Wednesday...and then some

So Wednesday is THE DAY. Our retrieval is scheduled for 10am Wednesday morning. I can hardly believe that it's here (almost). Things have been going incredibly well...positive reports from the docs at all of my monitoring visits and now we just have to pray that the retrieval, fertilization and transfer go just as smoothly, if not even moreso. After the retrieval, the embryologist will fertilize the eggs through a process called ICSI. After that, we'll get daily updates regarding the number and "grading" of all viable embryos. Then somewhere between 3 and 5 days they'll transfer up to 2 embryos (God willing that we have two beautiful, healthy embryos). Then we once again have the dreaded 2ww - two weeks of WAITING = pure agony.

I'm so thankful that things have gone so well up until this point...I feel almost guilty for praying for things to continue going this well...I've been so blessed already, I feel like I'm always asking God for "just a little but more.". Sometimes when I say my prayers at night I feel like a little girl praying for a barbie doll or a pony (or the Easy Bake Oven I NEVER got for Christmas)...I hope it doesn't come across that way to God...

37 hours (not that I'm keeping track).

Looking good!

This will be a short post - I'm actually super tired from all of the meds and have tons of work to catch up on. 

I've been on stimulation meds for 5 days now and had my first monitoring ultra sound and blood work this morning.  During the ultrasound the doc kept telling me how "great" everything looks.  Said I'm in the "golden range" of where I need to be at this point in time.  Hooray!  Later today I heard from my IVF nurse and she said that my bloodwork looked very good as well, so I add another shot to my regimine tonight (3 tonight, 1 tomorrow morning, 2 tomorrow night) and then I'm back to the doc on Saturday morning for more monitoring. 

For my IVF friends out there, my E2 levels are 649 with 6 follies on the Right (14, 13, 12, 12, 11 & 10) and 5 on the Left (13, 12, 12, 11, 10) - for my non IVF friends...this is all normal and I promise I will NOT be the Octomom...not all of the follicles are guaranteed to contain eggs and once the retrieval takes place not all eggs will survive and once what's left is fertilized we may be left with only a few viable embryos for transfer.  We're praying for more than that, but will graciously accept whatever God decides to share with us!  Regardless, Reach has a policy of only transferring 2 embryos, so no octuplets here.   

They have to watch very closely because if I get overstimulated then I could wind up in the hospital and possibly have to cancel this cycle...definitely NOT the direction we want to head in.   

So far the meds aren't as bad as I have heard that they can be.  I'm super thirsty and feel like I'm drinking water nonstop but I have zero appetite and feel queasy pretty much all day and I'm exhausted.  The Italian and I took Chance for a 15-20 minute walk tonight and I was absolutely wiped out by the time we finished.  They assured me that this is all normal, so I'll deal with it.  Thankfully tomorrow is Friday and miracle of miracles I don't have to work this weekend so I plan to sleep, sleep, sleep. 

I can NOT begin to thank you all enough for the thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement you've shared with me over the past several months.  It means more to me than you will ever know!  Continued prayers are much appreciated as we may have up to another week before the retrieval is scheduled.  xoxo 

Mark 11:24 ESV

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

And so it begins

So my labs and ultrasound all looked GREAT on Friday and more importantly, the Italian was able to make it back early from his sales trip so that we could have our consent forms notarized so we are officially (and legally) ready to proceed with our IVF protocol.  Nurse Alice emailed late Friday afternoon with instructions to start injections on Sunday (i.e. TODAY), then I head back for more bloodwork and another ultrasound. 

I'm on an antagonist protocol  (In this treatment, a medication other than Lupron is used to supress the pituitary gland and prevent ovulation. This newer type of medication is called a GNRH antagonist. These medications do not have a flare effect. In fact, the supression of the pituitary gland is almost immediate. This is a big advantage since the IVF specialist can start the medication after the ovaries have been stimulated instead of a two week pre-treatment period as is seen with the Lupron. This makes the antagonist IVF protocol much shorter than the Lupron protocol.) so I start with my stimulation meds tonight.  Two injections a day until Thursday and then more monitoring.  Then there will be more meds depending on how my follies are responding.  Nurse A thinks we'll be scheduled for retrieval sometime between October 18th and 22nd.

