God speaks....

For those who don't feel like God speaks to them I have to say that I used to feel the same way (heck, sometimes I still do). But I'm learning (slowly) that whenever I feel this way it is almost always because I'm doing my own thing...not reading His word regularly, being more focused on Facebook, or the kids' schedule or planning meals or grocery lists or running errands than I am with spending some time in God's word. When I'm just letting life happen like this and then happen to open the Bible or read a devotion sometimes it just feels/felt like I am/was reading a foreign language or just completing a task or chore for the day. 

Last night I begged God for peace and calm. Instead of watching tv before bed, doing tons of research or wasting hours on Facebook, I opened my Bible, read a little (not a lot...I didn't spend hours on it), wrote in my prayer journal and then laid down and turned off the lights.  And for the first night in weeks I was able to get more than 3-4 hours of sleep. I've been waking up several times a night for the past few weeks and would be up for hours at a time, unable to go back to sleep. Hashing through not only this hair issue that we're dealing with right now but all the things I did wrong or could have done better or spoken more gently or acted with more kindness. Am I feeding the kids the right diet? Why did I snap when she wouldn't get in her car seat? Why did I feel like I needed to nag the Italian about whatever? etc, etc, etc...So the 7 hours of sleep I got last night was a game changer for sure. 

After I got up this morning, I opened my Jesus Calling devotional to today's date and felt like God had written it himself just for me. This is not the first time I've felt this way. Several times a week I wonder how in the world He knew that I would need to read this on this particular day. 

I scribble all over my book and purposely chose the version withOUT the scriptures written in it so that I  have to look them up in my own Bible. I then write them in my book because I personally learn better by writing than by reading. My mind wanders when I read but when I write it down I'm much more focused. 

Some things that it said today that really struck me were: 

"Sometimes My blessings come to you in mysterious ways: through pain and trouble. At such times you can know My goodness only though your trust in Me. Understanding will fail you, but trust will keep you close to Me. 

Thank Me for the gift of My Peace, a gift of such immense proportions that you cannot fathom its depth or breadth. When I appeared to My disciples after the resurrection, it was Peace that I communicated first of all. I knew this was their deepest need: to calm their fears and clear their minds. I also speak Peace to you, for I know your anxious thoughts.... 

...I designed you to dwell in Peace all day, every day. Draw near to Me: receive my Peace."

What the what??? Was this a gift from God or what? I had to smile as soon as I read it. He speaks when I am ready and AVAILABLE to listen. He is God, not a fairy with a magic wand. His desire is for us to WANT to draw near to Him and when we do amazing things happen. 

******

As a sidenote regarding Nicolette, her silk pillowcase (I call it her princess pillowcase) came in yesterday and she slept on it for the first time last night. I anxiously went to get her out of bed this morning and not a single lost hair on it! HALLELUJAH!!!! After several days of seeing so much hair on the pillowcase that sweet gift of not seeing any shed hair was a huge relief to this worried mama. Thank you God for that! 

Sigh...not sure where to start

I don't know why I feel compelled to write about this. I mean it's been over a year since I've even touched this "blog". Life with two littles and several part time jobs has kept me busier than I would ever have imagined but lately my mind has been preoccupied way too much by one thing...Nicolette's dang hair (or lack thereof). I REALLY struggle with writing this. On one hand it feels so superficial to worry about. I have friends who have lost children to cancer, or have children fighting cancer or have children with life threatening allergies. I mean this should NOT be a big deal, but it is. It hurts my heart.

A few months ago after making a comment about Nicolette's sloooow growing hair, a friend mentioned the name of a condition to me called Short Anagen Syndrome. I had previously read about Loose Anagen Syndrome which is a little more common in which case children's hair grows sparsely but falls out easily with no pain. You perform a simple pull test and see how many hairs are lost. Nicolette never had any hairs lost so I knew that LAS didn't seem to be her issue.

