Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Rough morning

So today got off to a rough start. When Nicolette woke up this morning I went to go squeeze her and hug her and of course saw more little hairs on the pillow case. My anxiety started to rise. Her hair was a mess so I started combing it GENTLY (I'm always so gentle with the comb now out of fear of pulling hair out of her head) and I could not believe how much hair was coming out. I had to just stop combing even though her hair was a crazy mess and turn away from her quickly to dry the tears that were starting to quickly puddle in my eyes. I asked her to go pick out a dress and told her we were going to go take a bath and wash her hair in mommy's tub downstairs. We had done an oil treatment last night so needed to wash the oils out and Walker was still asleep so I didn't want to bother him by running the bath right next to his room. Washing Nicolette's sweet hair gently seemed to calm me down and if more hair fell out I couldn't see it in the tub so I started to settle myself a little bit. Maybe this sudden shedding is just the old making way for new beautiful, healthy strands...that's my hope and prayer anyway.

After breakfast we hopped in the car to head to my weekly Bible study. I am so, so SO thankful for this amazing group. We're tackling a study on humility right now and Lord have mercy is this speaking to me. (sidenote, if you're in the Charlotte area and are looking for a women's bible study group this is a great one to join. I can share more info with you...we'll be wrapping up in a few weeks but then start back again in August).

Anyway at the end of the study our leader always opens the floor for prayer requests and I felt like I needed to speak up to share and ask for prayers, not only for Nicolette but for myself for some peace regarding this issue and also for the Italian. I have a hard time talking about this with him because I know that the fear of the possibility hurts his heart so much so I just try to pretend like it's all ok and keep my anxiety to myself. Probably not the healthiest way to carry on but it's just what I do. Well, about a grand total of 3 words into my prayer request the waterworks started. This is so hard to talk about without crying and it's all just anxiety and worry. I am so frustrated with myself for acting and feeling like this is already confirmed. I can say all day long that I refuse to let this steal my joy but gosh darn it if I haven't already let it steal my joy...for days now. And I'm ticked about that.

Need. To. Snap. Out. Of. It...NOW!!!!

One thing that one of the women in our study said was in relation to Stephen and how in the midst of being stoned to death it was as if he was so full of the Holy Spirit that he wasn't even feeling the pain of the stones. He could only focus on seeing Jesus and asking for forgiveness for those who were literally killing him. She said that many times we can become so consumed with our circumstances that we aren't able to see Jesus. In that case the opposite must also be true that it is possible to be so consumed with Jesus that we aren't aware of our circumstances. OUCH. I've definitely been focusing 95% of my time and energy on my circumstances and maybe 5% on my daily devotions, lessons and prayer time. Talk about conviction and a reality check. Need to turn that around STAT.

I'm trying to snap out of this "woe is me" nonsense and focus on gratitude for all that we have. A year ago I would have loved for Nicolette to have as much hair as she has now, so thank you God for that gift! I have TWO amazing, spirited, beautiful, HEALTHY children. I'm blessed to spend almost all of their waking hours with them. I've kissed their faces and tucked them into bed almost every single night of their lives. There was a point in time where I thought we may never have any children and now we have TWO. And they're incredible. Even better than I had dreamed up when I was praying for a baby so many years ago. Gosh they make my heart swell. Neither of them came about the way that I thought they would. They both arrived in God's perfect time and I have to believe that the solution for this "issue" will also arrive in God's time.

And I am SO thankful for the slew of friends and family who have reached out by phone, text, email, Facebook, etc. to offer support and encouragement. It REALLY means more to me than you all will ever truly know. Time is a precious gift and none of us have enough of it so for those who spent a couple of minutes of their precious time on me, it certainly did not go unnoticed or unappreciated. And I'm really grateful that I wasn't judged as I feared that I may be for voicing my honest fears and anxieties about this. I know that we could be facing much bigger obstacles and trust me I don't want to  compare this in the least with anyone else's trials as I know that things could be so so so much worse. I am truly grateful for the health of my family and pray for the health of all of my friends and their families as well. For those who are experiencing very scary, life threatening issues I say a special prayer for healing and protection. Even if we haven't spoken in 20 years, I pray for the health and healing of you and your family.