I've been so nervous / scared / anxious / excited that I've been waking up each morning around 3am and unable to go back to sleep.  I keep thinking that I've refrigerated the wrong meds and then have to go to check them for the millionth time to confirm that I've followed the directions exactly.  So I'm just watching the clock until it's time for my injection (9pm).  Time is definitely dragging by.  I'm trying not to obsess over things (as I'm supposed to be staying calm) - however if you check my internet history, the spreadsheet that I made notating all of my lab & u/s results and medication dosages per day and/or the binder I put together with all of my infertility invoices, information, or the spreadsheet I made itemizing all of our out of pocket medicat expenses this year (over $30k!!!!) etc., you might think that I have psychotic tendencies.  Sorry folks, but that's how this nerd unwinds...I organize things.  I feel much better when everything is in it's place and it is good to know that some of this infertility nonsense will be tax deductible.

I've also been doing a lot of research on diet and how that factors into infertility and IVF success.  I'm trying to incorporate more plant based protein into my diet and making sure that I'm getting plenty of healthy fats.  I came up with a Lentil & Farro Salad recipe that I absolutely love (the Italian digs it too)...

Lentil & Farro Salad
1 c. Farro, uncooked
2 1/2 c. Cooked Lentils
16 oz. Frozen Spinach, thawed and thoroughly drained
1 Medium Onion, chopped
3 Carrots, chopped 
3 Stalks Celery, chopped
2 Cloves Garlic, minced
1 T. EVOO
Salt & Pepper, to taste
*Dressing
1/4 c. Red Wine Vinegar
1 T. Dijon Mustard
1 T. Whole Grain Mustard
3 T. EVOO
Salt & Pepper, to taste

Cook Farro in salted water according to directions (bring to boil in 2c. salted water, simmer 20-30 min).  Thaw spinach and squeeze completely dry.  Combine Farro, Lentils & thawed spinach in a large boil.  Heat 1 T EVOO over med heat and saute onions, carrots & celery until tender, add garlic and cook 1 minute, season with salt & pepper.  Add to Lentil mixture.  Combine ingredients for dressing, whisk thoroughly and pour over "salad".  Strir to combine thoroughly.  Refrigerate at least 30 min to allow dressing to marinate the ingredients.  Serve at room temperature or heat in the microwave (I'm not supposed to be eating cold foods according to Dr. Wang and Chinese Medicine - so I heat mine in the micro for 45 sec - 1 min).  It's super tasty and really, really good for you! 

If you have any recipes to share, please do so!!!!

Bon Apetit!

My Daily Hope -

Oh how I love My Daily Hope that arrives in my inbox every single day.  I cannot even BEGIN to count the number of times that Pastor Rick Warren's chosen topic for the day has spoken to me LOUDLY at that exact moment!  As I've been agonizing over the $20,600 check we just dropped, I received this little nugget this morning.  Full of reminders of God's promises and more importantly his instructions for us NOT TO WORRY.  HE is in control, not me, so I need to practice what I preach and trust in HIM (regardless of the outcome).  Read below and see if this speaks to you...

Don't Worry; Trust God by Rick Warren

Enjoy prosperity while you can. But when hard times strike, realize that both come from God. That way you will realize that nothing is certain in this life. (Ecclesiastes 7:14 NLT) You can be a hero one day and a zero the next day, a millionaire one day and bankrupt the next. No matter how much you make, no matter how much you save, finances are uncertain. So we worry. What does the Bible say about worry and money? 1. It’s unreasonable. (Matthew 6:25) You're going to have fears in life, but there are better things to be scared of than a lack of finances. Life is more than just the accumulation of things. Even if you go bankrupt, it could get worse. Worry about what’s truly important. 2. It’s unnatural. (Matthew 6:26) Jesus reminds us that animals and plants don’t worry. Birds don’t say, "I'd better build a bigger nest for retirement." Only human beings don't trust God to provide for them. Everything else in creation does. 3. It’s unnecessary. (Matthew 6:30) Financial fears come from a misunderstanding about God and what He's promised to do for you. He's assumed responsibility for your needs. He says, "I'm your Heavenly Father; I'm going to take care of your needs. You're my child." We always get into trouble when we doubt the love of God. Worry is playing God. It's assuming responsibility for something that God has said He will take care of. Paul reminds us in Philippians 4:19, “And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.” God knows what's going on in your life — and in your wallet. God knows all your needs even before you ask. He wants to help you out.

Dominoes...

