Searching for Serendipity

She has a name!

2012-03-11T20:51:00.002-04:00

Well, she's actually had a name since the day after we found out that she is in fact a "she". We've just been bouncing it around and calling her by her name to make sure that we do absolutely love it (and we do). So she is officially

Nicolette Branson Randazzo

I wanted something girly and feminine and had to give up my fight for the name Giuliana since the Italian was adamantly opposed. So I put together a list of about 20 names on Sunday after our Gender Party and had the Italian review them. He nixed every single name except Nicolette. As soon as I heard him say it out loud I said you know I love that name too, let's name her Nicolette. And so we did!

Branson was our first name for a boy and it comes from part of my maiden name and we thought that it would still be a nice and special middle name for our little girl. Not only is Nicolette a pretty name, but the Randazzo family is full of Nicholases. Grandpa Randazzo is a Nicholas so this is a nice variation on it and each of her names incorporate a part of each of our families which makes it even more special.

I think it may be the fastest that two parents have ever named a child, but when you know, you know, right?

Other than the name we just started work on the nursery - I've been taping off the trim and Daddy was kind enough to start painting this weekend. We'll definitely share pictures as it starts to come together.

And I can't wait to see my Hump Day Bump Day pic this coming Wednesday...I feel like she's tripled in size over the last two weeks. Time is trucking right along and we'll be 6 months along this week...I can hardly believe it!

HDBD - 21 weeks!

2012-02-29T16:26:00.000-05:00

It's Hump Day, Bump Day once again! We're officially 21 weeks along with Baby Girl Randazzo! Over the half-way mark!!!! :)

I'm trying to see if I can tell a difference from week to week so here are pics over the last 3 weeks:

21 weeks

20 weeks

19 weeks

She's GROWING! Not a huge difference - but I'm sure that's all going to change and SOON!!!!!

It's A Girl!!!!!!

2012-02-26T20:50:00.003-05:00

So yesterday was the BIG Gender Reveal soiree for Baby Randazzler. One of my dearest friends Janie came into town for the weekend and God bless her I put her to work the entire time! We spent Friday night decorating and Saturday setting up and baking some killer Pepperoni Rolls for the get together. My awesome and uber talented cake baker and friend, Jill Delmastro brought the cake to our house at 11:30 - so Janie and I were doing everything we could to stay busy and resist temptation to go over and poke into it to reveal the secret!!!! (You can visit Jill's website HERE).

So we went with a "Bun in the Oven" Theme and Jill created the most adorable cake!

We kept the decor equally pink and blue so that both were represented. Janie and I had quite a time hanging these lanterns in our dining room. It took a few different methods to get them up (and to STAY up) :)

Thank God for my parents who came over early to help us pull together all the "last minute" details. While the morning crept by at a snail's pace, the time between 1:30 and 2pm (when guests were supposed to start arriving) absolutely FLEW by!!! One minute there were 6 of us and literally 15 minutes later there were nearly 50!!!!

Here are a few more pics from the actual cake cutting - I'm still in disbelief! Had to double check the cake crumbs this morning to make sure they were REALLY pink!!!! :)

We asked everyone to wear either pink or blue to cast their vote/guess for Baby Randazzler. Daddy was set on pink from day #1 and I wanted to support our potential son so wore blue. Obviously, Daddy was right on this one.

Here we go...

It's PINK!!!!!

The proud grandparents (my parents) BOTH on team pink (dad sat on the fence and claimed his blue jeans were "blue" so that he would win either way). Grandma & Grandpa Randazzo live in Connecticut so they were unable to be here.

It's really pink!!!!

Team Randazzo - even though mommy picked the wrong color to wear :)

Thank goodness for years in the wedding and catering business. Janie & I were able to knock out slicing the cake pretty quickly! :) And it was DELICIOUS!!!! It's rare to find pastry chefs whose cakes TASTE as great as they look! Kudos again to Jill Delmastro!

We felt so honored and blessed to share this special celebration with so many of our dear friends and family! I have honestly never felt so loved and Baby Girl Randazzo is certainly one lucky chick-a-dee to have so many awesome aunties and uncles (and grandparents) to love her up! I thank God for each and every one of you and pray for blessing upon blessing for each of you!

And I am especially thankful for Kristin Vining - one of the most talented photographers I know - who offered to grab my camera and take these pictures so that we have the memories forever!!!! THANK YOU!!!! I was so GRATEFUL to see all of the gorgeous shots when I picked my camera up last night! :) xo

HDBD - 19 weeks

2012-02-15T11:36:00.000-05:00

That's right! Today is Hump Day, Bump Day! We're officially at 19 weeks (almost 1/2 way through, can you believe it????) and for those who read my post yesterday we are BOTH doing great!!!! Our anatomy scan ultrasound was absolutely amazing!!! I can't believe that there is a little, tiny person inside there! I'm feeling large and in charge, but I know that this is NOTHING compared to what is to come over the next 20 weeks!

We're still holding out on the gender. I have the results sealed in an envelope to give to the uber talented Jill DelMastro (http://weddingcakesbyjill.com/) today! She'll be baking our cake with either PINK or BLUE inside and we can NOT wait to see what it is!!!

Dave is still holding firm with his guess of It's A Girl...to be honest, I kind of feel girl too, but am saying boy because if it is a boy I would be equally thrilled - so we have one of us on each side of the vote! I'm curious to hear other people's guesses too! Our guests will be dressed in pink or blue to cast their vote so it will be exciting to see who's right and who's wrong! Either way - there are no losers in this game!

On another note, I was doing my prenatal yoga this morning and just started crying - not sad crying at all, definitely happy tears. I can't believe how unbelievably grateful we are for where we are in this process right now! Thanks be to God for all of His wonderful blessings!!!!

Happy Hump Day friends!!!! xoxo

Baby Randazzo is...

2012-02-14T16:55:00.000-05:00

HEALTHY!!!!!

Sweetest words we've ever heard! :) We had our anatomy scan today and it was amazing to see the little wiggle worm's tiny hands, feet, legs, arms and little mouth opening and closing. I think it became very, very real for the Italian for the first time! He was a nervous wreck throughout the appointment just waiting to hear the words "normal" and "healthy". I had a minor scare this weekend with some leakage and was placed on bed rest throughout the weekend so hearing the heartbeat and seeing that all of the measurements are within the normal/healthy range were answers to prayers!!!!

So we get to the moment when the ultrasound tech is checking out the "girl or boy parts" and she asked us to turn our heads (since we want it to be a surprise at our Gender Reveal Party) however, she then typed what it is on the screen and Dave is just SURE that he knows what it is. He's convinced that they type either "male" or "female" and he thinks that she typed "female" because he noticed it was more than 4 letters BUT I keep telling him that most of the U/S pics that I've seen say "It's A Boy" or "It's A Girl". So we're at a stalemate on this one. We'll have to hold on until February 25th for the big announcement!!! This is going to be a long 9 day wait!

HDBD (Hump Day, Bump Day)

2012-02-08T14:13:00.000-05:00

So the bump is progressing :) We're officially 18 weeks along (almost half way - how can that possibly be true!!!!????)

The Italian is convinced that I have a rabbit in my belly instead of a baby. I can't eat enough vegetables! We went to Olive Garden with mi familia this weekend and I think I ate two entire bowls of the salad all by myself!!!! And might I say, I had forgotten how much I enjoy the Olive Garden. Don't hate, that place is good!

We have our anatomy scan next week, on Valentine's Day! Saying lots and lots of prayers for a healthy baby!!!! BUT we won't find out the gender until our party at the end of the month! We're so excited! Either way I'll either be the queen of the house in a house full of men or have a little princess/mini-me...we can't go wrong! Just praying that the little Randazzler is healthy, HEALTHY, HEALTHY!!!!

Holy Macaroni!

2012-01-17T09:12:00.000-05:00

There's somebody living in there!!!!! I literally scared myself when I caught my profile in the mirror this morning after yoga! How in the world could this possibly pop out like this in a matter of 24 hours???? Now I wish I would have taken a picture yesterday to prove the difference! CRAZY! 14 weeks and 6 days today!

And please pardon the messy house. The Italian was kind enough to wash the slip covers for our couch and put them back on, but apparently he's opposed to zipping them back up :)

And as an update to yesterday's post - I DID make it to the gym yesterday. Not the "old me" gym routine - only eeked out 3 miles on the elliptical (and pretty slow at that), but it still felt good!

I'm BACK! (I think)

2012-01-16T13:31:00.000-05:00

So I woke up this morning and for the first time in MONTHS feel like MYSELF!!! I used to be an EARLY riser - usually 4:30 or so and would get in a good 4-6 mile run or hour and a half of yoga. Well, that me seemed to disappear into the toilet over the past 3 months and for the month prior to that was put on restriction by Dr. Katz. Well this morning, I hopped out of bed at 5:30 (not as early as the old days, but still better than dragging myself out around 7/7:30), ate breakfast and then did my prenatal yoga DVD. Now the prenatal yoga is NOTHING like my Power Yoga that I used to enjoy, but it's kind of nice to just stretch and relax instead of being the psycho yogi wanna-be that I once was. I'm hoping to actually make it to the gym for a short burst on the elliptical...it's been nearly FIVE MONTHS since a trip to the gym...for those who didn't know me before all this or don't know me outside of the blog world that is INSANE to me!!!! I've been a religious and some may say "obsessive" work out person for years. I have to admit, the break has been nice, but my mind and body both miss the regular butt kicking I used to give myself.

I've been off Zofran (my anti-nausea meds) for nearly 2 weeks now and am thankful to only have occasional and light bouts of nausea now and then.

We did our first day care tour on Saturday and there is only one word to describe it....TRAUMATIC! The facility was perfectly nice and the people were so friendly, but I started crying as soon as we pulled into the parking lot so that started things off on the wrong note. Then we go inside and fill out the form and the nice Director lady begins our tour. We got into the infant room and she started going through the dailly schedule, what to bring each day, each week, how to check in, the "lesson plans", the sanitation guidelines, etc....I thought the Italian was going to lose it. It was definitely way too much for the male mind to take in. She wanted to continue to tour us through the Toddler, Twaddler and Pre-Schooler rooms, but Dave just wanted to BOLT. It was definitely overwhelming.

I don't know what made us think that it would be a good idea to head to Buy Buy Baby after that traumatic outing...but we did. I just wanted to quickly look at cribs as we had a 20% off coupon which would be a nice discount on a crib but while we were there the Italian was like, "I want to look at Car Seats and Strollers". So we bravely walked over to the foreign land of strange baby equipment. We both just stood there in shock until Dave saw the Jog Strollers - "Well, you have to have one of these!" he said as he took off towards the heavy duty equipment. I told him that I heard that Bob Strollers were good jog strollers so he said ok and pulled the price tag on the first one we say..."$699!!!!!!!" We both said and then noted that our 20% coupon was no good on Bob products. So we hightailed it out of the store, headed to a dive and drowned our sorrows in Cheeseburgers and French Fries. :) Luckily one of my besties and all around super-mom is coming into town in February for the Reveal party and she's been kind enough to come help me register...I'm CLUELESS with this stuff! It will feel so much better to have a real life mommy there to help pick out what we need!

So wish me luck (or continued energy) so that I can hopefully make it to the gym tonight. Thanks again for continued prayers and support. Less than 1 month until our anatomy scan - until then I keep looking down and asking "Are you really in there? Are you ok? Will you please STAY ok????" So grow baby grow! Let's get this show on the road :)

HELLOOOOO 2nd Trimester!!!!!

2012-01-11T09:26:00.001-05:00

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Baby Randazzler and I are officially in our second trimester - officially 14 weeks TODAY!!!! HALLELUJAH! I can't begin to express what a relief reaching this point is! I know we still have a LOOONG ways to go (182 days to be exact), but reaching this milestone is something to be celebrated in my humble opinion! I was reminded to be thankful with my morning devotion which was I Samuel 1:27-28..."I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. ²⁸ So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD.” Thank God for Hannah...I've spent a lot of time reading her words over the past couple of years and sometimes I swear that her purpose in life was to be a source of inspiration to me thousands of years later :)

I know that I have all but disappeared over the last 3 months in the blogosphere and that is due to a number of reasons...1) killer morning/all day sickness, 2) craziness at work, 3) mostly due to fear and anxiety. I never would have imagined that the first 3 months of pregnancy would be as SCARY as they are. It feels so amazing to be blessed with such a miracle but SO SCARY to know that in the blink of an eye it can disappear and for no apparent reason. It was definitely a difficult exercise in patience and trust for me, the control freak who likes to think that somehow I am directly responsible for the outcome of all situations. I'd be praising God and thankful one minute and then questioning "Why is this working out for me? I don't deserve this anymore than anyone else I know who is struggling, probably deserve is LESS if I'm being perfectly honest" the next. I have so many friends who have not been so fortunate and I do not and never will understand why things work out for some and not for others. I constantly remind myself that it is HIS will, not mine that will be done and that's what I pray for...even if it produces a result that I'm not happy with at the time.

Anyway, all that aside - I am ETERNALLY grateful for where we are now, TODAY! We're now starting to explore daycares vs. nannies vs. "granny care" (yeah - uh Mom and Dad, need to talk to you guys about that :) ), cleaning out the soon to be baby suite as I call it, will probably be ordering furniture soon, and planning our GENDER REVEAL PARTY!!! Some say they're cheesey - but I am committed to celebrating every little milestone, so YES, we WILL be having a Gender Reveal Party late February after our anatomy scan (which is scheduled for VALENTINE'S DAY - but the party will be a week or two after that)!!!!! I can't wait to be surprised along with my family and some of our closest friends by finding out if Baby Randazzler is a boy or girl! This is a NO PRESENTS party - just a celebration and us sharing something VERY special with those nearest to us.

Speaking of gender - people ask all the time if I have a feeling one way or the other. Well, initially I was thinking BOY - mostly because of wives tales I'd heard, on the rare occassion that I was hungry, I could/would only eat insanely spicy foods - loved tacos and could drink salsa by the gallon if you'd let me. Then about a month ago I realized that I had subconsciously started calling baby "her" in my prayers or in my head when I'd be thinking about things. Then after my dr's appt on Monday I bounced back to BOY - so to answer your question...I don't know!!!! Honestly just praying for HEALTHY - please God let this baby be perfectly healthy! I know that's a lot to ask and I have had a laundry list of requests that have graciously been granted over my 34 years on earth, but this is probably the most important and fervent prayer I've ever prayed.

So thanks again for all the prayers and support over the past several months of my public journey. I'm eternally grateful and know that God heard every prayer. And every message, comment and email I received seriously helped to raise my spirits and help me to stay positive. Blessings to you all!

Our Little Firecracker....

2011-12-20T15:09:00.000-05:00

First off, let me apologize for my absence and rest assured that all is well!!!! (Praise the Lord)!!!!

Our little Firecracker is doing amazingly well and is due in JULY! July 11th!!! We're now 11 weeks along and inching towards the end of the first trimester!

At 9 weeks I had a second visit with Dr. Katz and everything looked great! The heartbeat had increased from 150 bpm to 170 bpm and I even got to see the little wiggle worm dancing on the screen! It was amazing. At the end of that visit, they let me know that we had officially graduated - meaning no more progesterone, no more estrogen, no more meds - just prenatal vitamins and an adorable graduation present...a sweet little "Made in Charlotte" onesie for this little one!

The only negative is that I have had CRAZY, C-R-A-Z-Y "morning sickness". That title is really a misnomer since it literally strikes at all times of the day and night. Dr. K put me on a medication called Zofran and it definitely helps, but doesn't eliminate the nausea entirely. Still any relief is good news for me and here's to hoping the nausea magically disappears somewhere in the next couple of weeks as I've heard so many mommies claim.

I had my first prenatal appointment with our OB yesterday...man that was a LONG visit...nearly 2 1/2 hours! But we got to hear the heartbeat again and that made me feel better! Dr. Bale is our OB and he said that as much as the nausea stinks, it is a good sign that my hormones are doing the right thing, so I'll continue to look at it as a blessing :)

So I apologize again for being M.I.A., it's been such a "delicate" time that I've kind of been afraid to post anything. Starting to feel better and better and looking forward to our little firecracker's arrival in July!

The most beautiful sound in the world....

