Saturday, August 27, 2011

It's Wheatgrass Wednesday!

So I'm now on my wheatgrass kick - I'll be sharing a little bit as I learn more. The more I read about it, the more amazed I am.

To be honest, my first wheatgrass encounter was not good...not at all...I had my first wheatgrass shot in a green drink while grocery shopping at EarthFare this weekend. I almost barfed. Their green drink is served room temp which totally grossed me out. However while I was shopping I found awesome little frozen wheatgrass cubes. They're about $15.00 for 20 little "cubes" - you cut them out and gently thaw them in the sealed tray in warm water then I add to my Dr. Oz Green Drink in the mornings. No offense Earth Fare, but Dr. Oz's Green Drink kicks your green drink's A$#. (You can get the recipe - here)

One thing to note, if you buy these, you need to try to drink your wheatgrass within 15 minutes or so to preserve all of the nutrients. I haven't been brave enough to try the wheatgrass on it's own. Looked up more info and wanted to share for your knowledge. Good for everyone - even those not TTC (trying to conceive - come on you guys, did you really read my acronyms post? I told you there would be a quiz later! :)) If you missed it, you can read "here" Drink your wheatgrass today - keep yourself healthy and well.

The history of wheatgrass:



1930: CHARLES F. SCHNABEL


The consumption of wheatgrass in the Western world began in the 1930s as a result of experiments by agricultural chemist, Charles F. Schnabel. Schnabel conducted his first experiments with young grasses in 1930 after experimenting with various mixture of feeds that would increase chicken health and egg production during winter months. After trying various mixtures of vegetables, grains, etc., in his chicken feed, he found no differences in chicken health or egg production and nearly gave up. Noticing that hens searched out the young nutritious cereal grasses when available, he included dehydrated wheatgrass and oat grass with their feed. Schnabel was amazed to find the cereal grass mixture boosted the chicken's health significantly. He stated in his research, "even a child can see the bloom of health in the grass-fed hens." Additionally, the grasses increased egg production by150% per hen.

Schnabel was so fascinated with his discovery that he fed his family with dehydrated grass. That was the beginning of the human consumption of grass. His family consumed grass for eleven years and he reported that none of his children suffered from serious illness, not even with tooth decay.

Schnabel started promoting his discovery to feed mills, chemists and the food industry. "Two large corporations, Quaker Oats and American Diaries Inc., invested millions of dollars in further research, development, and production of products for animals and humans. By 1940, cans of Schnabel's powdered grass were on sale in major drug stores throughout the United States and Canada."

Charles Schnabel is the person who coined the statement "15 lbs. of wheatgrass is equal in overall nutritional value to over 350 lbs. of ordinary vegetables." In the 1940's, wheatgrass and other cereal grass tablets were the best selling "multiple vitamin" and mineral supplements in the nation.


1940: ANN WIGMORE


In the beginning of 1940's, Ann Wigmore continued to contribute to the popularization of wheatgrass. When Wigmore was a child, she watched and learned the power of natural healing from her grandmother, who helped heal the wounds of World War I soldiers with grasses, herbs, and plants.

In the 1960's Ann Wigmore "re-discovered" wheatgrass and was able to cure her own 'untreatable' colitis through her consumption of wheatgrass, raw greens, blended seeds, and grains. Within a year, she was cancer-free and began researching the healing properties of grasses, and began to focus on the healing properties of wheatgrass. Wigmore claimed that her wheatgrass diet could cure diseases. She shared wheatgrass with several sick friends and each recovered from their sickness. She went on to found the 'Hippocrates Health Institute' based on the principle "Let Food be your medicine," and treated countless people with serious health conditions. Wigmore died in 1993, but her Creative Health Institute is still an active institute.

In the 1940's, a man by the name of Charles Kettering (former Chairman of the Board of General Motors) donated money for the study of chlorophyll. Chlorophyll was studied intensively by medical doctors using FDA required standards i.e. double blind studies, etc. (There are currently over 40 articles written up in medical journals about the healing effects of chlorophyll.) These medical doctors found that chlorophyll was a great healer and used it as such for quite some time.