Short Anagen Syndrome (SAS), however is a much rarer condition in which a child's hair only grows to a short length and then falls out and new hair regrows. The anagen phase (or growth phase) of hair growth is very short, so the hair never gets to a long length. I looked around at photos of other children with the condition and many of them had hair similar to Nicolette's so I of course grew concerned. This condition is so rare that it is difficult to find a pediatrician or pediatric dermatologist who can properly diagnose the condition and from my reading there really is no line of treatment and little to no chance of improvement throughout their lives so I wasn't sure whether or not pushing for a diagnosis was necessary. After a minor (ok, massive) break down at my weekly Bible Study, I suddenly felt some sense of peace and decided to relax and pursue some natural treatments to see if we saw any progress.

I started Nicolette on a multi vitamin with Biotin, a hair serum made with essential oils, a special shampoo and conditioner and daily scalp massages.  I took "before" pictures of her sweet head and hair and have thoroughly enjoyed our sweet time with her laying in my lap while I play with her hair and her head. I felt like we had seen some improvement, even last month we were walking outside and Nicolette was giggling and laughing saying that she could feel the wind her in hair. It was the first time she'd ever had enough hair to feel that sensation and it made my heart happy watching her giggle about it, so proud of her "long hair". Then that all started to change a couple of weeks ago.

A few weeks ago I noticed while combing her hair after her bath that there were several small hairs in her comb. After a week or so I switched from a fine toothed comb to a wide toothed comb and saw less hair but still would see hairs in the comb. Then this morning while making her bed I noticed several little hairs on her pillow case. Something I had never noticed before. I had read about this from several of the LAS mothers. Many of them even buy silk pillow cases for their daughters to help reduce the friction and late night hair loss and breakage (so guess what I ordered from amazon today?).

Throughout the day today, Nicolette spent most of the day sitting in my lap. Poor thing is having a time with this darn Carolina pollen and is struggling with seasonal allergies so has been more clingy than usual (which is secretly fine with me). As I was running my fingers through her hair I noticed that MANY hairs were EASILY falling out with each stroke. I looked at my shirt and there were little hairs of hers all over where her head had been. My pulse started to race and tears began to well up in my eyes. My little girl has so little hair, how in the world could this all be falling out in my very hands?

I called our pediatrician to request bloodwork. There are some nutritional deficiencies that can lead to hair loss or slow or delayed hair growth so I feel like we should at least get a full panel run to ensure that she doesn't have an iron deficiency or a thyroid issue or something else that we're not aware of. We have an appointment on Friday morning for that.

I wanted to give her little head a week long rest from everything - oils, massaging, shampooing, conditioning, combing...but we played outside today and I had to shampoo and condition her hair to rinse that nasty pollen out. Fortunately there were only a few little hairs that came out while combing tonight which helped to ease a little of my anxiety.

Let me say this, I think Nicolette is one of the most beautiful children I have ever seen in my life (with or without hair). And with her sweet little "do" she looks like a preciously, perfect little pixie which matches her sweet personality. But to hear her ask DAILY when her hair will be as long as Rapunzel's, when she can have a ponytail or a bun like mine, etc., it just breaks my heart and makes me sad. Then I hear other mother's of older children who do have one or both of these diagnosed conditions talking about other little girls not wanting to be friends with their daughters because they "look like boys" because of their short hair in kindergarten and 1st grade or making fun of them in dance classes because they can't wear a ponytail or bun or even worse bullying them in middle and early high school it is SO HARD not to go there mentally and start to worry about and fear something that hasn't even happened for us yet.

This could be nothing, her hair could just be slow growing, maybe this weird recent hair loss is no big deal, maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but I will pray for God to know my anxious thoughts about this so that I don't have to rehash them and dwell on them every hour of every day. This issue has occupied so much mental space in my brain these past few months and I need to find a way to let that go.