2011-11-23T14:31:00.000-05:00

One STRONG little heartbeat! 150 beats per minute...our little hummingbird!

Still a long road ahead but so grateful for this day! The Italian can't stop telling people...even shared the news with our gutter guys today...geez! Good thing I'm not trying to keep this quiet...there's no way he could have waited 5 more weeks!

Our estimated due date is July 11th...hot summer baby!

Lots of prayers that this little bugger stays nice and strong! Today's appointment made me forget all about how I had to sleep on the bathroom floor because I was so sick last night :)

What blessing in time for Thanksgiving! Thank you all for your prayers and best wishes for a blessed holiday with your families!

Morning(?) sickness?

2011-11-22T02:33:00.002-05:00

Let me preface this post by saying that I am NOT complaining about anything. I'm so grateful for where we are in this process and this post is merely to give you an insider's glimpse of what we're experiencing right now. So here goes...

According to the calendar, I'm only 6 weeks pregnant (SO early!). I've had mild nausea and lack of appetite since beginning my stimulation meds in early October...well now that seems to have exploded into full blown "morning sickness" over the last 2 weeks. (Morning Sickness...thats a laughable term considering it lasts ALL DAY LONG and even wakes me up in the middle of the night. Morning sickness is obviously a term coined by men who saw their poor pregnant wives ill in the morning and then jotted off to work while the little Mrs. spent the rest of her day hunched over a toilet bowl!). Now I should also say that I have not yet gotten sick, but boy I almost wish I would...surely that might make me feel a little better! The sad and demented thing is that I've started to cling to this sick feeling as a security blanket...this past weekend I actually had a few hours where I hardly felt any nausea and was even able to (gasp) eat a full meal...so I immediately begin wondering if something is wrong. I was oddly reassured when the sickness returned and I was once again confined to my bed with my saltine's and ginger ale.

I am more than a little frustrated at my "diet" (if you can call it that) for now. Leading up to and going through IVF I was so conscientious about what I ate...nearly all organic, lots of lentils, spinach, kale, berries (all the "superfoods" you're supposed to eat) and now I can hardly stomach anything...I eat maybe one "meal" a day and that " meal" varies wildly...some days only a small bowl of plain oatmeal, today buttered noodles and on a good day an insatiable craving for crunhy tacos and Spanish rice with a half gallon of salsa or a healthy serving of buffalo chicken dip (gross...shouldn't that stuff make me feel WORSE??? Oh well, I'm not going to question it, if I'm hungry for tacos by gosh I'm going to eat them...I've dropped 12 lbs so far so am starting to get a little worried about my weight.) As long as there is a healthy baby (or babies) in there I'll live with this happily for the next 8 months!

I will say it is VERY difficult to work while feeling this way. It's hard to focus on anything other than the constant waves of nausea and silently trying to calculate how long it would take me to sprint to the nearest restroom in case of an emergency (2 1/2 minutes by the way...and that's too long so my alternate route is a 20 second sprint out our office doors where I'll discreetly yak into the bushes outside of our office...classy!). I share an office with 6 other coworkers so the trashcan is not an option...hello bushes here I come!

Also, the aforementioned "morning" sickness apparently has no sense of time...she strikes constantly at all hours of the day and night. For instance, is now 2:15 am here and she was kind enough to wake me at 12:30 am so here I sit typing to pass the time until it either eases up or I pass out from exhaustion and fall back asleep. 3-4 hours of sleep a night + fear of throwing up on a coworker, client or boss makes for fun work days!

Anyways, we have our ultrasound on Wednesday morning and we're both excited/nervous...just praying and praying that we receive good news! We'll officially be 7 weeks along on Wednesday so I'm not sure what we should hope to see. I also don't know if they'll run more bloodwork or not. I assume so as the nurse mentioned that Dr. K will probably take me off of my progesterone injections and estrogen patches if everything looks good (I'd assume that bloodwork would be required in order to make that decision). My booty is pretty tender so ut would appreciate a break from the nightly injections, but if there is any chane that the injections will help, I'll happily continue them throughout the next 8 months.

Lots and lots and lots of prayers for a great ultrasound so that we have great news to share with our families on Thanksgiving! We certainly have plenty to be thankful for...ickiness and all!

All is well!

2011-11-09T19:48:00.001-05:00

Wow - so I've totally neglected update with my results from Monday's blood test but I am absolutely thrilled to say that my HcG levels not only doubled, but they tripled from 700 to 2200. My IVF nurse said that Dr. Katz said that the levels are rising "beautifully" and because it looks so good, he doesn't need for me to come in for a 3rd blood test. WOW! What a blessing!

Now I neglect to mention that I went in for the test at 7/7:30 on Monday morning and was expecting a call by around lunch time...WRONG...I didn't get the call until 4:30 which seemed like FOREVER and I went through the gamut of emotions and obsessive thoughts during that time. "They haven't called yet because it's bad news, they call and report the good news first." "They haven't called yet because its good news, it it were bad news they would call earlier and let me know." Anyway, the news was GOOD, GOOD, GOOD!!!!!

I'm supposed to continue my progesterone injections (daily) and estrogen patches (twice a week) and now we just WAIT until November 23rd when we're scheduled for our first ultrasound. We're praying that we see strong healthy little peanut(s) at that visit!!!! I'm passing the time by reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting" (a wonderful gift from a friend and co-worker) :) I've also learned that I'm currently only 5 weeks along and the little nugget(s) is/are only the size of an orange seed(s)!!!! CRAZY! We won't know whether or not we have one or two nuggets until the ultrasound - as long as it/they look healthy I honestly don't care. Praying for a strong, HEALTHY little one (or two) on the 23rd.

As far as symptoms go, it's hard to say...I've been nauseous and had no appetite since the whole IVF process began. I basically have to force myself to eat and I don't really enjoy it at all. No vomiting or anything like that, just generally not feeling great and not enjoying eating (which is not at all like me). I've lost about 7 pounds but the nurse said much of that is probably loss of fluid and bloating from the moderate OHSS symptoms I had. Trying to focus on eating healthy foods when I'm able to make myself eat. I don't know if it's just my mind playing tricks on me, but I'm WIPED out! Literally exhausted. When I get home from work I just want to lay down and do NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING! However, I have also had insomnia where I wake up in the middle of the night around 2am and cannot for the life of me get back to sleep. That started a few days after the transfer, so I'm working on about 3 weeks of 3-5 hours of sleep a night. I wonder at what point that will catch up with me and I'll just pass out? It seems like it's too early to have any pregnancy symptoms so maybe this is all mental. Anyway, I'm grateful for every discomfort and will not complain about a single woozie moment so long as this all works out in the next 8-9 months :)

So we're in great shape so far and just praying daily (and hourly) that things continue. Wishing, hoping and praying for an excellent visit on the 23rd. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the outpouring of support. I have to admit that it is very scary to be so open about things this early in the game, but on the other hand I know God hears every single prayer, so the more the merrier!!!!!

My 2ww

2011-11-06T16:29:00.000-05:00

2ww normally stands for the dreaded 2 week wait - the time lapse between ovulation and either a positive pregnancy test or Aunt Flo's cursed arrival. This 2 week wait is different, my 2ww was a 2 week walk with Jesus. I picked a scripture to meditate on each day. That Bible is full of meaningful and inspirational messages. If you're not into it, you're definitely missing out. I highly recommend spending time daily in God's word!!! And need to be more disciplined with doing so myself, even when I'm not begging for a blessing from God.

So here is my 2 week walk, scripture by scripture....

Day #1 (Transfer Day)
"Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6-7

Day #2
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

Day #3
"If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Matthew 21:22

Day #4
"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1
*shared with me by a friend - perfectly suited for that day!

Day #5
"Again I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them." Matthew 18:19

Day #6
"And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." John 14:13-14

Day #7
‎"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Day #8
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Day #9
“For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20
*shared with me by a friend - perfectly suited for that day!

Day #10
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Day #11
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will grant you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

Day #12 (Test Day)
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit--fruit that will last. Then the father will give you whatever you ask in my name." John 15:16

So now we're at the end of our 2ww and Praise the Lord the news thus far is positive. I hesitated as to whether or not share the news as I know what a delicate time this is, but I have been so thankful for all of the love, support and prayers that we've received from you all that it didn't seem complete without sharing the happy news with all of you who have been kind enough to share your prayers with us. So please know that we are optimistic and committed to celebrating each and every victory. We have a long ways to go, but are so happy for the gift that has been given to us at this moment. Praying that this early, early, early pregnancy will continue successfully over the next 8 months (God willing)!

Love and blessings to you all!

Short and SWEET...

2011-11-04T13:08:00.000-04:00

Got the results this afternoon....

POSITIVE!!!!

That's right for the first time EVER, I can say that I have a BFP!!!! (Big Fat Positive) My HcG is currently 700, which my Dr. said is very, VERY good! We have to go back on Monday for more blood work to ensure that the HcG is doubling. So pray for 1400 (or above) on Monday!!!!!

We're cautiously optimistic as we still have a ways to go but are currently much further along than we ever have been in the past. I have no words to express my thanks for the prayers and support from so many! I wish I could contact each of you individually with the good news. Continued prayers are appreciated as we pray for things to continue as they should for happy, HEALTHY, baby(ies) :)

Much love!

To pee, or not to pee..THAT is the question.

2011-10-29T02:47:00.000-04:00

Crass, I know (sorry mom & dad). But now that I'm less than one week away from my first pregnancy test with the Dr. my thoughts are consumed with whether or not I should POAS (Pee On A Stick...I.e. Take a home pregnancy test) BEFORE the formal test on November 4th.

I have lots of IVF sisters and almost all of them did "cheat" before the actual Dr.'s office. The Italian is strongly ANTI-pre testing, he's also anti obsessing and overanalyzing so we're obviously total opposites on that front.

I'm scheduled for a baseline blood test on November 4th (God willing that Aunt Flo doesn't schedule a trip to town prior to that date (stay away Flo! You are a totally unwelcome house guest!). From that test, hopefully my hcg levels are nice and high so that they can confirm pregnancy (yay). After that baseline test, I believe I have to go in for two more blood tests (approximately every other day). To ensure that my hcg levels are rising at the correct rate (approximately doubling every 2-3 days). So the good news is that I'll be testing in less than a week. The bad news is that won't find out while I'm there. They'll process the bloodwork at the lab and then call me at work with the (*hopefully good*) news.

I've decided (for now) that I am NOT going to, cheat and test early (I reserve the right to change my mind on this, hourly if necessary). There are a few reasons for this...

1. My main motivation for "cheating" would be to emotionally prepare myself in case of a negative response. I mean, who wants to receive unexpected potentially devastating news at work? But since I am 100% committed to maintaining a POSITIVE mindset and I honestly DO have faith that this will work I am refusing to feed in to the Princess of Darkness's temptation on this one.
2. As a part of my treatment I had to give myself low dose hcg injections throughout my stimulation phase. This medication can take 5-14 days to circulate out of my system depending on how my body metabolizes all of the meds. So I could receive a false positive home pregnancy test as a result of this. I can hardly think of anything more devastating than having the false assurance of the HPT only to get a different report from the dr. And I honestly want my first ever positive test to be an actual POSITIVE. As someone who has never seen the mythical double pink lines, plus sign or "pregnant" response, I want to make sure that my first positive is the real deal!
3. Patience is a virtue right? And one that will be much needed when we become parents, so I'm considering this a training exercise in patience.
4. No matter what the HPT says I won't have OFFICIAL confirmation until the 4th, so why torture myself?
5. I kind of relate this back to the agony of waiting to open Christmas presents at our house. I had some friends whose parents allowed them to open a present a day or a few gifts before the holiday...not the Gulbransons. My parents were anti opening presents before the holiday (thankfully we opened family gifts on Christmas Eve and then Santa visited that night and we opened Santa gifts on Christmas Day). So here I sit staring at my Christmas presents for another 6 days...counting down the minutes until it's time to open them. I'm sure it will make the news all that much sweeter when it does come!

And please pardon any typos...my MacBook Pro is broken and writing and proofreading on the iPad is proving to be a bit challenging. The autocorrect on this thing is vigilant and "corrects" the craziest things.

"Thank you for being a friend....

2011-10-25T10:53:00.000-04:00

...Travel down the road and back again.

Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant.

bah da dum, dum, DUM

AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY

INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW...

YOU WOULD SEE THE BIGGEST GIFT WOULD BE FROM ME

AND THE CARD ATTACHED WOULD SAY

THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND"

That's right. I'm making it through Day #2 of Bed Rest with the love and support of the best of friends...Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia. It's a Golden Girls Marathon and I'm loving every minute of it. I am a little frightened by the wardrobe though. Wowzers...those ladies dressed CRAZY! I have no clue where the costume designer dug these duds up!!! And why did Dorothy's shirts always come down to her knees, and where do you find a shirt long enough to come down to a 6' tall woman's knees????

Check out Dorothy's wedding dress. I think this was the series finale. Too bad I couldn't find this lovely frock when searching for my own wedding gown.

Dorothy's Sea Green Crushed Velvet Tuxedo Dress (complete with bow tie) with NFL sized shoulder pads + Blanche's Satin Harem Pants, Sequin Top (also featuring NFL shoulder pads) - what could be wrong with that? I do admire the fact that Blanche was wearing high heels in every single episode...no matter what she was doing :)

Ready for a workout?

Halloween Costumes anyone?

Sophia makes the perfect Sonny to Dorothy's Cher.

Or perhaps Chicken Little, Loosey Goosey & Henny Penney?

Peachy? Seriously, did people actually wear stuff like this in the 80's???????? And even more frightening...will this be making a comeback like all other 80's gear? Talk about SCARY!

Aforementioned knee length shirts....

I think I have 7 or 8 more episodes to go. The Italians already sick of hearing the theme song :) How can you get sick of that song? It's awesome. We'll see how I feel about it 4 hours from now.

But in all seriousness the show does remind me of the value of friendships and girlfriends in particular. I feel SO blessed to have such amazing girlfriends (and so many of them) and feel so lucky to have texts, phone calls, emails and facebook messages from everyone checking in on me :) And I have no double that when we're in our 60's, 70's and 80's we'll still be there for one another.

THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND. I love you all!!! xoxo

Transfer day...

2011-10-24T20:24:00.000-04:00

Today was our day 5 blastocyst transfer. As I mentioned yesterday there was a chance that we were going to need to postpone til tomorrow but I got the email from Nurse A around 8am saying that we were definitely set for transfer today! Hooray! When we got there we talked with Dr. K to debate 1 embryo transfer vs. 2. We decided on 2 which does have an increased risk for multiples, but also gives us a 60-80% chance of safely conceiving one sweet baby. If we transferred only one, the success rate would have been between 30 & 40%. The procedure took less than 20 minutes. They took me back to the procedure room. There were two tv screens - on my left I got to watch the embryologist draw the embryos up into the catheter and then on the right I could see the catheter insert the embries into my uterus. SO wild to see it all happen like that. After that I had to rest laying down for 30 minutes and they brought us a picture of our two embryos....WILD! Dr. K and the embryologist both said that the little buggers had developed substantially this morning which is good and hopefully they'll continue to grow and implant today, tomorrow or Wednesday. We still have 7 at the lab that are still developing. They'll call us tomorrow to let us know how many have progressed to the blastocyst phase and will be eligible to be frozen. Probably 1-3 if we're lucky. Again, I'll be grateful for whatever God chooses to bless us with.

I had spent most of yesterday cleaning and cooking to prepare for my bed rest. If meals were left to the Italian's discretion, I'd be fed take out pizza, Chinese and Chick-fil-a for 3 days. Now there's nothing wrong with that, in fact I enjoy pizza and Chick-fil-a chicken strips A LOT. However, I do want to make sure that I'm eating healthy for the potential little one(s). So I made some healthy goodies so all he Italian has to do is pop in the oven and reheat. Tonight's delicacy was Quinoa and Black Bean Enchiladas and OMG they were DELICIOUS! I kind of made up my own recipe so I don't have exact measurements for spices, I just adjusted along the way to get it where I wanted it.

