Missing in Action

I just realized that it has nearly been a month since my last post...wow time flies when you're not counting cycle days, popping pills and taking shots all the time! So at our last visit we had decided to begin the suppression phase which is basically going back on birth control pills for a month to sort of shut down my system in order to give my doctor total control over stimulating my cycle next month. They recommend 1 month of suppression, but not more than that as they don't want to keep patients on BCPs for too long prior to starting the stimulation meds.

So we were just starting suppression and the whole world seemed to explode. Drama with work, drama with our puppy, drama, drama, drama....

If you don't know me, I don't do drama.

At work, one of my teammates accepted an awesome new position within our company, so trying to prepare for that transition has been a little overwhelming (to say the least). I'm excited for her, but we're gonna miss that girl too!!! Luckily she's close by so we'll still get to see her!

Unfortunately, part of the drama was 100% my own fault. I made a careless mistake which has literally given me serious anxiety since Wednesday. I don't want to go into specifics but it's really messed with my head, my nerves and my body. I've been almost entirely without sleep for 3 days now - my heartbeat racing wakes me up every 20 minutes or so (I'm sure that can't last much longer). I'm admittedly being hard on myself...I am absolutely my own worst critic and I do not like to make mistakes...at all...ever. And I'm really bad about beating myself up when I do.

My girlfriends who are mothers have told me that I will HAVE to get over this as when you're a mommy, mistakes are bound to happen and there is no time to sit around and feel sorry for yourself like I'm doing now.

This to shall pass, however it's definitely not the "stress free" environment my doctor is recommending as we prepare to turn my hormones upside down. My IVF nurse pulled me off the pills and said for us to try to start suppression next month hopefully when things have calmed down a bit and my mind and body are maybe in a more peaceful state.

The final bit of drama is related to our oldest "child" - Chance (our 10 year old yellow lab) developed what I now know is called a "hot spot" - but at the time, I thought it was a non-stop flesh eating virus! In a matter of 1 day what looked like a bug bite about the size of a dime grew into a full blown raw, wet, bloody infection larger than my hand all over the side of his face. Dave and I were a wreck thinking that his face may rot off overnight (gross I know, but you just don't understand how fast this grew and what it looked like...we had blood everywhere in our house). Then we take him to the vet and they're like "It's just a hot spot"...JUST a hot spot? Our dog looks like Freddie Krueger!!!!

They had to sedate the poor boy in order to trim and treat it and now he's sporting these fashionable booties and stylish Elizabethan Collar. Poor fella...he looks kind of like a flower :) Man we love this dog...he is the sweetest thing ever!

So we're back to waiting a bit. We'll re-start suppression next month and then start the stimulation cycles and hopefully have good news soon!

For the time being, I'm getting my running legs back! Once we get to the end of suppression I'll have to chill back out on that again. Dr. Katz says for some reason infertility is the one area of medicine where exercise really does more harm than good (except in the case of some overweight or obese patients). It's the only thing that has gotten me through this week. Running is my time with God & with myself and my own thoughts...it's my form of meditation and the only time that I actually feel at peace.

So I'll try to be better about posting - but the next couple of weeks may still be a little crazy, so no promises...I'm not going to stress over it :)