The Bible tells us over and over again DO NOT WORRY, FEAR NOT. There are over 365 references in the Bible commanding us not to be afraid, anxious or worried. Worry therefore is a sin and one that I am guilty of daily (ok, hourly.....ok, maybe each minute). I promise I'm working on this, God! Meditating on verse after verse to help bring me back to God, to remind me to live in the moment, appreciate the amazing, beautiful life that I have been given and to trust that he loves my sweet girl even more than I do. So God, I give this child to you. You created her and gave her to me and I admit that I have NO control in this situation and just trust the outcome to you in your timing. You have answered my every prayer and I know you will do the same again. Just help me to have the patience, faith and hope for the outcome. Forgive me for my doubt and distrust of you and please free up this mental space so that I can think of and serve others. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Nicolette age 22 months asking for ponytails. 

November 2015

March 19, 2016

Like I said when I started, I'm not exactly sure why I decided to write and share this. Maybe it's because when I wrote and shared about our struggle with infertility that it finally allowed me to let those feelings out and I could then talk about it without crying all the time from trying to hold it in. Maybe it's because even today I have strangers reach out to me letting me know that they've read about our struggles and how it helped them to find answers or to feel less alone. I don't know. But I feel better having spilled it all here.



Verses for me to remember:

"Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made know to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus"
Phillipians 4:6-7

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these..."
Matthew 6:25 -34

"Cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you"
I Peter 5:7

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble"
Matthew 6:34

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him because he cares for you"
I Peter 5:6-7

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."
John 14:27

"For nothing will be impossible with God"
Luke 1:37

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you..."
Psalm 55:22

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me."
John 14:1

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid."
Psalm 56:3-4

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."
Romans 15:13

"When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul"
Psalm 94:19

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen"
Hebrews 11:1

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you."
Isaiah 26:3

"He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"
Romans 8:32

"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."
Romans 8:25

2

2…it may not seem like a monumental number to most but in 2 weeks my sweet girl will be 2 years old. And in less than 2 months I'll have 2 babies to love on, care for and worry about/obsess over.

First, let's start with little Nicolette turning 2. 

This hardly seems possible or even fair. The past year has gone by at least twice as quickly as her first year. Every day she is learning more, talking more and making me laugh more. She is such a treasure and really is such a sweet, sweet child. She's an absolute sponge…soaking in EVERYTHING that everyone around her says and does (so please watch your language if you're spending any time around Nicolette)!

The Italian marvels at the fact that she and I can sit at the dinner table and talk back and forth for a good 30-45 minutes. She is my best little buddy.

I can't bring myself to correct her when she walks up to me with her arms up and says, "Mommy? Hold you?" My heart will ache when she says it correctly and will very likely break when she no longer asks me to hold her at all. She loves to curl up in my lap and say, "Mommy, make me cozy?" which means she wants me to cradle her and hold her like a little baby. She'll do the same thing with her dollies and either ask me to make them cozy or cradle them in her little arms herself and beam with pride as she boasts about how she's making her baby cozy. She is obsessed with her baby dolls and could spend the entire day taking care of them. Sometimes she "nurses" them, sometimes feeds them bottles, changes their diapers, always careful to put diaper cream on, pushes them in her shopping cart or "strolder" (which she pronounces like I imagine a German would…she almost rolls the "s" and emphasizes the "d" in strolder"). And speaking of strollers, she still loves the stroller and has no problem hanging out in the stroller for an hour or more at dr.'s appointments or whatnot. She LOOOOOOVES shoes and loves looking at her shoe collection and picking out which shoes she's going to wear for the day. Sadly she also loves hair and hair accessories. The hair is finally coming in but not enough for ponytails and Nicolette asks for mommy to "do ponytails" almost daily…soon enough baby, soon enough.

Exhibit A - hanging out in the stroller happily while
mommy enjoys a pedicure she was given for her birthday! 

Then as soon as we got come, she wanted to
give Daddy his own pedicure!

Nursing her bunny

Obsessed with mommy's shoes

Obsessed with mommy's shoes

"Mommy do ponytails?"