QUINOA AND BLACK BEAN ENCHILADAS
Corn Tortillas (I used a whole pack of Trader Joe's corn tortillas)
2/3 c quinoa (uncooked)
1 1/4 c water
1can organic black beans
1/2 green pepper, chopped
1/2 medium onion, chopped
1 28oz. can organic chunky tomato sauce
1-2 Tbsp Olive Oil
Salt (to taste)
1tsp. Crushed red pepper flakes
2Tbsp. Cumin
2Tbsp. Chili powder
1tsp. Garlic powder
1/4tsp. Onion powder
1tsp. Cayenne pepper
1Tbsp. Paprika
1-1 1/2 c. Shredded cheddar cheese
1/4 c. Nutritional yeast flakes
Salsa, Guacamole, Greek Yogurt (I sub Greek yogurt for sour cream...but whatever you want.)

Rinse and drain quinoa. Add to saucepan with water and a pinch of salt. Cover and bring to boil. Reduce to simmer 10-15 minutes. While that cooks, sautéed green pepper and onion in olive oil until onions are translucent. Add all spices to vegetables and stir to toast the spices slightly. Add 1 can of chunky tomato sauce and simmer. Taste occasionally to adjust seasonings. Drain and rinse black beans and add to quinoa. Stir gently and add maybe a cup of the tomato sauce mixture Just watch to make sure that it's not too wet). Taste for seasoning. Heat the corn tortillas in the microwave under a damp paper towel for 1-2 minutes to soften. Now it's time to assemble. Spray a 9" x 12" glass baking dish with nonstick spray. Take one corn tortilla, place some cheese in the center, top with a few spoonfuls of the quinoa mixture, roll carefully and place seam side down in the dish. Repeat and nestle each enchilada tightly next to one another. I had quinoa mixture left over (which you could reheat and eat on it's own). Top the entire dish with the tomato sauce mixture. I tried to get a little down the sides to keep them moist. Make sure the tops are definitely covered. Top with cheese and nutritional yeast*. Bake At 350 covered with foil for 30 minutes, then uncover and bake for 15 minutes. Finish by broiling 1-2 minutes until golden brown. Remove and let cool for a few minutes. Serve with salsa, guacamole, whatever your little heart desires.

*nutritional yeast flakes are used by vegans to supplement Vitamin B. It has a nutty, cheesy flavor so if you wanted to make this dish vegan, you could eliminate the cheese entirely and just use the nutritional yeast. I've only been able to find nutritional yeast in the bulk bins at Earth Fare.

I'm on bed rest until Thursday...today wasn't so bad. Kelly + 1 Valium = 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I promise to be a perfect patient and follow the Dr's orders EXCTLY!

If anyone has success stories to share, PLEASE do so! I'm trying to focus 100% on the positive at this point. Look forward to hearing from you.

OMG I'm dying!

2011-10-23T19:09:00.000-04:00

OK, so I'm being a little dramatic...I had my check up today to make sure that I don't have OHSS. (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome). As I mentioned earlier I'm crazy bloated (I know TMI) - but it's gross to me...I literally look 3 months pregnant and I'm obviously not. Blech!

Anyway, that is a common symptom of OHSS so Dr. Katz wanted me to come in to meet with Dr. Teaff for a check up. I started off with a vitals check with the nurses and the nurse took my Blood Pressure and as she was reading it, she looked confused. I convinced myself not to be alarmed. So she said she wanted to try it again. Still not good, she says, "I want to get another cuff I don't think this one has been calibrated". So she goes to get another one and tries again, finally I ask, "Is everything ok?". She said that my bp is reading very low 80/60 and she wanted to check with one of the other nurses. So she brings the other nurse in and she reads it (TWICE). Then she puts the stethoscope down to read it with her fingers twice and she says, "Well, it's 84 over 60, she's obviously still alive so we're not going to worry about it." (That's reassuring). Now my blood pressure is normally pretty low, but despite how hard I try I cannot for the life of me remember what the numbers normally are!!!! The nurses before have always commented about how good it is that my BP is low, I've never had anyone seem concerned so this must be lower than usual (ironic that my mom and I were JUST talking about how we both have low BP yesterday...random).

Then they let me know that they're a little behind schedule and Dr. Teaff needs to run downstairs to perform a retrieval and then she'll be back up to check on me. So I'm left alone in the exam room to worry about my low blood pressure. Suddenly I remember that I have my blackberry with me. Now blackberries are not known for being great for internet, but it will do. I begin googling low blood pressure, low blood pressure and ivf, etc. and I stumble across several reports that that is a symptom of internal bleeding following the egg retrieval! OH MY GOSH, I am internally bleeding and they've left me alone in this exam room to die with no pants on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I'm not normally so paranoid, but I have been very nauseous, lightheaded and dizzy for the past few days so all of the symptoms do line up. I frantically try calling the Italian but he had taken our pooch Chance for a walk and didn't have his phone with him. So I tried to calm myself down but I couldn't stay off of that stupid phone!!!! It seemed to take 5 minutes to pull up each new page (well, it is a blackberry, so it very well may have taken 5 minutes for each page). After about 45 minutes Dr. T knocks on the door and enters the room. She performs an ultrasound and notices that there is a small amount of fluid in the uterus. I asked her if that was normal and she said, "well...not really, but it will be ok". I asked her about the low blood pressure and she told me not to worry about it, it's not internal bleeding. Ok, super relieved that I'm not internally bleeding but now a little concerned about this "fluid" issue. I'm proud of myself that 10 hours later, I still have not google diagnosed that issue. I'm trusting the docs that they know what they're doing.

Then she lets me know that we STILL have 10 growing embryos. There are two that are progressing rather well and one that is lagging behind and may stop growing sometime today. The others are a little behind so she said that they MAY want to push my transfer to Tuesday and do a day 6 transfer. I have to call between 8 and 9 tomorrow to find out for sure. So now more waiting and more praying that our 10 embryos keep growing. We want as many as possible to reach the Blastocyst phase so that hopefully we can transfer two and have some to freeze (that sounds so weird to say). I don't know much about day 6 transfers have mostly read about day 3 and day 5...again this is their area of expertise. I'm sure they don't need an event planner trying to tell them how to do their jobs.

So lots to be thankful for! No internal bleeding, 10 growing embryos, a Carolina Panthers WIN and a wonderful day off with plenty of time to cook, clean and prepare for this week! I may or may not post tomorrow depending on how I'm feeling...thank you again for the prayers and well wishes!!! Praying for "sticky embryos"!!!! :) Want those little suckers to latch on!

WE STILL HAVE 10!!!!!

2011-10-22T11:24:00.000-04:00

Short post - we stil have 10 developing embryos so we're definitely set for Day 5 Blastocyst transfer = Monday. They'll call back today to let us know what time on Monday. Fingers crossed that these little babies keep developing!!!!! (and fingers crossed that my check up goes well tomorrow morning - they're still worried about hyperstimulation symptoms so want to see me at 9am tomorrow).

Weekend is off to a wonderful start! (even though I have to work)

Definitely makes up for having to miss Homecoming weekend up in Boone! :) Cheers to all the APhis causing a raucous this weekend!

ICLW Round #2

2011-10-21T19:43:00.000-04:00

There's a lovely little weekly occurrence in the infertility blogosphere called ICLW. This monthly phenomenon was created by the Stirrup Queen. She's a pretty cool chick and an absolutely amazing writer. This is my second ICLW journey and I'm looking forward to reading more new blogs and hopefully having some new readers here as well. With ICLW you basically commit to reading and commenting on each other's blogs - it's all about spreading the love, which I love! So a little about me...my blogging journey began here. I try to keep things real, but light but every once in a while the Princess of Darkness makes an unwelcome appearance.

Where I am now:
We're 1-3 days away from our Embryo Transfer and I'm proud to say that I took my first Progesterone shot tonight like a CHAMP! I watched a few videos on youtube and made the Italian watch the one from Freedom Med Teach as well as one youtube video that showed a hubby giving his wife the injection. I'm glad I watched several videos because I got a different tip from each one. I'll share a few in case there are any reading this who are apporaching progesterone shot time:

1. The shot is much higher on the rear end than I originally thought. It seems more like your hip area.
2. Count to 20 while injecting the oil so that it's injected SLOWLY...it's very thick.
3. I honestly barely felt the needle - the weird thing is feeling the oil creep in to your muscle. Not painful, just plain weird.
4. You should massage the injection area for 1-2 minutes afterwards to hopefully prevent little knots from forming (which will make future injections difficult).
5. I read NOT to ice the area beforehand - the article I read said that it makes it more difficult for the muscle to absorb the oil, so I didn't ice and I'm feeling a-ok.
6. As the oil was going in it felt like a little dull pain, almost like when you have sore glutes a day or two after doing a lot of squats.
7. About 5 minutes later I felt like I had a charlie horse in my bootie...very weird...again, I wouldn't say "painful" just crampy and sudden. I'm sitting on a heating pad now (about 45 minutes later and it's pretty much gone).
8. If your doc offers to draw a circle where you should inject take them up on it. The Italian did fine tonight, but I'll have to do some by myself over the next couple of weeks and I think it might make me feel better to see the spot while I'm trying to twist around and look at it in the mirror while I take my bootie shot.

So short story long, Progesterone ain't so bad. I got myself WAY too worked up over it. I think I'll have no problem giving them to myself while the Italian's traveling for work.

We'll get a call tomorrow letting us know how many of our 10 embryos are still hanging in there...we're praying for as many as possible and at as GREAT quality as possibility. The more we have at higher quality then the more likely we will be able to hold off for Day 5 Bastocyst transfer (Monday). Either way, we'll be grateful for whatever hand we're dealt! Saying lots of prayers tonight!

Blessings to all!

And then there were 10

2011-10-20T17:58:00.000-04:00

So we got the call from the embryologist this morning ( his name is Luis) and found out that out of our 17 mature eggs, 10 of them fertilized and made it through the night. Music to our ears (I'm not gonna lie though, it's tempting to feel greedy and want MORE), but we'll celebrate these 10 :)

So now we wait until Saturday. They'll check the little babies and give us an update. If most of them are making it and they look good then they'll plan for the transfer on Monday. If by some chance they are not looking great then we'll rush to REACH for the transfer on Saturday. Now there are people who are able to get pregnant and have beautiful babies but we're hoping for a day 5 transfer (Monday). It's likely that only 25-60% of the embryos remaining on Saturday will make it to Monday. But day 5 blastocyst transfers have a much higher chance of implanting so we're praying that most of these little guys (or girls) can hang on til Monday.

Dr. K put me on another prescription today to try to control any hyper stimulation effects I might have. I felt ok earlier today but this afternoon not so much. So now I'm hanging out in bed with a heating pad on my little tummy (well, it's not as little as it used to be...I'm crazy bloated and look like I'm pregnant already.). Looking pregnant while you're pregnant=good. Looking pregnant while you're not pregnant=torture.

And now I'm freaking out about another thing....we had a scavenger hunt at work tonight which had us running all over the place...I didn't even give it a second thought...I was more worried about tripping in my 4 inch heels than anything else, but now I'm hoping I didn't screw anything up. It was only 4 minutes and 38 seconds....hopefully that wasn't enough to do any damage...

Sweet Sixteen...

2011-10-19T19:58:00.000-04:00

So today was THE DAY - our retrieval was scheduled for 10am and I was wide awake and ready by 3am! I'm a little neurotic.

I have to give the people at REACH props...everyone there was sooo nice and took time to explain everything to us in detail. We had to check in by 9am to fill out paperwork and prep. I was in the treatment room by 10:15 and back in recovery just after 10:30...amazing that a procedure that is SO MAJOR to me is complete in less than 15 minutes. I was sedated the whole time so don't remember ANYTHING. The embryologist came to check in afterwards and gave us the great news...things went even better than they had expected! They were able to retrieve 20 eggs...16 of them are mature, 1 not yet mature (but there was still a chance that he/she could progress through the early afternoon and only 3 were total immature/unfertilizable. We were hoping for 10-12 total so this is such a blessing!!!!

Now there's lots of waiting...the embryologists fertilized the viable eggs this afternoon and in the morning we'll get a call letting us know how many actually fertilized. I'm sad to say that it's not unusual for that 16-17 healthy embryos to dwindle significantly over the next 5 days. We'll get calls daily with updates as to how the little embryos are doing.

We're tentatively scheduled for a day 5 transfer (Monday) and I was surprised to find out that there will be 2 days of bed rest after that. I knew the day of but totally missed the fact that there are 2 days afterwards...I will NOT stress out about work, I will NOT stress out about work...I have not taken more than 2-3 days off in a row in nearly 3 years, so I will NOT allow myself to feel guilty about this. (I have to keep repeating this mantra to myself and also need to remind myself that I'm not curing cancer or ruling the free world, work will go on with or without me).

So far today I feel pretty good - very tender (a resultof the 8" needle they stuck up my who-hah I suppose), super bloated and crazy tired but I hear that that is all to be expected. I just have to monitor those side effects as I could end up suffering from OHSS which could land me in the hospital. So I'm being a good girl and following Dr.'s orders to the letter! Luckily light stretching is advised at this point so I may try some VERY GENTLE yoga tomorrow.

The next milestone is Friday...that's the day I start the dreaded progesterone shots. Now I'm not woozy around needles and I'm proud of how well I've handled the other injections but this needle is about 2 inches long and has to go ALL THE WAY IN to my rear end! Luckily The Italian will be here the first few days that I have to take it, but by the end of next week he's got to head out and I'll have to figure out how to administer to myself...I can do it...I hope that the anticipation is worse than actually doing it. Those daily shots will last for weeks.

For those who are curious we won't know the results until 12 days post transfer, so we still have a ways to go. Step by step...we'll get there. For right now I'm focusing on celebrating each little victory and right now am so thankful for our Sweet Sixteen!!!!

Wednesday...and then some

2011-10-17T21:16:00.002-04:00

So Wednesday is THE DAY. Our retrieval is scheduled for 10am Wednesday morning. I can hardly believe that it's here (almost). Things have been going incredibly well...positive reports from the docs at all of my monitoring visits and now we just have to pray that the retrieval, fertilization and transfer go just as smoothly, if not even moreso. After the retrieval, the embryologist will fertilize the eggs through a process called ICSI. After that, we'll get daily updates regarding the number and "grading" of all viable embryos. Then somewhere between 3 and 5 days they'll transfer up to 2 embryos (God willing that we have two beautiful, healthy embryos). Then we once again have the dreaded 2ww - two weeks of WAITING = pure agony.

I'm so thankful that things have gone so well up until this point...I feel almost guilty for praying for things to continue going this well...I've been so blessed already, I feel like I'm always asking God for "just a little but more.". Sometimes when I say my prayers at night I feel like a little girl praying for a barbie doll or a pony (or the Easy Bake Oven I NEVER got for Christmas)...I hope it doesn't come across that way to God...

37 hours (not that I'm keeping track).

Looking good!

2011-10-13T18:51:00.001-04:00

This will be a short post - I'm actually super tired from all of the meds and have tons of work to catch up on.

I've been on stimulation meds for 5 days now and had my first monitoring ultra sound and blood work this morning. During the ultrasound the doc kept telling me how "great" everything looks. Said I'm in the "golden range" of where I need to be at this point in time. Hooray! Later today I heard from my IVF nurse and she said that my bloodwork looked very good as well, so I add another shot to my regimine tonight (3 tonight, 1 tomorrow morning, 2 tomorrow night) and then I'm back to the doc on Saturday morning for more monitoring.

For my IVF friends out there, my E2 levels are 649 with 6 follies on the Right (14, 13, 12, 12, 11 & 10) and 5 on the Left (13, 12, 12, 11, 10) - for my non IVF friends...this is all normal and I promise I will NOT be the Octomom...not all of the follicles are guaranteed to contain eggs and once the retrieval takes place not all eggs will survive and once what's left is fertilized we may be left with only a few viable embryos for transfer. We're praying for more than that, but will graciously accept whatever God decides to share with us! Regardless, Reach has a policy of only transferring 2 embryos, so no octuplets here.

They have to watch very closely because if I get overstimulated then I could wind up in the hospital and possibly have to cancel this cycle...definitely NOT the direction we want to head in.

So far the meds aren't as bad as I have heard that they can be. I'm super thirsty and feel like I'm drinking water nonstop but I have zero appetite and feel queasy pretty much all day and I'm exhausted. The Italian and I took Chance for a 15-20 minute walk tonight and I was absolutely wiped out by the time we finished. They assured me that this is all normal, so I'll deal with it. Thankfully tomorrow is Friday and miracle of miracles I don't have to work this weekend so I plan to sleep, sleep, sleep.