In 1931, Charles F. Schnabel discovered that grass achieves its peak nutrition when grown to the jointing stage. This is the point when the plant stops being a vegetable and starts reproducing. This point which for the most part is achieved in 3-7 weeks depending on the growing conditions, enables the prodigious root system of this plant to develop and pull minerals up from the soil. Immediately after jointing, there is a dramatic decline in nutrient content. Almost all bottled grass powders are grown this way. Although the Wigmore style, 10-14 day old greenhouse-grown, fresh squeezed grass juice is the grass of choice used at the healing centers for treating illness, the bottled dehydrated juice powders reign as nutritionally superior. They have more protein than meat, fish or eggs, more beta carotene than carrots, more calcium than spinach and are rich sources of vitamins A, C, and K, chlorophyll, RNA, DNA, antioxidants, nitrosamines and a full complement of amino acids and trace minerals.

Information from: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=115138243706

Secret Language

So I've introduced you to a few of the acronyms that us infertile myrtles use to describe our experience, procedures, feelings, etc. Here's a more comprehensive list so hopefully you can start understanding this cryptic language :)
  • 2WW = 2-Week Wait - this is the worst one. It's the period of time between "IT" and when Aunt Flo (AF)does or does not make her appearance.
  • AF = Aunt Flo (menstruation - unwelcome visitor)
  • AO = Anovulation - this is part of my diagnosis. For some reason I'm anovulatory - combination of exercise induced, being moderately underweight and incredibly active as a young'un (darn you ballet classes!), and PCOS in one ovary, blocked tube for quite a while on the other side, my acupuncturist says "you have a very complicated case indeed" - thanks for the comforting words...just stick the needles in me and let me hang out with my Chinese music please...
  • AWOL = A Woman On Lupron - this is a med that you take which basically shuts your hormones down completely forcing you into menopause. Giving your body time to "rest" and giving your doc total control over your hormones when you start back up.
  • BBT = Basal Body Temperature - I've never been into tracking this. Doc says that by the time you detect a temperature change, you've already ovulated, so it's too late to do anything with it. Definitely not effective tracking mechanism for someone with all of my issues and irregularities.
  • BCP = Birth Control Pills
  • BD = Baby Dance - i.e. sex, IT, doing the deed, or as Marvin Gaye so eloquently put it, "Let's Get It On". This sounds well and good until you get a call during the middle of the work day while TTC and says that according to your 7am bloodwork results it's time and NOW...do not pass go, do not collect $200...get your booty home 10 minutes ago!
  • BFN = Big Fat Negative - I'm WAY too familiar with this. It sucks.
  • BFP = Big Fat Positive - maybe some day!!!!
  • BW, b/w = Bloodwork - I'm a human pincushion, needles have no effect on me anymore.
  • CD = Cycle Day - Cycle Day #1 starts with AF's arrival...
  • CM = Cervical Mucus - you can look this up on your own...
  • COW = Curse of Womanhood (menstruation) - not so much a curse for those of us who are AO (see above)
  • DPO = Days Post-Ovulation - self explanatory
  • DPR = Days Post-Retrieval - self explanatory
  • DPT = Days Post-Transfer - self explanatory
  • ENDO = Endometriosis - I have this - had surgery to remove as much as possible, however it is known to come back, the only way to know is to go in and have the surgery again.
  • EPT = Early Pregnancy Test
  • ET = Embryo Transfer
  • FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer - my doc actually supports FET, he says it gives the woman's body time to recover after all the stimulation meds and gives the embryo's a more nurturing environment to implant. We'll see. He does 90% fresh embroy transfer b/c most of us infertile myrtles are impatient and want to do it "right now". Also the Attain Fertility plan covers up to 3 fresh and 3 frozen transfers, so you're required to try fresh first go round.
  • FSH = Follicle Stimulating Hormone
  • FTTA = Fertile Thoughts To All - sending to some special ladies who should hopefully be receiving good news soon!!!!!
  • FV = Fertile Vibes - ditto
  • hCG, HCG = Human Chorionic Gonadotropin - a hormone secreted early in pregnancy. It helps maintain high levels of progesterone which is critical for the success of preganancy. hCG is also the hormone detected by urine & blood pregnancy tests. I took this (via muscular injection) prior to my IUIs - it helps the mature follicle release. It can also cause a false positive on your HPT (see below), so you're not supposed to test until after the 2WW
  • HPT = Home Pregnancy Test - love seeing pics of these on my friends' blogs and facebook pages with BFP's!!!!!
  • HSG = Hysterosalpingogram - have had 2 of these. 1 unmedicated (yowza!)...1 with valium....valium makes everything all better :) I highly recommend the medicated HSG over unmedicated. You lay on an x-ray table while they shoot die into both fallopian tubes to detect potential blockage. I had a blocked tube which they cleared on the 2nd HSG.
  • ICSI = Intra-cytoplasmic Sperm Injection - this is part of IVF where they actually take the sperm and inject it into the egg in the petri dish rather than relying on the two to combine on their own.
  • IF = Infertility - ugh, hate this label
  • IM = Intra-muscular (WRT injections) - awesome
  • IUI = Intra-uterine Insemination - 3 strikes and you're out for us.
  • IVF = In Vitro Fertilization - our next step. Tons of meds to stimulate follicles (i.e. eggs), then they retrieve the eggs perform the ICSI and wait a few days to see how many grow and how many (if any) pass away :( Then they place the growing embryos (up to 2 per my doc's instructions) back into the uterus and pray that one or both implant.
  • LSP = Low Sperm Count - not an issue for us
  • MFI = Male Factor Infertility - not an issue for us
  • OHSS = Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome - during IVF there is a chance that your Ovaries may become overstimulated and this can result in a hospital stay. Extremely painful.
  • PCOS = Polycystic Ovary Syndrome - one or both ovaries produce too many small follicles which prohibits any one follicle from fully maturing and releasing (i.e. ovulation). I have this in one ovary which partially explains my why I am AO
  • PG = Pregnant - hopefully someday???? soon???? :) :) :)
  • RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist - Dr. Katz at REACH is my RE...we think he's great! :)
  • TESA = Testicular Sperm Aspiration - YOWZA! The Italian is SO thankful that he doesn't have to deal with this....OUCH!
Alright, there will be a quiz later!