She loves when I make silly faces at her, can say her first and last name and can also tell you that she turns 2 in July. She has started reciting entire pages of some of her favorite books. Her favorite book right now is an old Golden Book from the 60's titled "Little Mommy".  She'll ask to read that one and randomly recite "Billy is Daddy, he works in the city. He's got a new car, isn't it pretty?" or many of the other pages from the book in her sweet little sing song voice throughout the day. She still loves to "read" and look at books. 9 times out of 10 when I lay her down for nap or bedtime she'll look up at me and say "Book?" I'll hand her a book and she'll flip through the pages until she falls asleep. I hope her love for reading continues as she grows up!

We've made a few feeble attempts at potty training. Had a couple of instances where she asked to go peepee or poopoo on the potty and actually did it. Also had a successful afternoon in big girl underpants and then had 3 accidents in big girl underpants the next morning so I'm not sure where we stand on the potty. I want to take the time to do the intensive 3 day potty training "boot camp" but we honestly have not had 3 consecutive days at home without traveling, dr.'s appointments, mommy's meetings or classes for work or what not. Oh well, we'll get there eventually right?

Our first peepee…I have more photos but refuse to post
nudie pics on my blog. 

We spent a few days with Gram & Papa in Connecticut over Father's Day weekend. Gram was so impressed at what a good eater Nicolette was. We're still 80/90% organic with what we feed her. Right now her favorite food would probably have to be cucumbers with red wine vinegar and a little seasoning salt (this was my FAVORITE snack as a kid, teenager and even now). She'll eat a full cucumber in one sitting and ask for more. She also gobbles up wild alaskan salmon…she can eat a 6-8oz filet with no problem. She loves the oatmeal I make for her in the mornings with old fashioned oats, hemp seeds, chia seeds, ground flaxseed meal and wild organic blueberries. She's always asking for more "booblerries". Avocados are still a go to for us as well. And of course we're still nursing 2-3 times a day. I've tried to get her to drink organic, grass fed milk out of  a sippy cup and she really had no interest and would take a little sip and then hand it back to me with a look of disgust on her face and say "no…no muhlk." She does love cheese though! Don't think she's totally deprived though…she has eaten take out pizza two or three times and even had the grilled chicken bites at Chick fil A once. She's only had cake once, on her first birthday but we'll have cake again this year on her birthday.

Speaking of birthdays, I had so much fun planning her 1st birthday celebration but this year I was really torn over what to do. I finally decided (last week) that what I'd really like more than anything is just to celebrate with our little family. I plan to bake a cake from scratch with Nicolette and we'll have her favorite dinner and just celebrate with the three of us. Simple and sweet. Part of me still wants to have "a party" but I think this will be a better memory for our family. I know she probably won't remember it, but I always will.

And now it's Baby Walker's turn

In less than 2 months, we'll be a family of 4 and I can hardly believe it! This pregnancy dragged on in the beginning. When I was so nauseous it felt like summer would never get here but now everything is in fast forward. My second trimester was very similar to my second trimester with Nicolette but the third trimester is definitely more exhausting this time around. I'm sure that's because I'm chasing a very active nearly two year old for most of my waking hours. Carrying Nicolette around and bending down and picking her up and putting her down is definitely harder on my body than my old job. I've been having tons of Braxton Hicks contractions which I really didn't have with Nicolette but my OB assured me that this is normal, especially for a second pregnancy. He just keeps reminding me to rest while I can and not do too much. Ha! Easy for him to say…he's never experienced the "nesting" instinct that we mommies to be go through. I'll settle down to take a bath and instead spend 4 hours cleaning our bathroom and then decide to spend the next 2 days totally reorganizing the bathroom and linen closet. Go to the kitchen for a snack and spend 4-5 hours emptying all cabinets, drawers and both pantries and deep cleaning and reorganizing the kitchen. Sit down to watch tv and spend hours painting and upholstering Nicolette's tiny table and chairs that go in her playroom. I'm a crazy person. And yet Walker's room is at a stand still.