I can NOT begin to thank you all enough for the thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement you've shared with me over the past several months. It means more to me than you will ever know! Continued prayers are much appreciated as we may have up to another week before the retrieval is scheduled. xoxo

Mark 11:24 ESV

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

And so it begins

2011-10-09T18:09:00.000-04:00

So my labs and ultrasound all looked GREAT on Friday and more importantly, the Italian was able to make it back early from his sales trip so that we could have our consent forms notarized so we are officially (and legally) ready to proceed with our IVF protocol. Nurse Alice emailed late Friday afternoon with instructions to start injections on Sunday (i.e. TODAY), then I head back for more bloodwork and another ultrasound.

I'm on an antagonist protocol (In this treatment, a medication other than Lupron is used to supress the pituitary gland and prevent ovulation. This newer type of medication is called a GNRH antagonist. These medications do not have a flare effect. In fact, the supression of the pituitary gland is almost immediate. This is a big advantage since the IVF specialist can start the medication after the ovaries have been stimulated instead of a two week pre-treatment period as is seen with the Lupron. This makes the antagonist IVF protocol much shorter than the Lupron protocol.) so I start with my stimulation meds tonight. Two injections a day until Thursday and then more monitoring. Then there will be more meds depending on how my follies are responding. Nurse A thinks we'll be scheduled for retrieval sometime between October 18th and 22nd.

I've been so ~~nervous~~ / ~~scared~~ / ~~anxious~~ / excited that I've been waking up each morning around 3am and unable to go back to sleep. I keep thinking that I've refrigerated the wrong meds and then have to go to check them for the millionth time to confirm that I've followed the directions exactly. So I'm just watching the clock until it's time for my injection (9pm). Time is definitely dragging by. I'm trying not to obsess over things (as I'm supposed to be staying calm) - however if you check my internet history, the spreadsheet that I made notating all of my lab & u/s results and medication dosages per day and/or the binder I put together with all of my infertility invoices, information, or the spreadsheet I made itemizing all of our out of pocket medicat expenses this year (over $30k!!!!) etc., you might think that I have psychotic tendencies. Sorry folks, but that's how this nerd unwinds...I organize things. I feel much better when everything is in it's place and it is good to know that some of this infertility nonsense will be tax deductible.

I've also been doing a lot of research on diet and how that factors into infertility and IVF success. I'm trying to incorporate more plant based protein into my diet and making sure that I'm getting plenty of healthy fats. I came up with a Lentil & Farro Salad recipe that I absolutely love (the Italian digs it too)...

Lentil & Farro Salad
1 c. Farro, uncooked
2 1/2 c. Cooked Lentils
16 oz. Frozen Spinach, thawed and thoroughly drained
1 Medium Onion, chopped
3 Carrots, chopped
3 Stalks Celery, chopped
2 Cloves Garlic, minced
1 T. EVOO
Salt & Pepper, to taste
*Dressing
1/4 c. Red Wine Vinegar
1 T. Dijon Mustard
1 T. Whole Grain Mustard
3 T. EVOO
Salt & Pepper, to taste

Cook Farro in salted water according to directions (bring to boil in 2c. salted water, simmer 20-30 min). Thaw spinach and squeeze completely dry. Combine Farro, Lentils & thawed spinach in a large boil. Heat 1 T EVOO over med heat and saute onions, carrots & celery until tender, add garlic and cook 1 minute, season with salt & pepper. Add to Lentil mixture. Combine ingredients for dressing, whisk thoroughly and pour over "salad". Strir to combine thoroughly. Refrigerate at least 30 min to allow dressing to marinate the ingredients. Serve at room temperature or heat in the microwave (I'm not supposed to be eating cold foods according to Dr. Wang and Chinese Medicine - so I heat mine in the micro for 45 sec - 1 min). It's super tasty and really, really good for you!

If you have any recipes to share, please do so!!!!

Bon Apetit!

My Daily Hope -

2011-10-06T14:25:00.000-04:00

Oh how I love My Daily Hope that arrives in my inbox every single day. I cannot even BEGIN to count the number of times that Pastor Rick Warren's chosen topic for the day has spoken to me LOUDLY at that exact moment! As I've been agonizing over the $20,600 check we just dropped, I received this little nugget this morning. Full of reminders of God's promises and more importantly his instructions for us NOT TO WORRY. HE is in control, not me, so I need to practice what I preach and trust in HIM (regardless of the outcome). Read below and see if this speaks to you...

Don't Worry; Trust God
by Rick Warren

Enjoy prosperity while you can. But when hard times strike, realize that both come from God. That way you will realize that nothing is certain in this life. (Ecclesiastes 7:14 NLT)

You can be a hero one day and a zero the next day, a millionaire one day and bankrupt the next. No matter how much you make, no matter how much you save, finances are uncertain.
So we worry. What does the Bible say about worry and money?

1. It’s unreasonable. (Matthew 6:25) You're going to have fears in life, but there are better things to be scared of than a lack of finances. Life is more than just the accumulation of things. Even if you go bankrupt, it could get worse. Worry about what’s truly important.

2. It’s unnatural. (Matthew 6:26) Jesus reminds us that animals and plants don’t worry. Birds don’t say, "I'd better build a bigger nest for retirement." Only human beings don't trust God to provide for them. Everything else in creation does.

3. It’s unnecessary. (Matthew 6:30) Financial fears come from a misunderstanding about God and what He's promised to do for you. He's assumed responsibility for your needs. He says, "I'm your Heavenly Father; I'm going to take care of your needs. You're my child." We always get into trouble when we doubt the love of God.

Worry is playing God. It's assuming responsibility for something that God has said He will take care of. Paul reminds us in Philippians 4:19, “And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.”
God knows what's going on in your life — and in your wallet. God knows all your needs even before you ask. He wants to help you out.

Dominoes...

2011-10-05T05:49:00.000-04:00

Nope not the pizza (although I could go for a loaded thin n' crispy pie from Dominoe's Pizza). I'm talking about the dominoes you played with as a kid (or an adult). I've never played a game with them, but I did always try to set them up carefully in twisting shapes so that when you tip that first domino the chain begins and all of the dominoes tumble one after the other neatly into place. Well that sort of describes this point in the IVF process for us. I thought that all of our dominoes were falling neatly into place until Monday night...

I FINALLY received my confirmation from Attain (the company that approves the partial refund program that we've selected) on Monday afternoon. Hooray! We're officially approved! Then a smack in the face - within the 14 page document that they send to me it states that full paymen ($20,600) is to be received a minimum of 2 weeks prior to the start of our injectibles...WHAT THE HECK???? We're scheduled to begin injectibles THIS WEEKEND and were told that we just had to pay by Friday. So we launch into crisis mode trying to plan out what money to move where in order to overnight the check to them in hopes that we'll be ready to move forward as planned this weekend. Crisis #1 averted (we hope - they said to be on the lookout for an e-receipt tomorrow afternoon to confirm that we are A-OK...fingers crossed).

Then I talk to the folks at REACH this morning and they say that we have to have our completed (and notarized) consent forms turned in by Friday. They won't administer any instructions unless these are on file. Well this normally wouldn't be an issue, however the Italian travels and he travels a lot. He's out of town all week and wasn't scheduled to be back until Friday evening. UGH - I thought this was going to be drama free...so we rearrange the Italian's travel schedule so that he can be back on Friday before 5pm in order for us to sign the paperwork and get my instructions for the weekend. Crisis #2 averted. I have to say although I generally really like the folks at REACH, I was a little disappointed that they didn't help to avoid this stress. I've been emailing them weekly for the past month just to check in to make sure that I'm keeping up with all of the steps. I could have easily had this piece taken care of weeks ago if I knew that it was going to be such a crunch.

Did I mention that this is all happening during our busiest month of the year at work, plus I'm in the midst of a 2 week sales blitz at work on top of my normal responsibilities, plus being a "single parent" to our beloved Chance (woof) and Sasha (meow)????? No stress, no stress, no stress.

So short story long...within a matter of hours there were two critical points in our chain of "dominoes" when we thought the whole chain was going to stop and that we'd have to regroup, stand all the dominoes back up and start over again, but we managed to barely round the curves and push the next little domino down so that we're moving forward (apparently) with plans to begin treatment this weekend. Fingers crossed...I can handle another crisis, but would much prefer smooth sailing at this point. The next couple of weeks are going to be crazy enough!

This is what $2,114 looks like

2011-10-02T12:13:00.001-04:00

Yup - that's right. My fertility meds arrived yesterday! I had a moment of paranoia as I carefully read through the instructions for everything to make sure that I'm storing each at the proper temperature. Some absolutely HAVE to be and stay refrigerated. I'm stilll paranoid that I did it wrong, even woke up in the middle of the night to re-read the instructions and triple check myself. So I don't do anything with these goodies until at least Friday - they just stare at me every time I open my refrigerator. I received about 75 syringes with my package...I'm not normally afraid of needles, drawing blood or any of that stuff - I was surprised at how well I was able to handle giving myself the ovidrel and follistim injections prior to my IUIs. However, I am pretty intimidated by these progesterone injections. I think they start the day of the retrieval and can continue throughout the 1st trimester if necessary (some women whose bodies are not able to produce enough progesterone for whatever reason may be on progesterone injections throughout the entire pregnancy). Progesterone is known as "the pregnancy hormone"...it is responsible for thickening and preparing the endometrium to assist with implantation and is also critical through the 1st trimester (and the rest of the pregnancy) to maintain the pregnancy. Progesterone injections are intramuscular injections with a much bigger needle (22 guage I believe). Most people I've spoken to who've had to do those say they are TOUGH - the oil is thick and not only is it difficul to inject, but you can easily feel it going in....ick!ick!ick!!!!!! AAAAGHHHH!!!!

Oh well, I'll get through it. No sense worrying about it now, I have a couple of weeks until that one is necessary.

Oh and this pic does not include the 4 oral meds that I had to pick up from CVS yesterday...luckily those were only $16! :) Thank you Health Insurance for covering SOMETHING!!!!

On to happier topics - had so much fun at a girlfriend's gender party this weekend! They found out that they're having a boy! I love, love, love this new Gender Party fad...I've cried at both of the ones that I've been to - it's so exciting to watch the parents to be and their families find out whether they'll be welcoming a boy or a girl to their family! :) I made a diaper wreath for the other party I went to and I wanted to try to make something different, but it was turning out a little too girlie. So I'm glad that I decided to make another diaper wreath for this little peanut! I'll hold off on my other craft until it's time for a baby girl baby shower :) I had several comments and emails asking about the diaper wreath, so I've included a couple of photos below...

I should have taken pictures WHILST making the wreath so that it makes more sense. Basically, I start with 5 baby hangers and I place them on a large flat surface in the shape of a pentagon and tie them all together securely so that they hold their shape. Then I start with the diapers, unfolding the diaper vertically (not opening up the waistband area) and I fold the diaper around the outer ring of the hangers and cinch each one with curling ribbon, then repeat around the inner ring of the hangers and cinch those with curling ribbon as well. Then curl the ribbon and add a bow to the top and VIOLA! You could add pacifiers, bottles, forks & spoons tied into the wreath as gifts too if you wanted. I obviously don't shop for diapers often, but was totally surprised at the fact that I couldn't find plain white diapers! Even the generic brands have cartoon characters or SOMETHING on them. So I went with the polka dots, which were a little too boyish since the dots were blue and green, but I tried to neutral it up with yellow ribbon.

I have lots of time on my hands now that I'm restricted from exercising. I'm sure I'll come up with more ridiculous craft activities and I'll be sure to post them as well.

1week and counting...

2011-09-29T20:37:00.001-04:00

Thats right...only 7 days until we take our first IVF steps (and write one whopper of a check!). Tuesday, I spent an hour on the phone with the online pharmacy that my Dr's office recommends. For anyone needing fertility meds, I HIGHLY recommend them...Freedom Pharmacy. My pharmacist was SO helpful and even let me know that about 5 of my meds would actually be cheaper through our local drugstore. She saved us about $100 on those meds. At the end of the call I waited while she calculated our final total...I was dreading this part. The nurses at REACH had warned us that the meds would probably be between $3,000 and $4,000 per cycle. "Please let it be $3,000, please let it be $3,000" I silently prayed. As I'm whispering my prayer I hear the pharmacist say, "well, that can't be right, let me run those again.". "oh great," the Princess of Darkness said "it's probably even MORE than $4,000...". The pharmacist comes back and said "I didn't think this sounded right, but your total is only $2114". I thought I'd never be so happy to hear that something is ONLY two thousand dollars, but this time I sure was! Then she and I both laughed at how ridiculous that sounds to say ONLY two thousand dollars and she proceeds to tell me that she's had to give people grand totals as high as six and seven thousand dollars...YIKES! Thank you Jesus that our meds are only 2k! So the goodies will be delivered Saturday morning. I have to be at home to receive them since they have to be refrigerated immediately. The Italian has final bloodwork tomorrow, then I have my labs and ultrasound on the 7th and if all looks right, I'll probably start injections that day or the next. From that point, it's only 9 to 12 days until they go in to retrieve the follies. For my prayer warriors out there, prayers for large healthy follicles and plenty of tthem will be greatly appreciated!

Waiting & Weighting....

2011-09-26T11:18:00.001-04:00

Waiting, waiting, waiting...ugh I feel like that is all I ever do. For right now, I'm waiting until October 7th - that's my next lab & ultrasound date. If all looks as they hope, I'll wait two more days and start my meds, then I'll wait 9-12 days until the precious little follies are ready to be retrieved, then wait 3-5 more days for transfer (fingers crossed as long as all goes well), then wait 2 more weeks to find out if we have sticky embryos, then waiting 8-12 more weeks until you have a much better chance that all is safe. In the meantime, that leaves me in limbo land waiting to wait and thinking about waiting while I'm waiting.

In the meantime, I'm also trying to stop weighting, Weighting, WEIGHTING. The reduction in exercise and trying to figure out what the heck I'm supposed to be eating is doing a number on my figure. I don't feel like myself as I've had to cut back on exercise SUBSTANTIALLY over the past few months...I haven't run a 9 or 12 mile run in ages. I'm doing my best to eat healthy although I'll tell you the internet is driving me insane....how am I supposed to know what to eat?

"Eat full fat dairy" / "Eat NO dairy"
"Eat fresh, raw veggies, lots of them" / "No raw veggies or fruits, no raw anything" (apparently cold foods throw off my chi - according to my acupuncturist
"Limit refined carbs and sugars" (to control my PCOS - which apparently causes insulin resistance) / "Chow on some full fat ice cream a couple of times a week"
"Eat lots of protein" / "Limit animal protein"
"Eat red meat a few times a week" / "Limit animal protein"
"Drink soy milk" / "Avoid all soy products"
"Green Tea is good" / "Green Tea is bad" - (green tea is my other go to when I want to unwind and relax...I drink it all day long.
"Eat a high fat/high protein diet", "Eat organic everything"....

The one thing that seems to pretty unanimous (unfortunately) is that exercise (even moderate) is NO good for anyone who is in good physical shape and dealing with IF (Infertility for those who failed to read this post). UGH - for those who know me, they know that I'm pretty compulsive about exercise. And I'm that way for a number of reasons:
1. My sanity - I use my time running as meditation
2. I don't like being out of shape - call me vain if you want, I just don't feel good when I'm mushy
3. I get sad/depressed when I'm inactive and cannot snap out of it till I get back in the groove
4. Energy - when I don't exercise, I'm tired, lathargic and not nearly as productive as I am when I get my daily run in (I have no time to be tired or lathargic with my job).

So I've spent hours (no probably DAYS) scouring the internet trying to find SOMETHING, ANYTHING that will tell me that exercising just prior to and even during the IVF process is A-OK.

Negatory...see snippets from various studies and articles below...

Women who exercised four or more hours a week for years were 40% less likely to have a live birth after in vitro fertilization (IVF), according to a study of more than 2,200 patients.