Nope not the pizza (although I could go for a loaded thin n' crispy pie from Dominoe's Pizza).  I'm talking about the dominoes you played with as a kid (or an adult).  I've never played a game with them, but I did always try to set them up carefully in twisting shapes so that when you tip that first domino the chain begins and all of the dominoes tumble one after the other neatly into place.  Well that sort of describes this point in the IVF process for us.  I thought that all of our dominoes were falling neatly into place until Monday night... 

I FINALLY received my confirmation from Attain (the company that approves the partial refund program that we've selected) on Monday afternoon.  Hooray!  We're officially approved!  Then a smack in the face - within the 14 page document that they send to me it states that full paymen ($20,600) is to be received a minimum of 2 weeks prior to the start of our injectibles...WHAT THE HECK????  We're scheduled to begin injectibles THIS WEEKEND and were told that we just had to pay by Friday.  So we launch into crisis mode trying to plan out what money to move where in order to overnight the check to them in hopes that we'll be ready to move forward as planned this weekend.  Crisis #1 averted (we hope - they said to be on the lookout for an e-receipt tomorrow afternoon to confirm that we are A-OK...fingers crossed). 

Then I talk to the folks at REACH this morning and they say that we have to have our completed (and notarized) consent forms turned in by Friday.  They won't administer any instructions unless these are on file.  Well this normally wouldn't be an issue, however the Italian travels and he travels a lot.  He's out of town all week and wasn't scheduled to be back until Friday evening.  UGH - I thought this was going to be drama free...so we rearrange the Italian's travel schedule so that he can be back on Friday before 5pm in order for us to sign the paperwork and get my instructions for the weekend.  Crisis #2 averted.  I have to say although I generally really like the folks at REACH, I was a little disappointed that they didn't help to avoid this stress.  I've been emailing them weekly for the past month just to check in to make sure that I'm keeping up with all of the steps.  I could have easily had this piece taken care of weeks ago if I knew that it was going to be such a crunch. 

Did I mention that this is all happening during our busiest month of the year at work, plus I'm in the midst of a 2 week sales blitz at work on top of my normal responsibilities, plus being a "single parent" to our beloved Chance (woof) and Sasha (meow)?????  No stress, no stress, no stress. 

So short story long...within a matter of hours there were two critical points in our chain of "dominoes" when we thought the whole chain was going to stop and that we'd have to regroup, stand all the dominoes back up and start over again, but we managed to barely round the curves and push the next little domino down so that we're moving forward (apparently) with plans to begin treatment this weekend.  Fingers crossed...I can handle another crisis, but would much prefer smooth sailing at this point.  The next couple of weeks are going to be crazy enough! 

This is what $2,114 looks like

Yup - that's right.  My fertility meds arrived yesterday!  I had a moment of paranoia as I carefully read through the instructions for everything to make sure that I'm storing each at the proper temperature.  Some absolutely HAVE to be and stay refrigerated.  I'm stilll paranoid that I did it wrong, even woke up in the middle of the night to re-read the instructions and triple check myself.  So I don't do anything with these goodies until at least Friday - they just stare at me every time I open my refrigerator.  I received about 75 syringes with my package...I'm not normally afraid of needles, drawing blood or any of that stuff - I was surprised at how well I was able to handle giving myself the ovidrel and follistim injections prior to my IUIs.  However, I am pretty intimidated by these progesterone injections.  I think they start the day of the retrieval and can continue throughout the 1st trimester if necessary (some women whose bodies are not able to produce enough progesterone for whatever reason may be on progesterone injections throughout the entire pregnancy).  Progesterone is known as "the pregnancy hormone"...it is responsible for thickening and preparing the endometrium to assist with implantation and is also critical through the 1st trimester (and the rest of the pregnancy) to maintain the pregnancy.  Progesterone injections are intramuscular injections with a much bigger needle (22 guage I believe).  Most people I've spoken to who've had to do those say they are TOUGH - the oil is thick and not only is it difficul to inject, but you can easily feel it going in....ick!ick!ick!!!!!!  AAAAGHHHH!!!! 

Oh well, I'll get through it.  No sense worrying about it now, I have a couple of weeks until that one is necessary.

Oh and this pic does not include the 4 oral meds that I had to pick up from CVS yesterday...luckily those were only $16!  :)  Thank you Health Insurance for covering SOMETHING!!!! 