We have Nicolette's bloodwork appointment on Friday. I'm going to ask to make sure that they run tests for total iron including hematocrit, tranferritin saturation and ferretin, thyroid function, Immunoglobulins and testing for Celiac as apparently all have been linked to hair loss and/or delayed hair growth. I've never had to ask a doctor for specific tests and I don't like to come across as if I know more than any doctor but I need to be an advocate for my girl and for my own peace of mind I need to know that the things that I've read about that can play a role in this are all tested for and ruled out. Hoping that they're receptive and don't look at me like I'm a total nut job. I have no idea how long it will take to get results. From what I'm reading if it is a nutritional deficiency like Iron then iron supplementation may help. If there is a thyroid issue then we would probably be referred to an endocrinologist and if celiac shows up then we'll obviously have to make some serious dietary changes. If nothing shows up some recommend eliminating gluten anyway as many of us are actually sensitive to gluten (not allergic, but sensitive) and that sensitivity and inflammation can present itself in many ways. And it's also been suggested to ask about malabsorption which may require a stool sample to test properly. We'll see. I'm trying to hold off on looking into pediatric dermatologists until I know that that is definitely a route that we need to pursue but may just ask the pediatrician if she has some that she would recommend who may have had experience with situations like ours.

In the midst of all this I don't want anyone to think that I've forgotten about my sweet little baby boy. I am amazed by our little guy Walker. He's such a character and full of spirit and personality. He's talking in some complete sentences now so we can have little conversations and I love it. He is so proud of himself when I understand him and we can chat back and forth. He absolutely loves to be given a job or task to do. Putting things in the trash when I ask him or dirty clothes in the laundry basket or getting his shoes out or putting them away are some of his favorites. He is SUPER opinionated though and has a flair for the dramatic. Pretty much any time he doesn't get his way he will toss himself to the ground and wail. He's heavy, he's stocky and he's STRONG so sometimes picking him up when he's pitching said fit can be challenging to say the least. His eye teeth have just broken through this week...all 4 of them! I'm trying to savor the last moments of his sweet gaping smile as I know it will be forever gone before I know it. The boy is OBSESSED with cars, trucks and tractors and with balls. Daddy bought a new tractor last week and his new favorite thing is going into the garage to look at it and climb up and sit on it. He is definitely an outdoorsman and would play outside 24 hours a day if I would let him. This usually leads to another opportunity for one of Walker's aforementioned "fits". These tantrums occur pretty much anytime I try to make him come inside or get off the tractor, or get in his carseat (because if we go into the garage he assumes that we're surely going to play outside and is always royally ticked when he finds out that we're just going to get in the carseat), or try to help him buckle his car seat or high chair strap, or stop playing with a toy to sit down for dinner, or stay out of daddy's office while he's working, there are plenty of opportunities for him to practice his tantrum throwing skills. Thankfully they're short lived and usually subside in less than a minute. After months and months of fearing that he would surely grow up illiterate because the child REFUSED to sit and let us read more than 1 page of a book to him he has turned into quite the bookworm. Requesting 8, 9 or 10 books at night before bed and sitting in my lap for 20-30 minutes at a time to read the same books over and over again. He loves golf and watching for the golfers from our windows. He'll shout "GOLF" whenever he sees one. He also loves basketball and when it's on TV he shouts "Shoot! Shoot!" He's not much of a snuggler, (sadly never has been) so when he walks up to me and holds his little arms up, I drop whatever I'm doing and pick him up and squeeze him and love on him. It usually only lasts for a few seconds and then he's squirming and wiggling and ready to check something else out. He is such a handsome little guy and I just hope that I can make sure he knows every second of every day how much he is loved. Nicolette is really amazing with him and I can tell that he absolutely adores her. He has to play "husband" all the time and the sweet kid just goes along with it, holding her hand following wherever she leads him. If I ever go in to get him in the mornings or from nap and Nicolette isn't up yet or isn't with me he immediately calls out for her. He wants her around all the time. Such a sweet little bond they're developing and I hope it only gets better and better.

"Rejoice in HOPE, be PATIENT in tribulations, be CONSTANT in PRAYER" Romans 12:12

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