Moreover, exercising four or more hours for one to nine years before attempting in vitro fertilization also doubled the risk of implantation failure, wrote Stephanie N. Morris, M.D., Harvard Medical School, and colleagues, in the October issue of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

"Interestingly, the most detrimental effect was observed in cardiovascular exercisers, who had a 30% lower chance of successful pregnancy after their first cycle of IVF," compared with women who didn't exercise, the investigators wrote.

By contrast, walking for one to three hours a week did not increase the risk of IVF failure, but women who walked for four or more hours a week "were 50% less likely to have a live birth compared with women who did not regularly exercise."

The authors concluded that while exercise has "many known health benefits, it does not seem to contribute to successful IVF outcomes."

After reading this, I started to feel like I'm doomed. I've exercised heavily for more than 15 years (an hour to hour and a half almost daily - with 30 minutes to an hour plus of that being cardio (usually) and filling in the gaps with yoga, pilates, weight training, etc. But even my weight training is usually high intensity to keep the heart rate elevated throughout. Now to hear that even walking 4 hours a week can contribute to low success rates????? What in the world?????????

So from today forward I'm restricting myself to walking and probably super duper light yoga (not my psycho vinyasa classes). Siyonara runs...yesterday was my last until this process is finished. We're investing an INSANE amount of money, time and energy so I guess I need to do all that I can to ease the process along. I can't undo the hours and hours of exercise I've done in the past (which very well may contribute to difficulties throughout this process) but I can make sure that I'm doing (or not) doing what I need to now!

Pray for my sanity and pray for those around me...I'm very grumpy when I'm feeling frumpy!

Apology +

2011-09-24T10:50:00.000-04:00

So my last post was pretty gloomy, sorry about that. I'm really not usually such a buzzkill. I went back and forth as to whether or not to post it and finally I was like, ya know what? Good, bad and ugly, I'm just gonna throw it all out there. I was in the midst of an icky hour when I wrote but literally just a short time after that I was back to normal. No worries and no need to call the suicide hotline or anything - the PoD has crept back to her hole (for the moment) so you're all safe from her miserable whining. I have to admit, I did feel better after just letting it out (that's not something I do often...usually she only shares her dismal personality with me so it all stays bottled up inside - blah!)

I think the fact that work is so INSANELY BUSY helps a lot. When I'm there I literally don't have any TIME to even think about IF, IVF or any of the issues that have brought us to where we are. So for once being too busy with work to have any sort of a personal life is a good thing :) And hey, in this economy the fact that we are so busy is a blessing so I'll take it over the alternative ANY DAY!!!!

Today however is a RARE Saturday off...slept in a bit (7am - I'm usually up by 4:30/5am) and am now half listening to the Mr. give an in-depth golf instructional as to the mechanics of the perfect golf swing (thrilling) in our family room. He's getting irritated because I keep looking away and typing while he's showing me his demo...never a dull moment at the Randazzo estate...:)

Later today I'm going to work on a gift for a gender party for next week. I'm super excited and can't wait to see if the little bundle will be a boy or a girl! We had one last weekend too and I made a diaper wreath to take (figure since you don't know the sex before the party the one thing you know that ALL babies will need are DIAPERS, DIAPERS and MORE DIAPERS!!!!). I should have taken a picture of it. It didn't turn out perfectly, but it looked pretty darn cute if I do say so myself. The Italian was pretty proud of it and he made almost everyone at the party look at it. (I don't like to draw attention to myself so would have been happy if it was just taken up to the nursery right away). I want to try to think of something a little different to do for this mommy to be (if you have any ideas, please share...I have one idea, but I'm not giving my secrets away yet!). Anyway, that will be today's project (along with sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, cleaning the kitchen, bathroom, changing bedsheets, dusting, catching up on some work (emails, proposals and some contracts I need to process), grocery shopping, etc., etc., etc.,).

I love this new Gender Party trend...hoping to have one someday soon myself! I swear, not if but when this happens I'm going to have parties to celebrate every stinking phase!!!!

Happy Saturday folks!

Princess of Darkness

2011-09-22T07:16:00.000-04:00

So I'm generally a happy person. I wouldn't say perky, but definitely a glass half full kind of gal. Sometimes I think I live in my own fairy tale world where there are no "bad guys", unicorns do exist and every good little girl gets her happy ending. I have a unique ability to live in denial at times, ignoring the fact that there are bad people in the world or that bad things happen to good people. The Italian says that I remind him of Princess Giselle from the movie "Enchanted", not only the red hair (totally awesome at the age of 34 to finally have a red headed heroine to look up to other than Ariel in "The Little Mermaid"), but her incessant, and almost annoying sense of optimism and that deep down all is working out for GOOD. I can see how this gets annoying, and I recognize it WHILE it's happening....for example....the Italian's had a bad day, boss is giving him a hard time (old, old job....he liked his last boss and likes his current boss now too), any way he'll just want to vent and complain and I can't take it. As he's complaining about said boss ( insert friend, family member, whatever), I jump into defending the person that he's complaining about because I refuse to believe that anyone is deliberately trying to be an A-hole....surely he/she has SOMETHING going on in his/her life that is causing him/her to act out, talk down or whatever the problem is. Now this drives him absolutely BONKERS! And I totally get it, he wants someone to have sympathy or empathy and I do, but I don't want to think anything bad about the other person, so I spend more time psychoanalyzing the antagonist than I do actually listening to what he's saying. I find myself doing the same thing with my employees at work...whenever something is bad or going wrong the "Annie" in me comes out and I do everything short of bursting into a stellar rendition of "The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow" to help justify whatever the situation is. (hey there's another redhead to look up to, but I don't think she counts cause of the 'fro...I could definitely never pull of that look)Lately however my Miss Mary Sunshine personality has been introduced to a creepy alter ego which I'm affectionately calling "THE PRINCESS OF DARKNESS" (PoD). As hard as I try to keep my chin up, not obsess and not overanalyze the what, how, where and why's of this journey, the Princess just keeps sticking her long, pointy nose all up in my business and filling my head with all of these doubts, questions and self defeating talk...now I don't want to brush over this lightly because there is some pretty heavy (and scary) stuff residing in the Princess's warped mind (I'll save that for later), but recently all she wants to talk about is "Why me? I must have down some (or lots of) REALLY bad things for God to punish me this way.". She's even bold enough to say, "You know this IVF stuff isn't going to work...you're going to spend all of this time, energy and money and still walk away with nothing, so you might as well get used to it, don't waste your emotions on getting excited about it because it isn't going to work.". And another beauty, "your husband probably regrets marrying a defect like you.". (he assures me this isn't true, but the PoD sure does have a loud voice)Now the good princess Giselle/Ariel/Annie in my knows that God doesn't "punish" his followers that way....he doesn't even punish non believers that way. There is a master plan out there that he has designed especially for me, but this Princess of Darkness seems to be speaking louder and louder everyday. I hate her and the thing that angers me the most is that she's always been there inside of me ready to poke her ugly little head out when things aren't going my way...and sometimes even when they are. Ugh...PoD go away...you are a PoS! Okay enough of all of that time to throw on my tiara, hop on my unicorn and get back to my real life which is perfect...at least perfect for me because I'm exactly where God wants me to be today.

Teddy Roosevelt...

2011-09-19T21:39:00.001-04:00

So my latest obsession has been pinterest....if you have not yet stumbled into this magnificent time warp, BEWARE. You log in and 3 hours (and 800 nutella recipes later) you snap out of it and realize that you have lost hours of your life which will never be reclaimed. Anywho, it is fun and a bit torturous...I have to admit that I have my own bambino folder with pictures of babies, nurseries, etc. It's fun to live in my imaginary Internet world once in a while. Now it's not all psychotic like that, I also have useful boards about crafts, recipes, home projects and m latest obsession....Nutella. I also have an "inspiration" board filled with scriptures, pictures and quotes to flip through if an when I need a pick me up. Tonight I found the PERFECT quote. I posted last week about my ability to compartmentalize my feelings about our struggle with infertility, especially with so many of my friends and loved ones expecting little bundles of their own. I certainly do not want to imply that I'm a saint or that I'm handling this better than anyone else....I had a hard time trying to describe the way my brain has chosen to cope with all of this. Then I found this quote by Theodore Roosevelt..."Comparison is the thief of joy"What wise words! And that is exactly how I have chosen to feel. I'm not going to let my own sadness or self pity allow me to steal the joy that I can feel for my blessed friends! Our journey is our own and I don't want to compare our path to anyone else's. I'll have to remind myself of thus as we take our next steps over the next month. Thanks for the reminder Teddy R! Sometimes inspiration comes when (and from where) you least expect it! Now off to enjoy tonight's episode of "Giuliana & Bill"...another inspiration for me...love watching their story too! Cheers!

Gulp...

2011-09-17T18:03:00.000-04:00

Well, Aunt Flo arrived today which meant we had to make some decisions about our next steps. I'm not gonna lie, I was very tempted to put IVF off for a month. Work has been kicking both of our booties and with the Italian still being the new guy at his job it's just scary to think of what could happen if the economy decides to tailspin again. $20k plus the cost of meds (apps $4k per cycle) is NO joke!!!!!!Ultimately, our schedules made the decision for us...so we're set to start the suppression phase tomorrow. That means bcps until October 4th, then back to REACH for labs and ultrasound on the 7th, then starting the stimulation injections on the 9th. That would put us scheduled for retrieval anywhere between October 18 and 22 with the transfer anywhere from 3 to 5 days after the retrieval. Did I mention that we had to figure all of this out within a 2 hr time period (from the time AF arrived until the nurses leave the office for the day...no pressure)?I feel like I should be excited, but right now I'm just nervous. Nervous about money, nervous about giving myself all of those shots, nervous about daily dr.'s visits, nervous about balancing this with work, nervous that we'll go through all of this and it still won't work....I really am normally a very positive gal, but right now I'm just worried...about everything. I don't like this feeling...ugh. And it's all I can think about. If there is one thing infertility has taught me, it's that I am incredibly obsessive compulsive. I'm even annoyed by me. God bless the Italian for putting up with My craziness!

Fetal Explosion

2011-09-09T18:10:00.002-04:00

That's right over the past two months we've dealt with hail, flooding, hurricanes earthquakes and more importantly, there has been a fetal explosion! I have seriously had no less than 10 friends announce their pregnancies with joy! (not here obviously, you all would know about that for real). Now you would think that since my lady parts are busted that this would be a source of misery for me, but it really isn't...honestly...I'm not lying. I don't completely understand how I am able to compartmentalize things so much. I honestly feel JOY and EXCITEMENT when I hear the news (I'll probably hear 2 or 3 more over the next few days as well). I really hope that no one feels the need to tiptoe around me or worry about hurting poor Kelly's feelings because the happiness that I feel when a friend announces her pregnancy only reaffirms my belief that good things happen to good people. I can't wait to go to Gender Reveal Parties, throw Baby Showers and hold those sweet little bundles once they're here. God is good and I'm ecstatic to hear that any (or many) of my friends are blessed. Much love to all the mommies to be - I can't wait to celebrate with you all!!!!

I'm scrappy and we Randazzo's will work this out. I'm getting impatient about starting our IVF - ready to get this party started...but first we have to await the arrival of my dear Aunt Flow...who really seems reluctant to visit now that I'm off all of the meds (further evidence of my busted plumbing). I've been taking OPKs for the past 3 weeks and no smiley face. I think it's cruel the way they put the negative signs on OPKs and HPTs. Instead of saying "no" or having that sad little empty circle (if it's positive there is a smiley face) they should make it more like a magic 8 ball with compliments along with the negative response:

● You look so pretty, but not in the pregnant glowing way, but still pretty, honest!
● You're free to drink! Break out the vino!
● You are fabulous (just not pregnant). Better luck next time.

And you should be able to shake it and each time you'll get a different version of that answer. At least there would be some entertainment instead of just seeing that stupid empty circle and slamming it in the trash.

Anyways, hopefully my long lost relative will visit soon so that we can begin our protocol and hopefully have good news to report in the next month or so! :)

Cheers y'all!

New Game - WIMBABM

2011-09-04T19:46:00.000-04:00

Now, I don't mean to sound preachy or self righteous. I'm searching for ways to entertain myself and keep things light around here, so that I don't slip into self pity-land. So I've found a new game to play - It's called WIMBABM "Why I Might Be A Better Mommy (or mommy to be than some others out there)....

I'm certainly not perfect and have my shortcomings and too many imperfections to list, so this little game is all in fun. And if your family or friends are pictured here, you should not feel comfortable admitting that in public.

Exhibit A - I would always make sure that our electrical outlets have the appropriate child proof covers on them.

Exhibit B - I would never where white after Labor Day....

Exhibit C - no words - some parents need to know what photos NOT to post on the internet. www.badparenting.org WILL find them....

And that's pretty much all I have to say about that. I won't be a perfect mommy by any means, but knowing what NOT to do is sometimes more important than knowing what to do.

Happy Labor Day y'all!!! xo

The Ice Cream Diet - infertility has it's privileges

2011-09-03T13:00:00.001-04:00

For those who have not been following since the beginning of my blog, you missed the instructions from my doc which would be a dream come true for most women: "drink two milkshakes a week and lay of the exercise".... I thought Dr. Katz had lost his mind. So of course I delve back into the world wide web for verification. I stumbled across article after article linking full fat dairy to increased ovulatory function in women. Wow - I guess Dr. K's medical degree really is legit! It must drive doctors nuts that we all think we're pseudo experts via our WebMD degrees.

I've included an excerpt from a much longer article on The Daily Beast below. If you have time to read the whole thing, it really has great information regarding exercise, getting the right type of protein, and maintaining the right body weight. Which brings to mind, if you are going on the Ice Cream Fertility Diet, keep in mind that you only need 1 serving (=1/2 c. of ice cream) twice per week. It's not much - a whole pint should last TWO weeks!

If you are having trouble getting pregnant and ovulatory infertility is suspected, think of ice cream sundaes as "health food". OK, maybe that's stretching it, but read on....

A fascinating finding from the Nurses' Health Study is that a daily serving or two of whole milk and foods made from whole milk—full-fat yogurt, cottage cheese, and, yes, even ice cream—seem to offer some protection against ovulatory infertility, while skim and low-fat milk do the opposite.
Removing fat from milk radically changes its balance of sex hormones in a way that could tip the scales against ovulation and conception. Proteins added to make skim and low-fat milk look and taste "creamier" push it even farther away.
The more low-fat dairy products in a woman's diet, the more likely she was to have had trouble getting pregnant. The more full-fat dairy products in a woman's diet, the less likely she was to have had problems getting pregnant.
Before you sit down to a nightly carton of Häagen-Dazs, keep in mind that it doesn't take much in the way of full-fat dairy foods to measurably affect fertility. Among the women in the Nurses' Health Study, having just one serving a day of a full-fat dairy food, particularly milk, decreased the chances of having ovulatory infertility. The impact of ice cream was seen at two half-cup servings a week. If you eat ice cream at that rate, a pint should last about two weeks.
Equally important, you'll need to do some dietary readjusting to keep your calorie count and your waistline from expanding. Whole milk has nearly double the calories of skim milk. If you have been following the U.S. government's poorly-thought-out recommendation and are drinking three glasses of milk a day, trading skim milk for whole means an extra 189 calories a day. That could translate into a weight gain of 15 to 20 pounds over a year if you don't cut back somewhere else. Those extra pounds can edge aside any fertility benefits you might get from dairy foods.
Aim for one to two servings of dairy products a day, both of them full fat. This can be as easy as having your breakfast cereal with whole milk and a slice of cheese at lunch or a cup of whole-milk yogurt for lunch and a half-cup of ice cream for dessert. Easy targets for cutting back on calories and saturated fat are red and processed meats, along with foods made with fully or partially hydrogenated vegetable oils.
If you don't like milk or other dairy products, or they don't agree with your digestive system, don't force yourself to have them. There are many other things you can do to fight ovulatory infertility. This one is like dessert—enjoyable but optional.

On a random note, I find it humorous and insulting that my blogger spell check does not recognize "ovulatory" as a correctly spelled word.

September is National PCOS Awareness Month

2011-09-02T15:34:00.001-04:00

I wonder if I get a prize or something? If I lived in Houston, I'd participate in the PCOS Awareness 5K on September 25th :) Sadly, Charlotte has no PCOS Awareness race. Maybe I'll start one (in all my free time).