The Italian spent a weekend priming and painting the room and is insisting on installing crown moulding but that isn't up yet. He's been traveling a LOT for work including some international travel so finding time to complete this is a challenge. AND we're having all of the carpet replaced in our house at the end of the month so we have to work around that too. Poor Walker's dresser and crib are still boxed up in our foyer…no sense getting them out until the new carpet is in. And I've got some really cool vintage golf artwork that's just chilling in the hallway…can't really decide where to hang them until the furniture is in and we've already established that that isn't happening anytime soon, soooooo….just twiddling my thumbs on this project.

Since I can't "nest" in the nursery I started focusing on the playroom. I've started making cornice boards for the windows (a super cheap and easy DIY project) and painted her table and chairs and padded and upholstered the seat cushions. Got some cheap, bright throw pillows for the sofa and am hoping to have enough fabric left over from the cornice boards and upholstery project to be able to make a couple of throw pillows for the sofa. We'll eventually paint the playroom…probably a neutral/tan color. Nicolette's play kitchen is up there and it is red so I wanted to find something fun but not to girly to go with the red kitchen. Hopefully this will all look nice once it's all finished (if that ever happens).

Table & Chairs "Before"

Table & Chairs "After" - I think I'm going to stencil the top
with some sort of pattern

First cornice board - don't have the hardware to hang it yet

PILLOWS!

I don't remember feeling tired as easily when I was pregnant with Nicolette. I get worn out so quickly now with Walker. And not in a "I want to take a nap" sort of way. More of a "I feel like I just did 20 burpees or mountain climbers and now I can't breath and need to sit down ASAP" kind of way. Speaking of burpees and mountain climbers I have only worked out a couple of times during this pregnancy and now that I'm getting the "I'm going to black out and faint if I don't sit down every 15 minutes" feeling I'm afraid to even try. Sometimes I feel like we can go for a walk without fear of me fainting in the middle of the street but not very often. It was scary enough when it was just me while I was pregnant with Nicolette but now that I have her with me and I'm pregnant and could easily black out in the middle of our neighborhood I think I'll pass on the walks (unless we have friends with us).

I had a lengthy prenatal consult with my lactation consultant yesterday and I think we have a good plan moving forward to help breastfeeding with Walker get off to a better start than we did with Nicolette…fingers crossed and lots of prayers that I don't have to go through the rigorous schedule (see here) that I kept up for the early months with Nicolette.

Today I scheduled all of my remaining prenatal OB appointments, pre-registered at the hospital and registered Nicolette for a "sibling class" at the hospital for next month. We had a good OB appointment this morning, he was super active so the nurse had to chase him around with the monitor but his heartbeat was strong at 154 bpm. (My blood pressure is still on the low side at 90/54). I also moved the pack n play and glider into our room so that when Nicolette sees everything we can talk about where Walker is going to sleep and how things are going to change in a couple of months. She already knows where his room is and talks about it a lot. She also knows that Walker is in mommy's tummy, that she's going to be a big sister and that her brother's name is Walker. Nicolette and I went shopping today and picked out a special gift for her to bring to the hospital to give to Walker when he gets here. It's a little puppy dog lovie with his name embroidered on it. She loved carrying it around the store and seemed to understand when I told her that it was a present for her to give to her brother.

Walker is craving many of the same foods that I craved with Nicolette at this point…lots of salad and TONS OF FRUIT! Berries are my obsession…especially raspberries, but pretty much all fruit is fair game at this point…watermelon, mangos, grapes, berries, apples and I'm addicted to lemonade mixed with sparkling water to make it nice a fizzy.

Overall at nearly 33 weeks pregnant I'm feeling good but also a little nervous. Nervous about being away from Nicolette for the first time ever, nervous that this labor and delivery will likely be entirely different than my first so not knowing what to expect, nervous that I'll go to the hospital too early or even worse wait until it's too late (since last time I delivered 40 minutes after checking in I can't say that I'm the best at gauging how far along I am into my labor), nervous that Nicolette will feel neglected once Walker does arrive, nervous, nervous, nervous. But also excited. I can't wait to meet this little guy and have another baby to snuggle and love. And definitely excited about watching Nicolette love him too! We are truly, truly blessed and I thank God daily for trusting not one but two precious babies to our care. He has more faith in me than I have in myself.