On to happier topics - had so much fun at a girlfriend's gender party this weekend!  They found out that they're having a boy!  I love, love, love this new Gender Party fad...I've cried at both of the ones that I've been to - it's so exciting to watch the parents to be and their families find out whether they'll be welcoming a boy or a girl to their family! :)  I made a diaper wreath for the other party I went to and I wanted to try to make something different, but it was turning out a little too girlie.  So I'm glad that I decided to make another diaper wreath for this little peanut!  I'll hold off on my other craft until it's time for a baby girl baby shower :)  I had several comments and emails asking about the diaper wreath, so I've included a couple of photos below...

I should have taken pictures WHILST making the wreath so that it makes more sense.  Basically, I start with 5 baby hangers and I place them on a large flat surface in the shape of a pentagon and tie them all together securely so that they hold their shape.  Then I start with the diapers, unfolding the diaper vertically (not opening up the waistband area) and I fold the diaper around the outer ring of the hangers and cinch each one with curling ribbon, then repeat around the inner ring of the hangers and cinch those with curling ribbon as well.  Then curl the ribbon and add a bow to the top and VIOLA!  You could add pacifiers, bottles, forks & spoons tied into the wreath as gifts too if you wanted.  I obviously don't shop for diapers often, but was totally surprised at the fact that I couldn't find plain white diapers!  Even the generic brands have cartoon characters or SOMETHING on them.  So I went with the polka dots, which were a little too boyish since the dots were blue and green, but I tried to neutral it up with yellow ribbon. 

I have lots of time on my hands now that I'm restricted from exercising.  I'm sure I'll come up with more ridiculous craft activities and I'll be sure to post them as well. 

1week and counting...

Thats right...only 7 days until we take our first IVF steps (and write one whopper of a check!). Tuesday, I spent an hour on the phone with the online pharmacy that my Dr's office recommends. For anyone needing fertility meds, I HIGHLY recommend them...Freedom Pharmacy. My pharmacist was SO helpful and even let me know that about 5 of my meds would actually be cheaper through our local drugstore. She saved us about $100 on those meds. At the end of the call I waited while she calculated our final total...I was dreading this part. The nurses at REACH had warned us that the meds would probably be between $3,000 and $4,000 per cycle. "Please let it be $3,000, please let it be $3,000" I silently prayed. As I'm whispering my prayer I hear the pharmacist say, "well, that can't be right, let me run those again.". "oh great," the Princess of Darkness said "it's probably even MORE than $4,000...". The pharmacist comes back and said "I didn't think this sounded right, but your total is only $2114". I thought I'd never be so happy to hear that something is ONLY two thousand dollars, but this time I sure was! Then she and I both laughed at how ridiculous that sounds to say ONLY two thousand dollars and she proceeds to tell me that she's had to give people grand totals as high as six and seven thousand dollars...YIKES! Thank you Jesus that our meds are only 2k! So the goodies will be delivered Saturday morning. I have to be at home to receive them since they have to be refrigerated immediately. The Italian has final bloodwork tomorrow, then I have my labs and ultrasound on the 7th and if all looks right, I'll probably start injections that day or the next. From that point, it's only 9 to 12 days until they go in to retrieve the follies. For my prayer warriors out there, prayers for large healthy follicles and plenty of tthem will be greatly appreciated!

Waiting & Weighting....

Waiting, waiting, waiting...ugh I feel like that is all I ever do.  For right now, I'm waiting until October 7th - that's my next lab & ultrasound date.  If all looks as they hope, I'll wait two more days and start my meds, then I'll wait 9-12 days until the precious little follies are ready to be retrieved, then wait 3-5 more days for transfer (fingers crossed as long as all goes well), then wait 2 more weeks to find out if we have sticky embryos, then waiting 8-12 more weeks until you have a much better chance that all is safe.  In the meantime, that leaves me in limbo land waiting to wait and thinking about waiting while I'm waiting. 

In the meantime, I'm also trying to stop weighting, Weighting, WEIGHTING.  The reduction in exercise and trying to figure out what the heck I'm supposed to be eating is doing a number on my figure.  I don't feel like myself as I've had to cut back on exercise SUBSTANTIALLY over the past few months...I haven't run a 9 or 12 mile run in ages.  I'm doing my best to eat healthy although I'll tell you the internet is driving me insane....how am I supposed to know what to eat? 