I was first diagnosed with Lean PCOS by Dr. Katz in February. He told me at that time not to go home and google PCOS because I would read all sorts of things that would freak me out....he was right. Like a good little patient I went home and immediately grabbed my computer and began reading about how PCOS women are usually obese (okay that hurt my feelngs...I know I'm about 5 lbs or so from my cheerleading weight, but I wouldn't ever consider myself obese), some have mustaches, horrible acne, male pattern baldness....ACK - I thought infertility was bad enough and now I have to worry about all of this craziness!?!?!?!?!

After a few deep breaths and some common sense talk from The Italian, I started to calm down. I do not, nor have I ever had a mustache, I've been blessed with pretty decent skin (most of the time) and he assured me that I was far from being obese. I felt better however that did NOT stop me from continuing my internet research. It is VERY hard to find information about LEAN PCOS on the internet - most studies and information that you find is related to obese or overweight women diagnosed as PCOS. Us Lean PCOSer's are the forgotten soulcysters - even though 40% of all women diagnosed as PCOS are lean (ie at or below normal weight/BMI).

It took several hours of searching, but I did find this post that helped to explain a lot to me. I've included a few of the excerpts pertaining to Lean PCOS below with my comments in bold...

For heavier women, PCOS occurs because of the excess production of male hormone, which results in the abnormal androgen/estrogen ratio. Thin women don’t really have excess androgen production. Instead, they typically have normal androgen levels. However, at one point in time their estrogen levels were low.

(Estrogen comes from two places – the ovaries and the fat cell.)
In young, thin athletic women with very low percent body fat, estrogen levels are low.
The end result of this is that the androgen/estrogen ratio is altered just like that in the heavier women (the androgen level is normal but he estrogen level is low).
The absolute levels are lower in the thin women, but the ratio is still altered.

Two of the standard questions we ask are

“What is the least you have weighed in your adult life?” and
“were you an athlete?”

We want to know if there was a time of low estrogen production that may have “set up” the pattern of PCOS. There is excellent evidence that once this ratio is altered, it sets up a pattern of functioning in the ovaries that will persist into adulthood, i.e., PCOS.

This explains A LOT -

I was always a skinny minnie as a child. I hated how boney my legs were...I could (and did) eat 10-12 Taco Bell crunchy tacos in one sitting and never gained an ounce.
I was in dance classes 4-6 days a week so that would definitely qualify as an athlete (no smart comments - unless you've spent 4-7 hours a day (after school mind you) in a leotard and tights in a dance studio, you are NOT allowed to begin to insinuate that dancers are not athletes - I've got a grand battement that will knock you across the room, so don't mess with me.).
Even going into adulthood, I have experienced times where my weight would drop near 100 lbs without any effort. (I'm 5'7" so that is not a good or even remotely normal thing).

So it would make sense that the patterns of me being a skinny, active child and also being far too light for my height at various points in my adulthood could have set up the pattern of PCOS in my body. Don't know if this makes me feel better or worse that this could have been something that I did to myself. The research continues....

PCOS can often occur in women with normal androgen levels and no evidence of hirsutism (excess hair growth). Praise the Lord - no excess hair growth or mustaches for me!!!!
Many thin women with PCOS exhibit only irregular periods or less than optimal ovulation. True
Unfortunately, clomiphene does not work very well in thin women with PCOS. The anti-estrogen effects are profound enough that although egg development and ovulation may occur, pregnancy will not. (This is just an observation, but women that experience side effects from clomiphene such as hot flashes will not conceive on clomiphene.) Well that would have been handy dandy info to have had back in 2009 when my GYN/OB first started me on Clomid....
It is pretty clear that if pregnancy does not result within the first four cycles of clomiphene use, it probably is not going to – something else has to be tried. 85% of all clomiphene pregnancies occur within the first three months of treatment with clomiphene. After four months, very few additional pregnancies result. My GYN/OB kept me on Clomiphene (aka Clomid) for nearly 9 months before I referred myself to REACH! YIKES!

You can read the entire study here if you'd like. Since I published my first post, I've had MANY acquaintances, friends and friends of friends who have reached out to share that they also have been diagnosed with Lean PCOS. Knowledge is power. If you have Lean PCOS and your doc has you on Clomid, find a new doc! Dr. Katz put me on Letrozole (you can read more about it in the article) - Letrozoloe has been proven to be much more effective with women with Lean PCOS. When dealing with infertility every second counts and to waste 9 months on a treatment that was not right for my body and would basically not work is very frustrating.

So that is the end of today's lesson! If any of you readers have been diagnosed and have found other info, please feel free to share by leaving a comment!

By the way, I was checking my blog audience stats and noticed that I've developed a rather large following in Romania....so "mulţumesc" my Romanian friends! :)

It's Wheatgrass Wednesday!

2011-08-27T12:26:00.001-04:00

So I'm now on my wheatgrass kick - I'll be sharing a little bit as I learn more. The more I read about it, the more amazed I am.

To be honest, my first wheatgrass encounter was not good...not at all...I had my first wheatgrass shot in a green drink while grocery shopping at EarthFare this weekend. I almost barfed. Their green drink is served room temp which totally grossed me out. However while I was shopping I found awesome little frozen wheatgrass cubes. They're about $15.00 for 20 little "cubes" - you cut them out and gently thaw them in the sealed tray in warm water then I add to my Dr. Oz Green Drink in the mornings. No offense Earth Fare, but Dr. Oz's Green Drink kicks your green drink's A$#. (You can get the recipe - here)

One thing to note, if you buy these, you need to try to drink your wheatgrass within 15 minutes or so to preserve all of the nutrients. I haven't been brave enough to try the wheatgrass on it's own. Looked up more info and wanted to share for your knowledge. Good for everyone - even those not TTC (trying to conceive - come on you guys, did you really read my acronyms post? I told you there would be a quiz later! :)) If you missed it, you can read "here" Drink your wheatgrass today - keep yourself healthy and well.

The history of wheatgrass:

1930: CHARLES F. SCHNABEL

The consumption of wheatgrass in the Western world began in the 1930s as a result of experiments by agricultural chemist, Charles F. Schnabel. Schnabel conducted his first experiments with young grasses in 1930 after experimenting with various mixture of feeds that would increase chicken health and egg production during winter months. After trying various mixtures of vegetables, grains, etc., in his chicken feed, he found no differences in chicken health or egg production and nearly gave up. Noticing that hens searched out the young nutritious cereal grasses when available, he included dehydrated wheatgrass and oat grass with their feed. Schnabel was amazed to find the cereal grass mixture boosted the chicken's health significantly. He stated in his research, "even a child can see the bloom of health in the grass-fed hens." Additionally, the grasses increased egg production by150% per hen.

Schnabel was so fascinated with his discovery that he fed his family with dehydrated grass. That was the beginning of the human consumption of grass. His family consumed grass for eleven years and he reported that none of his children suffered from serious illness, not even with tooth decay.

Schnabel started promoting his discovery to feed mills, chemists and the food industry. "Two large corporations, Quaker Oats and American Diaries Inc., invested millions of dollars in further research, development, and production of products for animals and humans. By 1940, cans of Schnabel's powdered grass were on sale in major drug stores throughout the United States and Canada."

Charles Schnabel is the person who coined the statement "15 lbs. of wheatgrass is equal in overall nutritional value to over 350 lbs. of ordinary vegetables." In the 1940's, wheatgrass and other cereal grass tablets were the best selling "multiple vitamin" and mineral supplements in the nation.

1940: ANN WIGMORE

In the beginning of 1940's, Ann Wigmore continued to contribute to the popularization of wheatgrass. When Wigmore was a child, she watched and learned the power of natural healing from her grandmother, who helped heal the wounds of World War I soldiers with grasses, herbs, and plants.

In the 1960's Ann Wigmore "re-discovered" wheatgrass and was able to cure her own 'untreatable' colitis through her consumption of wheatgrass, raw greens, blended seeds, and grains. Within a year, she was cancer-free and began researching the healing properties of grasses, and began to focus on the healing properties of wheatgrass. Wigmore claimed that her wheatgrass diet could cure diseases. She shared wheatgrass with several sick friends and each recovered from their sickness. She went on to found the 'Hippocrates Health Institute' based on the principle "Let Food be your medicine," and treated countless people with serious health conditions. Wigmore died in 1993, but her Creative Health Institute is still an active institute.

In the 1940's, a man by the name of Charles Kettering (former Chairman of the Board of General Motors) donated money for the study of chlorophyll. Chlorophyll was studied intensively by medical doctors using FDA required standards i.e. double blind studies, etc. (There are currently over 40 articles written up in medical journals about the healing effects of chlorophyll.) These medical doctors found that chlorophyll was a great healer and used it as such for quite some time.

In 1931, Charles F. Schnabel discovered that grass achieves its peak nutrition when grown to the jointing stage. This is the point when the plant stops being a vegetable and starts reproducing. This point which for the most part is achieved in 3-7 weeks depending on the growing conditions, enables the prodigious root system of this plant to develop and pull minerals up from the soil. Immediately after jointing, there is a dramatic decline in nutrient content. Almost all bottled grass powders are grown this way. Although the Wigmore style, 10-14 day old greenhouse-grown, fresh squeezed grass juice is the grass of choice used at the healing centers for treating illness, the bottled dehydrated juice powders reign as nutritionally superior. They have more protein than meat, fish or eggs, more beta carotene than carrots, more calcium than spinach and are rich sources of vitamins A, C, and K, chlorophyll, RNA, DNA, antioxidants, nitrosamines and a full complement of amino acids and trace minerals.

Information from: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=115138243706

Secret Language

2011-08-27T11:42:00.000-04:00

So I've introduced you to a few of the acronyms that us infertile myrtles use to describe our experience, procedures, feelings, etc. Here's a more comprehensive list so hopefully you can start understanding this cryptic language :)

2WW = 2-Week Wait - this is the worst one. It's the period of time between "IT" and when Aunt Flo (AF)does or does not make her appearance.
AF = Aunt Flo (menstruation - unwelcome visitor)
AO = Anovulation - this is part of my diagnosis. For some reason I'm anovulatory - combination of exercise induced, being moderately underweight and incredibly active as a young'un (darn you ballet classes!), and PCOS in one ovary, blocked tube for quite a while on the other side, my acupuncturist says "you have a very complicated case indeed" - thanks for the comforting words...just stick the needles in me and let me hang out with my Chinese music please...
AWOL = A Woman On Lupron - this is a med that you take which basically shuts your hormones down completely forcing you into menopause. Giving your body time to "rest" and giving your doc total control over your hormones when you start back up.
BBT = Basal Body Temperature - I've never been into tracking this. Doc says that by the time you detect a temperature change, you've already ovulated, so it's too late to do anything with it. Definitely not effective tracking mechanism for someone with all of my issues and irregularities.
BCP = Birth Control Pills
BD = Baby Dance - i.e. sex, IT, doing the deed, or as Marvin Gaye so eloquently put it, "Let's Get It On". This sounds well and good until you get a call during the middle of the work day while TTC and says that according to your 7am bloodwork results it's time and NOW...do not pass go, do not collect $200...get your booty home 10 minutes ago!
BFN = Big Fat Negative - I'm WAY too familiar with this. It sucks.
BFP = Big Fat Positive - maybe some day!!!!
BW, b/w = Bloodwork - I'm a human pincushion, needles have no effect on me anymore.
CD = Cycle Day - Cycle Day #1 starts with AF's arrival...
CM = Cervical Mucus - you can look this up on your own...
COW = Curse of Womanhood (menstruation) - not so much a curse for those of us who are AO (see above)
DPO = Days Post-Ovulation - self explanatory
DPR = Days Post-Retrieval - self explanatory
DPT = Days Post-Transfer - self explanatory
ENDO = Endometriosis - I have this - had surgery to remove as much as possible, however it is known to come back, the only way to know is to go in and have the surgery again.
EPT = Early Pregnancy Test
ET = Embryo Transfer
FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer - my doc actually supports FET, he says it gives the woman's body time to recover after all the stimulation meds and gives the embryo's a more nurturing environment to implant. We'll see. He does 90% fresh embroy transfer b/c most of us infertile myrtles are impatient and want to do it "right now". Also the Attain Fertility plan covers up to 3 fresh and 3 frozen transfers, so you're required to try fresh first go round.
FSH = Follicle Stimulating Hormone
FTTA = Fertile Thoughts To All - sending to some special ladies who should hopefully be receiving good news soon!!!!!
FV = Fertile Vibes - ditto
hCG, HCG = Human Chorionic Gonadotropin - a hormone secreted early in pregnancy. It helps maintain high levels of progesterone which is critical for the success of preganancy. hCG is also the hormone detected by urine & blood pregnancy tests. I took this (via muscular injection) prior to my IUIs - it helps the mature follicle release. It can also cause a false positive on your HPT (see below), so you're not supposed to test until after the 2WW
HPT = Home Pregnancy Test - love seeing pics of these on my friends' blogs and facebook pages with BFP's!!!!!
HSG = Hysterosalpingogram - have had 2 of these. 1 unmedicated (yowza!)...1 with valium....valium makes everything all better :) I highly recommend the medicated HSG over unmedicated. You lay on an x-ray table while they shoot die into both fallopian tubes to detect potential blockage. I had a blocked tube which they cleared on the 2nd HSG.
ICSI = Intra-cytoplasmic Sperm Injection - this is part of IVF where they actually take the sperm and inject it into the egg in the petri dish rather than relying on the two to combine on their own.
IF = Infertility - ugh, hate this label
IM = Intra-muscular (WRT injections) - awesome
IUI = Intra-uterine Insemination - 3 strikes and you're out for us.
IVF = In Vitro Fertilization - our next step. Tons of meds to stimulate follicles (i.e. eggs), then they retrieve the eggs perform the ICSI and wait a few days to see how many grow and how many (if any) pass away :( Then they place the growing embryos (up to 2 per my doc's instructions) back into the uterus and pray that one or both implant.
LSP = Low Sperm Count - not an issue for us
MFI = Male Factor Infertility - not an issue for us
OHSS = Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome - during IVF there is a chance that your Ovaries may become overstimulated and this can result in a hospital stay. Extremely painful.
PCOS = Polycystic Ovary Syndrome - one or both ovaries produce too many small follicles which prohibits any one follicle from fully maturing and releasing (i.e. ovulation). I have this in one ovary which partially explains my why I am AO
PG = Pregnant - hopefully someday???? soon???? :) :) :)
RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist - Dr. Katz at REACH is my RE...we think he's great! :)
TESA = Testicular Sperm Aspiration - YOWZA! The Italian is SO thankful that he doesn't have to deal with this....OUCH!

Alright, there will be a quiz later!

Loss for words...not in a bad way

2011-08-27T11:04:00.000-04:00

First, I'll apologize for the extended absence. I've honestly been at a loss for words over the past month. And not in a bad way - I just haven't had anything to say (interesting or not) on the topics of fertility, TTC (trying to conceive for people who don't have to worry about this stuff - us "infertile myrtles" have acronyms for everything - I'll post about that later), work, life in general, etc. Too much going on with work to even think about IVF, infertility or the fact that I am rapidly approaching "Advanced Maternal Age" - i.e. 35.

We decided to postpone our IVF plans - want to give the Italian some time to settle into the new job. Luckily his boss knew about our IVF plans before he accepted the position so they'll definitely be willing to work with him on his travel schedule when the time comes. I also need some time to get things situated at my job. We're a man down on our team, so I'm anxious to get that position filled so I can go back to working 6 days a week instead of 7 :)

So we're thinking October or November for the actual procedure. I can't remember if I posted or not but his insurance does NOT cover infertility but we're ok with that.

So I'm still drinking/eating my "Green Drink" - I had some extra this morning so I made the Italian drink a little and I honestly thought he was going to vomit. He said "I don't know whether to drink it or chew it...ugh". He's right (the taste is fine, it's 100% the texture that bugs me), but it does get easier with time and it is a great way to get some extra organic veggies in!

