Thursday, September 22, 2011

Princess of Darkness

So I'm generally a happy person. I wouldn't say perky, but definitely a glass half full kind of gal. Sometimes I think I live in my own fairy tale world where there are no "bad guys", unicorns do exist and every good little girl gets her happy ending. I have a unique ability to live in denial at times, ignoring the fact that there are bad people in the world or that bad things happen to good people. The Italian says that I remind him of Princess Giselle from the movie "Enchanted", not only the red hair (totally awesome at the age of 34 to finally have a red headed heroine to look up to other than Ariel in "The Little Mermaid"), but her incessant, and almost annoying sense of optimism and that deep down all is working out for GOOD. I can see how this gets annoying, and I recognize it WHILE it's happening....for example....the Italian's had a bad day, boss is giving him a hard time (old, old job....he liked his last boss and likes his current boss now too), any way he'll just want to vent and complain and I can't take it. As he's complaining about said boss ( insert friend, family member, whatever), I jump into defending the person that he's complaining about because I refuse to believe that anyone is deliberately trying to be an A-hole....surely he/she has SOMETHING going on in his/her life that is causing him/her to act out, talk down or whatever the problem is. Now this drives him absolutely BONKERS! And I totally get it, he wants someone to have sympathy or empathy and I do, but I don't want to think anything bad about the other person, so I spend more time psychoanalyzing the antagonist than I do actually listening to what he's saying. I find myself doing the same thing with my employees at work...whenever something is bad or going wrong the "Annie" in me comes out and I do everything short of bursting into a stellar rendition of "The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow" to help justify whatever the situation is. (hey there's another redhead to look up to, but I don't think she counts cause of the 'fro...I could definitely never pull of that look) Lately however my Miss Mary Sunshine personality has been introduced to a creepy alter ego which I'm affectionately calling "THE PRINCESS OF DARKNESS" (PoD). As hard as I try to keep my chin up, not obsess and not overanalyze the what, how, where and why's of this journey, the Princess just keeps sticking her long, pointy nose all up in my business and filling my head with all of these doubts, questions and self defeating I don't want to brush over this lightly because there is some pretty heavy (and scary) stuff residing in the Princess's warped mind (I'll save that for later), but recently all she wants to talk about is "Why me? I must have down some (or lots of) REALLY bad things for God to punish me this way.". She's even bold enough to say, "You know this IVF stuff isn't going to're going to spend all of this time, energy and money and still walk away with nothing, so you might as well get used to it, don't waste your emotions on getting excited about it because it isn't going to work.". And another beauty, "your husband probably regrets marrying a defect like you.". (he assures me this isn't true, but the PoD sure does have a loud voice) Now the good princess Giselle/Ariel/Annie in my knows that God doesn't "punish" his followers that way....he doesn't even punish non believers that way. There is a master plan out there that he has designed especially for me, but this Princess of Darkness seems to be speaking louder and louder everyday. I hate her and the thing that angers me the most is that she's always been there inside of me ready to poke her ugly little head out when things aren't going my way...and sometimes even when they are. Ugh...PoD go are a PoS! Okay enough of all of that time to throw on my tiara, hop on my unicorn and get back to my real life which is least perfect for me because I'm exactly where God wants me to be today.


  1. Thanks for stopping by my blog! :)

    FWIW, it took us just over two years as well, and now we have two babies on the way. Most of the first year and a half was us trying on our own, then several rounds of Clomid with IUI, and then injectables, which did the trick. So maybe you're just waiting on that one thing to "click." I hope it happens soon <3

  2. Thanks so much for the comment! I LOVE hearing success stories! They help to reinforce my beliefs that this can and WILL work! Best wishes to you for a wonderful pregnancy and safe delivery!!!!

  3. Kelly your honesty is so real! The bravery it takes to share what so many of us face is appreciated and awe-inspiring! Thank you for gracing us with your words! God is using you!

  4. I definitely know what you mean about analyzing things for DH...I'm a therapist, and he's had to tell me before that he needs me to act like a wife and not a therapist. I'm not optimistic, though...I tend to be pretty PoD-ey all the time.

  5. Well the fact that PoD catches up sometimes, is just the frustrations that you are experiencing with the IF business. We must really all have a little fairy tale in our lives and minds, and it is those unicorns that make life livable.

    I hope eventually, you will kick the PoD in the shins....have a baby or two and live happily every after!

    iclw #39