My 2ww

2ww normally stands for the dreaded 2 week wait - the time lapse between ovulation and either a positive pregnancy test or Aunt Flo's cursed arrival.  This 2 week wait is different, my 2ww was a 2 week walk with Jesus.  I picked a scripture to meditate on each day.  That Bible is full of meaningful and inspirational messages.  If you're not into it, you're definitely missing out.  I highly recommend spending time daily in God's word!!!   And need to be more disciplined with doing so myself, even when I'm not begging for a blessing from God.


So here is my 2 week walk, scripture by scripture....


Day #1 (Transfer Day)
"Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus."  Phillipians 4:6-7


Day #2
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."  Hebrews 10:23


Day #3
"If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."  Matthew 21:22


Day #4
"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven."  Ecclesiastes 3:1
*shared with me by a friend - perfectly suited for that day!


Day #5
"Again I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.  For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them."  Matthew 18:19


Day #6
"And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.  You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it."  John 14:13-14


Day #7
‎"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11


Day #8
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6


Day #9
“For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20
*shared with me by a friend - perfectly suited for that day!


Day #10
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13


Day #11
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will grant you the desires of your heart."  Psalm 37:4


Day #12 (Test Day)
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit--fruit that will last.  Then the father will give you whatever you ask in my name."  John 15:16


So now we're at the end of our 2ww and Praise the Lord the news thus far is positive.  I hesitated as to whether or not share the news as I know what a delicate time this is, but I have been so thankful for all of the love, support and prayers that we've received from you all that it didn't seem complete without sharing the happy news with all of you who have been kind enough to share your prayers with us.  So please know that we are optimistic and committed to celebrating each and every victory.  We have a long ways to go, but are so happy for the gift that has been given to us at this moment.  Praying that this early, early, early pregnancy will continue successfully over the next 8 months (God willing)!  


Love and blessings to you all!    

The B!T©H is Back!

That's right - Aunt Flo arrived....EARLY....TODAY. What the heck??????? Ugh! Woke up feeling all "pre-Aunt Flowy" and sure enough...she settled in comfortably this afternoon.

The "F" in BFN does NOT stand for Big FAT Negative this month if you catch my drift. For those who know me well, they know that's about as close to a curse word they'll probably hear out of my mouth or off my keyboard.

So what do I do? Being the practical gal that I am, I get on the phone like a good patient to call Dr. Katz and report "Cycle Day 1" - as I'm going through my name, my chart number, my phone number, etc. my voice starts to crack and by the time I'm telling them WHY I'm calling in I can hardly speak. I got through the phone call and then sobbed like a baby (I mean uncontrollable, out loud "ugly crying") for 10 minutes and then all of the sudden it stopped.

The tears just stopped.

The shaky breath....stopped,

the quivering lip...stopped.

All I could hear was God's voice in my ear saying that it's for the best. My body is doing it's job. If it were time for a beautiful, HEALTHY baby - this wouldn't be happening the way it is right now.

So I straightened my dress, put on some lipstick and headed back to work to finish the day at my job that God has blessed me with so that I can drive home in the car that God blessed me with to the beautiful home that God blessed us with.

It's so easy to get caught up in the "why me's"...now I'm starting to ask, "Why NOT me???" What makes me think that I'm any better than anyone else? Why should my road be easier than anyone else's? There are certainly people dealing with much more difficult and dire circumstances than this, so for today I am grateful that perhaps God protected me from something that may potentially have been disastrous and devastating.

I will not worry about anything, instead praying about everything. Telling God what I need and being THANKFUL for all that He has done!!!! (Phillipians 4:6 paraphrased by yours truly - for those who don't read the Bible...you should check it out, there's an answer in there for everything you need).

We're headed back to the Dr. Sunday morning for Day 3 bloodwork and ultrasounds (yup the yucky ultrasound) - then back to meds, shots, more shots and our final IUI attempt...I'm not thinking any further past that.... "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

See? Told you! An answer for everything in The Good Book :)