I'm looking into wheatgrass shots as well. Earth Fare has them for $1.99 per shot and I've read that whea grass is really a miracle food - not specifically for fertility but for overall health in general. I figure that whether we get preggers or not, I might as well try to be as healthy as I possibly can be. You can read more about the benefits of wheatgrass at the following website: http://www.hippocratesinst.org/benefits-of-wheatgrass

To all my friends who have recently announced their pregnancies, you should start drinking wheatgrass immediately! :)

I tried to buy wheatgrass and blend it in my blender...don't waste your money it doesn't work. I even watched YouTube videos of other people blending it then straining out the juice (apparently our bodies can't digest the actual "grass" - so you just have to get the juice). I've even got a pretty good Cuisinart blender, so I was surprised when it didn't work. I'll just buy pre-made at EarthFare....I heart EarthFare!

Promise I'll update more frequently. I'm still researching when I can, so I'll post updates on that info as I come across it.

And finally, I'm asking for prayers for 3 very special ladies who are in the midst of their IVF cycles RIGHT NOW! Praying for BFP's (Big Fat Positives) for all of you!!!!

The Green Monster

2011-08-05T13:40:00.003-04:00

I've developed a great little support group of girls from various circles of my life and we're all going through this sort of at the same time. It's awesome how we all found each other and is so nice to have friends going through the same thing. My girls were kind enough to share a natural tip with me - Dr. Oz's Green Drink. (see photo and yes, it really does look that disgusting). I'll include the recipe at the bottom of this post for those who are interested. This miracle "drink" (if you can call it that) is FULL of antioxidants and fiber. Warning, I would be reluctant to call this a "drink" - it is THICK (hence the spoon in the glass). I treated it more as a chunky soup and choked it down that way. The flavor was not bad at all - it was a texture thing for me. Anyway, it's definitely HEALTHY and if I'm willing to pump my bod full of hormones and chemicals, I'm certainly going to give this a shot as well! I will tell you, I drank about 6-8 oz this morning at 7am and still am not hungry at 2pm...that is not normal for this girl...me likes to eat! Dr. Oz apparently drinks this regularly in the AM - love me some Dr. Oz!

Anyways, I will be lagging a little behind my girls on the IVF schedule due to some exciting new developments at the Randazzo Estate. The Italian was actually recruited for a new job (he wasn't even looking for a new opportunity - when does that happen in this economy). Well not only does the job include a SUBSTANTIAL pay increase, but there is a chance that their insurance plan will cover some or all of the IVF costs....SAY WHAT????? We'll find out early next week about the insurance, so we decided to be good stewards of all that God has given us and wait until we find out before we schedule our next steps for IVF. It's hard not to believe that God is shining down on us favorably for some unknown reason right now.

Anyway, I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted anything. I hate to say it but I have thoroughly enjoyed the last month - no shots, no pills, no counting days....it's been a welcome break! Work has been crazy enough - we're at peak wedding season, so I can't imagine having been on my injection regimine and trying to keep up with everything at work! Time is flying by and I'm realizing that I'm getting closer and closer to being of "advanced maternal age" - that's such a lovely term that they give to expectant mothers 35 or older. Awesome. Oh well, if I'm lucky enough to get preggers soon, I'll rock the title proudly! Peace out friends - chat soon!

Dr. Oz's Green Drink

2 cups spinach

1 -2 medium cucumber (approx 2 cups)

1 stalk celery

1/2 inch ginger root (or 1 teaspoon)

1 bunch chopped parsley (approx 1/2 cup chopped)

2 apples, cored

1 lime, juice of

1/2 lemon, juice of

Optional ingredients

raw carrot

unsweetened fruit juice

banana

Combine all ingredients in a blender and blend completely. Do NOT use a juicer as it will remove the pulp and all the nutrients contained within. I had to chop things up before blending and it took a lot of manhandling the blender in order to get it all mixed up. The texture will be THICK, but you should blend until smooth (no big chunks). Next time I will add a little water or a few ice cubes to loosen it up a little bit.

BON APETIT!

Missing in Action

2011-07-16T18:39:00.002-04:00

I just realized that it has nearly been a month since my last post...wow time flies when you're not counting cycle days, popping pills and taking shots all the time! So at our last visit we had decided to begin the suppression phase which is basically going back on birth control pills for a month to sort of shut down my system in order to give my doctor total control over stimulating my cycle next month. They recommend 1 month of suppression, but not more than that as they don't want to keep patients on BCPs for too long prior to starting the stimulation meds.

So we were just starting suppression and the whole world seemed to explode. Drama with work, drama with our puppy, drama, drama, drama....

If you don't know me, I don't do drama.

At work, one of my teammates accepted an awesome new position within our company, so trying to prepare for that transition has been a little overwhelming (to say the least). I'm excited for her, but we're gonna miss that girl too!!! Luckily she's close by so we'll still get to see her!

Unfortunately, part of the drama was 100% my own fault. I made a careless mistake which has literally given me serious anxiety since Wednesday. I don't want to go into specifics but it's really messed with my head, my nerves and my body. I've been almost entirely without sleep for 3 days now - my heartbeat racing wakes me up every 20 minutes or so (I'm sure that can't last much longer). I'm admittedly being hard on myself...I am absolutely my own worst critic and I do not like to make mistakes...at all...ever. And I'm really bad about beating myself up when I do.

My girlfriends who are mothers have told me that I will HAVE to get over this as when you're a mommy, mistakes are bound to happen and there is no time to sit around and feel sorry for yourself like I'm doing now.

This to shall pass, however it's definitely not the "stress free" environment my doctor is recommending as we prepare to turn my hormones upside down. My IVF nurse pulled me off the pills and said for us to try to start suppression next month hopefully when things have calmed down a bit and my mind and body are maybe in a more peaceful state.

The final bit of drama is related to our oldest "child" - Chance (our 10 year old yellow lab) developed what I now know is called a "hot spot" - but at the time, I thought it was a non-stop flesh eating virus! In a matter of 1 day what looked like a bug bite about the size of a dime grew into a full blown raw, wet, bloody infection larger than my hand all over the side of his face. Dave and I were a wreck thinking that his face may rot off overnight (gross I know, but you just don't understand how fast this grew and what it looked like...we had blood everywhere in our house). Then we take him to the vet and they're like "It's just a hot spot"...JUST a hot spot? Our dog looks like Freddie Krueger!!!!

They had to sedate the poor boy in order to trim and treat it and now he's sporting these fashionable booties and stylish Elizabethan Collar. Poor fella...he looks kind of like a flower :) Man we love this dog...he is the sweetest thing ever!

So we're back to waiting a bit. We'll re-start suppression next month and then start the stimulation cycles and hopefully have good news soon!

For the time being, I'm getting my running legs back! Once we get to the end of suppression I'll have to chill back out on that again. Dr. Katz says for some reason infertility is the one area of medicine where exercise really does more harm than good (except in the case of some overweight or obese patients). It's the only thing that has gotten me through this week. Running is my time with God & with myself and my own thoughts...it's my form of meditation and the only time that I actually feel at peace.

So I'll try to be better about posting - but the next couple of weeks may still be a little crazy, so no promises...I'm not going to stress over it :)

The Holy Grail

2011-06-27T19:57:00.000-04:00

Ok - so anyone dealing with dr's appointments of any sort knows the frustrating game of phone tag that ensues. Well imagine that you have dr's appointments several times a week and that your job has you in meetings and appointments with clients at least 50% of the working day and that after every dr appointment you're waiting to hear some result to some test. Frustrating doesn't even begin to explain it. They call and leave a voicemail saying that they have results, I call back and leave a message asking them to call me back, they call me back, I'm in a meeting - they don't leave results on the vm, I call them back, the nurse is meeting with a patient so I leave another message, they call me back...you get the picture, right?

So the Italian and I went for our IVF consult on Friday afternoon. More on that later, but the best thing happened...I found the holy grail of infertility...my IVF nurse gave me her EMAIL ADDRESS!!!!!! Praise the Lord - I can finally communicate with someone instead of playing phone tag...HOORAY!!!

OK - aside from that little nugget, the consult was crazy informative. Dr. Katz actually did a test retrieval which was kind of gross but took all of 3 minutes and he just carried on a conversation with us the whole time like nothing was going on...the weird thing is that Dave is getting used to this too. Everyone's just having conversations about all sorts of random stuff while well, you know...

After that lovely experiment, we spent over an hour with Dr. K going through questions, things we should know, all that good stuff. He seems to feel like I'm an excellent IVF candidate and said he'd estimate a 65% chance that we'd bring a little bundle of joy home after the first try. Sounds good, but that means there's also a 35% chance that my little eggs are shot or that my endometriosis is making it too difficult for an embryo to implant and that may explain why we're having trouble getting preggers in the first place. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts...

So we're definitely moving forward with IVF, just not right now. The IVF nurse gave us a a sample plan which would have us moving forward on July 1st...our wedding anniversary...next week....too soon! We're probably going to wait a month or so and just try to get back to normal a little bit. We want to take time to decide whether we want to pay for the one shot wonder at $12k or go for the mac daddy 6-try insurance plan at $23-$29k with a 70% refund if all tries are unsuccessful. MOST people don't have to use all 6 tries, but the peace of mind knowing that IF God forbid it doesn't work that you get the majority of your money back helps to relieve some of that stress that it's so important to be avoiding. Plus I need a little time to recover emotionally and physically from the crazy hormones I've had in my body for the past 2 years. (Dave could probably use a break from that too).

For my fellow Infertile Myrtles...

2011-06-14T10:46:00.000-04:00

This is a sweet and thoughtful post that I found on an IVF message board last night, just wanted to share as I know there are some other couples struggling with infertility following along with this blog. My thoughts, prayers and love are with you too...

What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility? (Excerpted from a post on an IVF Board)

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive “advice.” We can all list the most popular ones: “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant,” or “adopt and you’ll get pregnant,” or “things happen for a reason“, or the most painful from those who think they’ve got the goods on God’s plan, “Maybe God never meant for you to have children.” The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, “Maybe God never meant for you to live.” However, because of infertility, the woman is supposed to get on with her life. It’s hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which treatment must be sought. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, “Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die.” What if he’d never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God’s plan?

What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That’s not my destiny; that’s just a fork in the road I’m on. I’ve been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I’m a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven’t let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I’ve ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I’ll say, “Don’t tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know.”

To whomever wrote this, I give you all the credit for the eloquent expression! This post has been copied and pasted so many times that I wasn't able to track down the original author. If anyone knows who wrote this, please let me know - I'd love to contact her! xoxo

IVF it is....

2011-06-12T19:05:00.001-04:00

I had my routine Day #3 appointment for blood work and an ultrasound...luckily Dr. Katz (my doc) was the one on duty today (they rotate on the weekends, so a lot of time you don't get to see "your" doc), so I actually got to chat with him for a bit. Although he had originally told us 4 IUIs is what he recommended he said that after this last one, he really doesn't feel like it will be productive. There's basically a 10-15% success rate for each IUI procedure, however MOST people see success within 3 attempts. The timing and preparations leading up to all 3 IUIs have been perfect and unfortunately there's no way to know what is going wrong after that. We've been spending between $700-$800 per month on the IUIs (with monitoring, drugs, the procedure, sperm wash, etc.), so it's not breaking the bank, but it's not chump change by any means either! I know people who have done 4, 5 and up to 9 IUIs with no success which is scary!

So he said that the decision is ours....we can go for IUI #4 or go ahead and start preparing for IVF (success rates closer to 60-65%). When I asked him what he would do if he were us, he said IVF with absolutely no hesitation.

We had to make a decision about the IUI TODAY, because if we did want to proceed with the IUI I'd have to start meds tonight. So it was all a little overwhelming. I was fine in the office and on the way home. But once I got home and Dave asked me about it, I had yet another break down. This is not normal for me. I'm weird - in my previous life I cried A LOT, but not about important things...I cry at Hallmark commercials, The Biggest Loser, Extreme Home Makeover and anytime I hear the song "Carolina in my Mind" by James Taylor (reminds me of my cheering days), but when it comes to real life stuff I'm really good at putting up walls like Fort Knox and holding it all together like a champ. Well now for some reason my walls are broken, no matter how hard I try, I can't put them UP. Poor Dave, he's not used to seeing this side of me. He just laid in the bed and rubbed my back and kept telling me that it will be ok.

I honestly never thought that we would get to this point...nothing against IVF it is AMAZING technology and I have learned that SO many of my friends have and are going through IVF now. I just never thought that it would be ME in those shoes. The preparations and drugs are just so hard on your body and spirit and of course, the cost is insane! Now I know that you can't put a price on the happiness a child brings but still...it's so frustrating to live in a state that does not require that insurance companies assist with infertility treatments. This is not a "choice" that I've made, this is a "choice" that was never given to me. I'm not an unemployed person choosing to have additional children so that I can accept more welfare from the government, I'm a hard working, tax paying citizen who just wants to have a family that we plan to support ourselves, not rely on the government to do so. (ok I'm off my political soapbox now).

We have a meeting with Dr. K, his nurses and the financial counselor on June 24th but basically it comes down to 3 options:

1. $12,500 = one try, includes the procedure, monitoring and injectables (4-5 shots per day on many days - YOWZA)

2. $16,000-ish = 2 tries

3. $20,000-ish = 3 tries (or more, not clear on this) and money back if it doesn't work

Those are rough guidelines - we'll learn more next week. Right away Dave said #3 sounds like what we should do. If we're gonna go for it, let's go all out - again, we'll decide for sure after our meeting on the 24th.

On the upside, what that means for this month is that I get to do NOTHING - no drugs, no shots, nothing...I just get to let my little body rest and re-set itself. I'm definitely looking forward to that!

If anyone has advice on how to prepare for IVF, I'd love to hear from you! I'm super nervous and of course, already trying to get my game plan together.

Much love to the hundreds of people I've heard from over the past month...I can't tell you how much I appreciate the love, support, prayers and most of all your stories too. My prayers are there with my fellow infertile myrtles. God has a plan!

2011-06-10T17:57:00.000-04:00

That's right - Aunt Flo arrived....EARLY....TODAY. What the heck??????? Ugh! Woke up feeling all "pre-Aunt Flowy" and sure enough...she settled in comfortably this afternoon.

The "F" in BFN does NOT stand for Big FAT Negative this month if you catch my drift. For those who know me well, they know that's about as close to a curse word they'll probably hear out of my mouth or off my keyboard.

So what do I do? Being the practical gal that I am, I get on the phone like a good patient to call Dr. Katz and report "Cycle Day 1" - as I'm going through my name, my chart number, my phone number, etc. my voice starts to crack and by the time I'm telling them WHY I'm calling in I can hardly speak. I got through the phone call and then sobbed like a baby (I mean uncontrollable, out loud "ugly crying") for 10 minutes and then all of the sudden it stopped.

The tears just stopped.

The shaky breath....stopped,

the quivering lip...stopped.

All I could hear was God's voice in my ear saying that it's for the best. My body is doing it's job. If it were time for a beautiful, HEALTHY baby - this wouldn't be happening the way it is right now.

So I straightened my dress, put on some lipstick and headed back to work to finish the day at my job that God has blessed me with so that I can drive home in the car that God blessed me with to the beautiful home that God blessed us with.

It's so easy to get caught up in the "why me's"...now I'm starting to ask, "Why NOT me???" What makes me think that I'm any better than anyone else? Why should my road be easier than anyone else's? There are certainly people dealing with much more difficult and dire circumstances than this, so for today I am grateful that perhaps God protected me from something that may potentially have been disastrous and devastating.

I will not worry about anything, instead praying about everything. Telling God what I need and being THANKFUL for all that He has done!!!! (Phillipians 4:6 paraphrased by yours truly - for those who don't read the Bible...you should check it out, there's an answer in there for everything you need).

We're headed back to the Dr. Sunday morning for Day 3 bloodwork and ultrasounds (yup the yucky ultrasound) - then back to meds, shots, more shots and our final IUI attempt...I'm not thinking any further past that.... "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

See? Told you! An answer for everything in The Good Book :)

Frankie Say RELAX!

2011-06-07T20:25:00.000-04:00

I can NOT begin to count how many people have told me in how many different ways that if we would just "relax" that everything may fall into place and we'd be just fine. As an optimist myself, I love hearing this, however....easier said than done! For all of those loved ones out there who are worried about my inability to relax, I promise, I'm TRYING to "relax" (sounds like an oxymoron right?)

