Monday, May 23, 2011

Deep breath.....

OK - so I have been contemplating whether or not to "go public" with our story for quite a while (nearly a year, actually). For nearly 2 years, my husband and I have been "trying" to start a family. We both hate that terminology..."trying"...isn't it just supposed to happen? - it seems like daily I get little notices or word that another friend, former client, family member, co-worker or acquaintance is blessed with a pregnancy, a baby, a blessing, a "happy accident", which by the way is synonymous with my all time favorite word...SERENDIPITY.

ser·en·dip·i·ty/ˌserənˈdipitē/Noun: The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way: "a fortunate stroke of serendipity".

Now I hate to sound whiny, needy or ungrateful. I'm actually quite lucky, VERY lucky...and incredibly blessed. I have been blessed to have LOTS of "happy accidents" throughout my 34 years here on earth.

Exhibit A: My entire career to this point has been a "happy accident". In a former life while engaged, I was calling venues about possibly hosting our upcoming wedding reception at various locations and one gentleman at one of the venues actually took time to ask me what I wanted to do when I graduated from college...I thought about it for 2 seconds and said, "I think I'd like to have your job". From that point, he gave me a few tips about how to get started and within less than a year, I found myself as the Director of Catering for a local country club (with hardly any experience, mind you - that is unheard of in our industry) so to just happen into a position like this was....SERENDIPITY. (That engagement didn't pan out, by the way...another example of serendipity...but that's another story for later)

Exhibit B: On a whim, I decided to audition for the the cheerleading/dance team for an NFL team. Now I NEVER would have described myself as the prototypical NFL cheerleader...I was never a cheerleader in school, but I did spend 20 years of my life in dance training. Still, the usual course of negative self talk went through my mind, but I was determined to at least try...I didn't want to be 90 years old and say, "I wonder what would have happened if I had just tried?" Well wonder of wonders, I was one of only 3 NEW girls to make the team...3...what the heck! This little fair skinned, red head with freckles on her nose was an NFL cheerleader...are you kidding me? Serendipity strikes again. And a trip to the Superbowl, the Pro Bowl, some of the best friends I could ever ask for (from all over the country) and countless memories (and photos) later, I still look back and in the world did THAT happen to me???

And finally and probably most importantly, one June night in 2002 as I was simultaneously coordinating a Bar Mitzvah, a Birthday/Pool Party and a Wedding Reception while helping to oversee the Club Grill, this "hot Italian guy" who was a member at the country club I was working for asked me out, and the rest as they say is history. Sure there were ups and downs along the way but there was something there that just wouldn't let go..."the development of events by chance in a happy and beneficial way" courtship with and now marriage to the Hot Italian can only be described as serendipity.

So that brings us to now...nearly 9 years after that original first date, almost 6 years from our wedding day and nearly 2 years from the day that we agreed that we were ready to "try" to start a family.

I just assumed that this "trying" would be brief (and fun)...little did I know that we were headed down a path filled with surgeries, procedures, ultrasounds, "deposits", pills, needles and worst of all....the dreaded TWO WEEK WAIT. Ugh, the two week wait. I miss the days where I counted my time by the weddings that I had on the books each weekend, by cheerleading practice, football games and appearances. Now, I count my time based on 28 day cycles, countless doctor's appointments, medications, trigger shots, IUI cycles and worst of all that stupid 2 week wait...2 weeks at the end of every 28 day cycle where I'm afraid to do anything. Afraid to run and exercise because what if I have a little weak embryo just desperately trying to "latch on"....afraid to have a glass of wine with friends or my husband because IF my least favorite relative Aunt Flo happens to show up on day 28 I won't be able to stop from asking myself, "what if it's because of that glass of wine that I had last week?"...afraid to stress out, because all of the doctors and experts keep telling us how important it is to remain calm and stress free...hello????? Have you met me??? Do you know what I DO for a living? I stress out about every miniscule detail of the most important events of people's lives so that they don't have to!!!! Stressing out is my livelihood. But finally, afraid to talk to anyone about it because if you don't know me, I'm a pretty stubborn and PRIVATE person. I don't like to make anyone feel like I'm seeking pity, I honestly do not want anyone to feel sorry for why am I going "public" with this now? If I don't want pity why am I sharing my story?

I honestly don't totally know why.

I've prayed about it...A LOT and I keep hearing this soft voice telling me to share what we're going through...maybe someone else will read it and say, "hey, that's my story too". The one thing that I have learned through this "process" is that I am NOT alone...nearly every time that I have opened up and shared what we're going through I've learned that either the person that I'm talking to or someone near and dear to their heart is or has gone through many of the same things.

We're not alone my fellow infertile myrtles! And there ARE happy endings...happy endings come in various forms - through mild fertility drugs, IUI, more invasive IVF or even adoption. Some even come to find peace with a future without children to raise. So I'm on the search for our fortunate stroke of serendipity - our happy accident that will bring peace to my heart and mind.


  1. I love you! Even though we are miles apart and don't get to see or talk to each other as often as we'd like, you are always in my prayers, sweetie! XOXO!

  2. Kelly, you just made me laugh and cry at the same time while reading this! I will pray for you along with four other friends of mine who are going through VERY similar experiences (though one just found out she's preggers with twins!) Keep that positive attitude and sense of humor going, girl. And I'm looking forward to the day I read BFP!!!