• "Eat full fat dairy" / "Eat NO dairy"
• "Eat fresh, raw veggies, lots of them" / "No raw veggies or fruits, no raw anything" (apparently cold foods throw off my chi - according to my acupuncturist 
• "Limit refined carbs and sugars" (to control my PCOS - which apparently causes insulin resistance) / "Chow on some full fat ice cream a couple of times a week"
• "Eat lots of protein" / "Limit animal protein"
• "Eat red meat a few times a week" / "Limit animal protein"
• "Drink soy milk" / "Avoid all soy products"
• "Green Tea is good" / "Green Tea is bad" - (green tea is my other go to when I want to unwind and relax...I drink it all day long. 
• "Eat a high fat/high protein diet", "Eat organic everything"....

The one thing that seems to pretty unanimous (unfortunately) is that exercise (even moderate) is NO good for anyone who is in good physical shape and dealing with IF (Infertility for those who failed to read this post).  UGH - for those who know me, they know that I'm pretty compulsive about exercise.  And I'm that way for a number of reasons:
1. My sanity - I use my time running as meditation
2. I don't like being out of shape - call me vain if you want, I just don't feel good when I'm mushy
3. I get sad/depressed when I'm inactive and cannot snap out of it till I get back in the groove
4. Energy - when I don't exercise, I'm tired, lathargic and not nearly as productive as I am when I get my daily run in (I have no time to be tired or lathargic with my job).

So I've spent hours (no probably DAYS) scouring the internet trying to find SOMETHING, ANYTHING that will tell me that exercising just prior to and even during the IVF process is A-OK. 

Negatory...see snippets from various studies and articles below...

Women who exercised four or more hours a week for years were 40% less likely to have a live birth after in vitro fertilization (IVF), according to a study of more than 2,200 patients.

Moreover, exercising four or more hours for one to nine years before attempting in vitro fertilization also doubled the risk of implantation failure, wrote Stephanie N. Morris, M.D., Harvard Medical School, and colleagues, in the October issue of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

"Interestingly, the most detrimental effect was observed in cardiovascular exercisers, who had a 30% lower chance of successful pregnancy after their first cycle of IVF," compared with women who didn't exercise, the investigators wrote.

By contrast, walking for one to three hours a week did not increase the risk of IVF failure, but women who walked for four or more hours a week "were 50% less likely to have a live birth compared with women who did not regularly exercise."

The authors concluded that while exercise has "many known health benefits, it does not seem to contribute to successful IVF outcomes."


After reading this, I started to feel like I'm doomed.  I've exercised heavily for more than 15 years (an hour to hour and a half almost daily - with 30 minutes to an hour plus of that being cardio (usually) and filling in the gaps with yoga, pilates, weight training, etc.  But even my weight training is usually high intensity to keep the heart rate elevated throughout.  Now to hear that even walking 4 hours a week can contribute to low success rates?????  What in the world????????? 

So from today forward I'm restricting myself to walking and probably super duper light yoga (not my psycho vinyasa classes).  Siyonara runs...yesterday was my last until this process is finished.  We're investing an INSANE amount of money, time and energy so I guess I need to do all that I can to ease the process along.  I can't undo the hours and hours of exercise I've done in the past (which very well may contribute to difficulties throughout this process) but I can make sure that I'm doing (or not) doing what I need to now! 

Pray for my sanity and pray for those around me...I'm very grumpy when I'm feeling frumpy!

Apology +

So my last post was pretty gloomy, sorry about that.  I'm really not usually such a buzzkill.  I went back and forth as to whether or not to post it and finally I was like, ya know what?  Good, bad and ugly, I'm just gonna throw it all out there.  I was in the midst of an icky hour when I wrote but literally just a short time after that I was back to normal.  No worries and no need to call the suicide hotline or anything - the PoD has crept back to her hole (for the moment) so you're all safe from her miserable whining.  I have to admit, I did feel better after just letting it out (that's not something I do often...usually she only shares her dismal personality with me so it all stays bottled up inside - blah!)  

I think the fact that work is so INSANELY BUSY helps a lot.  When I'm there I literally don't have any TIME to even think about IF, IVF or any of the issues that have brought us to where we are.  So for once being too busy with work to have any sort of a personal life is a good thing :)  And hey, in this economy the fact that we are so busy is a blessing so I'll take it over the alternative ANY DAY!!!!