I am naturally a tightly wound, obsessive compulsive control freak (some may lovingly use the phrase "anal retentive"), so relaxing is not my strong suit....and that drives me bananas because I am also type A, bonafide overachiever/people pleaser, so to realize that my attempts at making myself relax are not only not succeeding but also that other people are noticing that I'm not succeeding at that attempt and could potentially be disappointed with me for the "failure" is making me crazy which again sort of defeats the relaxation attempts. So I'll work on it - promise.

Anyways - so we're 8 days down and 6 days to go - more than halfway through the 2 week wait - HOORAY!!! I'll tell ya it hasn't been easy this go round...something is different ~ I feel flat out CRUMMY! I don't know if it's side effects from the injectables or what - but my body is not happy with this last round of medicine and the IUI. I feel and look like a blowfish (hubby swears that I don't look like one - but I think he's just afraid of what will happen if he agrees with my assessment). And it's not just the blowfish syndrome, it actually hurts and is very uncomfortable, all sorts of weird "twinges" and cramps all through the day and night.

I of course have self diagnosed myself (via google searches) with OHSS...Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome (which is not a good thing). This basically means that your internal lady parts (ovaries) have become overstimulated and incredibly swollen due to the fertility meds. This can be severe and require hospitalization or it can be minor and work itself out. One of the biggest threats is Ovarian Torsion - that's right...twisted ovaries (awesome) which can have all sorts of crazy, horrible and irreversible side effects. So as I read the plethora of horror stories on the internet, I am doing my best to remain calm, to "relax" and reassure myself that this is NOT my diagnosis but I'll chat with Dr. Katz about that to confirm. I'm starting to become a bit of a hypochondriac now too...(relax Kelly, relax, relax....)

3rd Time's a Charm???? (Day #1 of the 2ww)

2011-05-31T16:14:00.000-04:00

So fate was in our favor and our IUI was scheduled for this morning - hooray, we didn't have to cut our little vacay short! We had the best time being AWAY and disconnected from most of the world for a few days. Unfortunately the shots made me pretty darn uncomfortable for the last day or two of the trip but nothing unmanageable - try to imagine having =water balloons inserted into your abdomen...that's sort of what it feels like. Squishy and icky and kind of sore on top of the nausea from my Metformin. This did not keep me from wolfing down some s'mores made with Nutella - if you haven't tried this heavenly combination, you should do so immediately!!!! (Trader Joe's Graham Crackers + Nutella (the more, the better) + a nice toasty jumbo marshmallow...or as my friend Janie's sweet little girl Claire calls them "marsh-a-mallows" - delicious, delicious, delicious and you don't have to wait for your chocolate bar to melt...YUMMMM-O!)

I only had one MINOR meltdown (I say it was minor, the Italian might say differently...he made the mistake of making a remark about what the hormones are doing to my temperment at the beginning of said meltdown...needless to say that took me from a 2 up to a 10 rather quickly - sidenote to ANY men out there who may have stumbled across this post...do NOT, I repeat NOT under any circumstances EVER make reference to a woman's hormones (undergoing fertility or not) - you will not win this argument). Any way, the doc's office called on Friday afternoon, only an hour after we had been in Boone to let me know that I'd need to take an Ovidrel shot on Sunday evening. I didn't have an Ovidrel shot with me as I hadn't been given a prescription for one this month yet, so had to begin an easter egg hunt all over Boone and Blowing Rock in order to find a pharmacy that would be able to get one. Apparently there aren't many infertile women in the mountains...after 2 hours on the phone with about 10 different pharmacists, the sweetest pharmacist at Boone Drug spent an hour calling all of their locations and finally the hospital in order to get it rush ordered in! Thank to Boone Drug! If they had a location here in Charlotte, I'd be a customer for life!!!!

So anyway, the Italian and I had to go in to REACH at 7am this morning for my blood work and his "donation" - then we were back at 11am for the procedure. We are feeling hopeful, the doc said that according to the numbers, the timing could not have worked out better - probably performed the actual procedure minutes before my actual ovulation time according to my progesterone levels. And the Italian's swimmers were awesome...more than 15 million (normal is 10 mil) - he was very proud of his contribution. :)

Unfortunately, the doc said that even though everything so far is lined up perfectly, there are no guarantees...at this point, it's totally a God thing. So I'm going to let go and let God handle this from here.

So today is officially day #1 of my least favorite period of time...the two week wait (2ww). June 14th is the date that we'll know something. We can't take a test before then due to the hormones in the injections that I've been taking (they'll show a false positive and I don't want to get excited about something that "isn't").

And I got an email today letting me know that my blog as been listed on the Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer Blogroll: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/a-whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you-sorted-and-filed/ If you or someone you know is searching for more real life stories about infertility and/or success stories, the Stirrup Queen's blog will keep you busy for weeks!!!!

Prayers are appreciated - prayers for patience, prayers for peace and prayers for a BFP on June 14th!!!! BFP = Big Fat POSITIVE :)

Cheers!

Hi Ho, Hi Ho - it's off to the doc I go!!! (Tomorrow)

2011-05-26T18:21:00.000-04:00

OK - so I just had to shoot up my follistim drugs sitting at my desk - that was one of the weirdest things I've done so far. These shots have to be taken at very certain times and unfortunately with my job, I can't always be in the privacy of my own home when THE TIME comes! It's super weird having to live my life according to my body's schedule. I'm used to telling IT what to do and when, not the other way around.

Doctor's appointment tomorrow which I'm actually looking forward to. I always like going to see the doctors at REACH...at least I feel like I'm moving forward when I'm meeting with them...during the 2ww (2 week wait) it feels like everything is standing still and I'm just waiting, waiting, waiting.

I do feel like a lab rat though...at the dr's for bloodwork several times each month and then the lovely ultrasound and not the cute kind you get where they rub jelly on your belly, you hold hands with your hubby and get to see your precious little baby growing inside of you. At this ultrasound, it goes IN, yup INSIDE...WAY INSIDE. The first time they did it I was totally freaked out. It goes in, WAY IN and moves around and they measure all sorts of things - the thickness of your lining (I was actually flattered at my last appointment the doc said, "lining looks good...REAL good and I don't say that to all the gals" - geez doc, you're making me blush), they also check both ovaries to see how many little baby follicles are growing (follies are basically little baby eggs - a "normal" woman produces one good one each month and then ovulates (releases one of the eggs) out of one of her ovaries).

For the past 2-3 months I've been on drugs to help stimulate follicle growth because I wasn't ovulating on my own, but Dr. Katz wasn't totally satisfied with the size of the follicles. My right side is PCOS which stands for Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome which means that too many little baby follicles develop and there's so many of them in there that there is no way that any one of them can mature enough to release (ovulation) - so he started me on this Follistim stuff (the shots) - not as bad as I thought it would be, by the way...I'm actually getting to the point where I'm hardly fazed by needles anymore (is that even the way you spell that in this context? fazed, phased, phazed, whatever I'll spell it however I want).

Anyway, back to the appt...Tomorrow, HOPEFULLY I'll have SEVERAL decent sized follies (in the 20mm+ range) on both sides and he'll tell me when we can schedule our 3rd IUI. If the days add up correctly, it should be Tuesday...praying that it's Tuesday, please make it be Tuesday. We have a super fun vacay planned with some of our best friends up to our old stomping grounds Boone, NC for the holiday weekend and I don't want to have to cut it short, but we'll see! (again, adjusting to living life according to "the dictator" a.k.a. my hormones...which aren't even mine anymore come to think of it).

And speaking of this vacation - it is a perfect example of my type A, obsessive compulsive, anal retentiveness...this morning I sent my girlfriends a 3 sheet, Excel workbook detailing out our meal plans, tentative itinerary and shopping lists for the weekend. Thank God people are willing to put up with my craziness! I'm a real handful!

But you know, I've been this way forever. I remember when my parents moved when I was in college I found a box with my old diaries in it and instead of "Kelly loves so-and-so" or "She is so mean, she made fun of me for wearing Jordache instead of Guess", I had timelines and agendas for everything - Camping Trips, Vacations, Christmas Eve Dinners (i.e. Grandma & Grandpa arrive at 5:00pm, 5:30 pm Dinner in the Dining Room, 5:45pm open presents in Family Room (I was always anxious to get to the presents)), my self thrown 13th birthday party (that's right my parents wouldn't throw me a birthday party that year, so I made my own invitations, sent them out and planned my own...it was a smashing success until my parents called all of their parents and everyone had to go home)...I think I MIGHT get some of it from my dad, but it must have increased in potency with the next generation. If I weren't me, I might be quite annoyed by me.

So anyway, if it comes to mind, please say prayers for big healthy follies (but not too many - don't want to be Kate Gosselein, I can't pull off that haircut and there's no way Dave could pull off the Ed Hardy apparel once we reach our demise).

Happy Memorial Day friends! Hope you all have FUN plans for yourselves!

Dr's Instructions: "Drink two milkshakes, stop running & call me in the morning..."

2011-05-24T17:11:00.000-04:00

For those who don't know me, I'm usually a pretty active chick. Not like sporty spice active (I have absolutely NO hand-eye coordination, but give me a 5,6,7,8 with some choreography and I'll work it like nobody's business...complete with hair tosses). I also started running several years ago. Nothing makes me happier than throwing on my kicks and heading outside for a 2 hour run. I know, people think I'm C-razy...maybe I am, but I love it. Nothing clears my mind like a nice LOOOONG run.

So in February, when I self referred myself to the specialists at REACH one of the first things my doc asked me about was my diet and exercise regiment. I was feeling pretty stinkin' proud of myself as I proceeded to tell him that I ran anywhere from 30-45 miles a week along with occasional yoga, cycling and once in a while an hour here or there on the elliptical.

As for diet, I usually eat pretty clean. Now trust me, I'm not an angel all the time with my eating, I love my pizza, cookies, brownies and most of all Starburst Reds Jelly Beans - but on a day to day basis I eat really well...egg white omelets with veggies along with old fashioned oatmeal, flaxseed meal and walnuts EVERY, SINGLE morning for breakfast, usually chicken breast or salmon with spinach or broccoli for lunch and chicken breast, salmon or shrimp with broccoli roasted in olive oil for dinner and I snack on plain low fat greek yogurt with berries, more flaxseed meal and either almonds or walnuts in the morning or afternoon. All the "superfoods" the good stuff that you're supposed to be eating. All the magazines say so, right?

So imagine my surprise when my specialist says, "That's what I thought. I need you to drink a couple of milkshakes a week and chill out on the exercise." (insert record scratch here) -

uh what?????? If you're trying to have a baby, shouldn't you be focused on getting your body in the best possible condition that it can be?????

Well apparently the amount of exercise I was doing can lead to annovulation (which I had had for years). So for the past couple of months, I've been TRYING to really cut back - but I'm not gonna lie, it sucks. I know for many people a doctor's note to have ice cream every week and not exercise for more than 30 minutes or so would be a dream come true, but I hate it. So for the past week, I've been inching my mileage back up - I did a couple of 6 mile runs and it felt amazing (I can hear my phone ringing with my mother scolding me on the other line now)...

So I'm going to be careful and not go back to my 9, 12 or 15 mile runs, but I'll be sneaking in a few 6 milers here and there - I'm trying to establish BALANCE where I can.

OK - now time to break into my Follistim kit and shoot up with more hormones (which make me oh so pleasant to live with). I apologize profusely to my husband, coworkers and family for having to deal with my cheery disposition and mood swings over the past several months. And just a word of warning (husband), if you happen to mention that perhaps my mood swing is related to the hormone injections, just be prepared for the outburst to follow. (Don't say I didn't warn you)

Deep breath.....

2011-05-23T19:54:00.000-04:00

OK - so I have been contemplating whether or not to "go public" with our story for quite a while (nearly a year, actually). For nearly 2 years, my husband and I have been "trying" to start a family. We both hate that terminology..."trying"...isn't it just supposed to happen? - it seems like daily I get little notices or word that another friend, former client, family member, co-worker or acquaintance is blessed with a pregnancy, a baby, a blessing, a "happy accident", which by the way is synonymous with my all time favorite word...SERENDIPITY.

ser·en·dip·i·ty/ˌserənˈdipitē/Noun: The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way: "a fortunate stroke of serendipity".

Now I hate to sound whiny, needy or ungrateful. I'm actually quite lucky, VERY lucky...and incredibly blessed. I have been blessed to have LOTS of "happy accidents" throughout my 34 years here on earth.

Exhibit A: My entire career to this point has been a "happy accident". In a former life while engaged, I was calling venues about possibly hosting our upcoming wedding reception at various locations and one gentleman at one of the venues actually took time to ask me what I wanted to do when I graduated from college...I thought about it for 2 seconds and said, "I think I'd like to have your job". From that point, he gave me a few tips about how to get started and within less than a year, I found myself as the Director of Catering for a local country club (with hardly any experience, mind you - that is unheard of in our industry) so to just happen into a position like this was....SERENDIPITY. (That engagement didn't pan out, by the way...another example of serendipity...but that's another story for later)

Exhibit B: On a whim, I decided to audition for the the cheerleading/dance team for an NFL team. Now I NEVER would have described myself as the prototypical NFL cheerleader...I was never a cheerleader in school, but I did spend 20 years of my life in dance training. Still, the usual course of negative self talk went through my mind, but I was determined to at least try...I didn't want to be 90 years old and say, "I wonder what would have happened if I had just tried?" Well wonder of wonders, I was one of only 3 NEW girls to make the team...3...what the heck! This little fair skinned, red head with freckles on her nose was an NFL cheerleader...are you kidding me? Serendipity strikes again. And a trip to the Superbowl, the Pro Bowl, some of the best friends I could ever ask for (from all over the country) and countless memories (and photos) later, I still look back and wonder...how in the world did THAT happen to me???

And finally and probably most importantly, one June night in 2002 as I was simultaneously coordinating a Bar Mitzvah, a Birthday/Pool Party and a Wedding Reception while helping to oversee the Club Grill, this "hot Italian guy" who was a member at the country club I was working for asked me out, and the rest as they say is history. Sure there were ups and downs along the way but there was something there that just wouldn't let go..."the development of events by chance in a happy and beneficial way"...my courtship with and now marriage to the Hot Italian can only be described as serendipity.

So that brings us to now...nearly 9 years after that original first date, almost 6 years from our wedding day and nearly 2 years from the day that we agreed that we were ready to "try" to start a family.

I just assumed that this "trying" would be brief (and fun)...little did I know that we were headed down a path filled with surgeries, procedures, ultrasounds, "deposits", pills, needles and worst of all....the dreaded TWO WEEK WAIT. Ugh, the two week wait. I miss the days where I counted my time by the weddings that I had on the books each weekend, by cheerleading practice, football games and appearances. Now, I count my time based on 28 day cycles, countless doctor's appointments, medications, trigger shots, IUI cycles and worst of all that stupid 2 week wait...2 weeks at the end of every 28 day cycle where I'm afraid to do anything. Afraid to run and exercise because what if I have a little weak embryo just desperately trying to "latch on"....afraid to have a glass of wine with friends or my husband because IF my least favorite relative Aunt Flo happens to show up on day 28 I won't be able to stop from asking myself, "what if it's because of that glass of wine that I had last week?"...afraid to stress out, because all of the doctors and experts keep telling us how important it is to remain calm and stress free...hello????? Have you met me??? Do you know what I DO for a living? I stress out about every miniscule detail of the most important events of people's lives so that they don't have to!!!! Stressing out is my livelihood. But finally, afraid to talk to anyone about it because if you don't know me, I'm a pretty stubborn and PRIVATE person. I don't like to make anyone feel like I'm seeking pity, I honestly do not want anyone to feel sorry for me...so why am I going "public" with this now? If I don't want pity why am I sharing my story?

I honestly don't totally know why.

I've prayed about it...A LOT and I keep hearing this soft voice telling me to share what we're going through...maybe someone else will read it and say, "hey, that's my story too". The one thing that I have learned through this "process" is that I am NOT alone...nearly every time that I have opened up and shared what we're going through I've learned that either the person that I'm talking to or someone near and dear to their heart is or has gone through many of the same things.

We're not alone my fellow infertile myrtles! And there ARE happy endings...happy endings come in various forms - through mild fertility drugs, IUI, more invasive IVF or even adoption. Some even come to find peace with a future without children to raise. So I'm on the search for our fortunate stroke of serendipity - our happy accident that will bring peace to my heart and mind.