Today however is a RARE Saturday off...slept in a bit (7am - I'm usually up by 4:30/5am) and am now half listening to the Mr. give an in-depth golf instructional as to the mechanics of the perfect golf swing (thrilling) in our family room.  He's getting irritated because I keep looking away and typing while he's showing me his demo...never a dull moment at the Randazzo estate...:) 

Later today I'm going to work on a gift for a gender party for next week.  I'm super excited and can't wait to see if the little bundle will be a boy or a girl!  We had one last weekend too and I made a diaper wreath to take (figure since you don't know the sex before the party the one thing you know that ALL babies will need are DIAPERS, DIAPERS and MORE DIAPERS!!!!).  I should have taken a picture of it.  It didn't turn out perfectly, but it looked pretty darn cute if I do say so myself.  The Italian was pretty proud of it and he made almost everyone at the party look at it.  (I don't like to draw attention to myself so would have been happy if it was just taken up to the nursery right away).   I want to try to think of something a little different to do for this mommy to be (if you have any ideas, please share...I have one idea, but I'm not giving my secrets away yet!).  Anyway, that will be today's project (along with sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, cleaning the kitchen, bathroom, changing bedsheets, dusting, catching up on some work (emails, proposals and some contracts I need to process), grocery shopping, etc., etc., etc.,). 

I love this new Gender Party trend...hoping to have one someday soon myself!  I swear, not if but when this happens I'm going to have parties to celebrate every stinking phase!!!! 

Happy Saturday folks!

Princess of Darkness

So I'm generally a happy person. I wouldn't say perky, but definitely a glass half full kind of gal. Sometimes I think I live in my own fairy tale world where there are no "bad guys", unicorns do exist and every good little girl gets her happy ending. I have a unique ability to live in denial at times, ignoring the fact that there are bad people in the world or that bad things happen to good people. The Italian says that I remind him of Princess Giselle from the movie "Enchanted", not only the red hair (totally awesome at the age of 34 to finally have a red headed heroine to look up to other than Ariel in "The Little Mermaid"), but her incessant, and almost annoying sense of optimism and that deep down all is working out for GOOD. I can see how this gets annoying, and I recognize it WHILE it's happening....for example....the Italian's had a bad day, boss is giving him a hard time (old, old job....he liked his last boss and likes his current boss now too), any way he'll just want to vent and complain and I can't take it. As he's complaining about said boss ( insert friend, family member, whatever), I jump into defending the person that he's complaining about because I refuse to believe that anyone is deliberately trying to be an A-hole....surely he/she has SOMETHING going on in his/her life that is causing him/her to act out, talk down or whatever the problem is. Now this drives him absolutely BONKERS! And I totally get it, he wants someone to have sympathy or empathy and I do, but I don't want to think anything bad about the other person, so I spend more time psychoanalyzing the antagonist than I do actually listening to what he's saying. I find myself doing the same thing with my employees at work...whenever something is bad or going wrong the "Annie" in me comes out and I do everything short of bursting into a stellar rendition of "The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow" to help justify whatever the situation is. (hey there's another redhead to look up to, but I don't think she counts cause of the 'fro...I could definitely never pull of that look) Lately however my Miss Mary Sunshine personality has been introduced to a creepy alter ego which I'm affectionately calling "THE PRINCESS OF DARKNESS" (PoD). As hard as I try to keep my chin up, not obsess and not overanalyze the what, how, where and why's of this journey, the Princess just keeps sticking her long, pointy nose all up in my business and filling my head with all of these doubts, questions and self defeating talk...now I don't want to brush over this lightly because there is some pretty heavy (and scary) stuff residing in the Princess's warped mind (I'll save that for later), but recently all she wants to talk about is "Why me? I must have down some (or lots of) REALLY bad things for God to punish me this way.". She's even bold enough to say, "You know this IVF stuff isn't going to work...you're going to spend all of this time, energy and money and still walk away with nothing, so you might as well get used to it, don't waste your emotions on getting excited about it because it isn't going to work.". And another beauty, "your husband probably regrets marrying a defect like you.". (he assures me this isn't true, but the PoD sure does have a loud voice) Now the good princess Giselle/Ariel/Annie in my knows that God doesn't "punish" his followers that way....he doesn't even punish non believers that way. There is a master plan out there that he has designed especially for me, but this Princess of Darkness seems to be speaking louder and louder everyday. I hate her and the thing that angers me the most is that she's always been there inside of me ready to poke her ugly little head out when things aren't going my way...and sometimes even when they are. Ugh...PoD go away...you are a PoS! Okay enough of all of that time to throw on my tiara, hop on my unicorn and get back to my real life which is perfect...at least perfect for me because I'm exactly where God wants me to be today.