Loss for words...not in a bad way

First, I'll apologize for the extended absence. I've honestly been at a loss for words over the past month. And not in a bad way - I just haven't had anything to say (interesting or not) on the topics of fertility, TTC (trying to conceive for people who don't have to worry about this stuff - us "infertile myrtles" have acronyms for everything - I'll post about that later), work, life in general, etc. Too much going on with work to even think about IVF, infertility or the fact that I am rapidly approaching "Advanced Maternal Age" - i.e. 35.

We decided to postpone our IVF plans - want to give the Italian some time to settle into the new job. Luckily his boss knew about our IVF plans before he accepted the position so they'll definitely be willing to work with him on his travel schedule when the time comes. I also need some time to get things situated at my job. We're a man down on our team, so I'm anxious to get that position filled so I can go back to working 6 days a week instead of 7 :)

So we're thinking October or November for the actual procedure. I can't remember if I posted or not but his insurance does NOT cover infertility but we're ok with that.

So I'm still drinking/eating my "Green Drink" - I had some extra this morning so I made the Italian drink a little and I honestly thought he was going to vomit. He said "I don't know whether to drink it or chew it...ugh". He's right (the taste is fine, it's 100% the texture that bugs me), but it does get easier with time and it is a great way to get some extra organic veggies in!

I'm looking into wheatgrass shots as well. Earth Fare has them for $1.99 per shot and I've read that whea grass is really a miracle food - not specifically for fertility but for overall health in general. I figure that whether we get preggers or not, I might as well try to be as healthy as I possibly can be. You can read more about the benefits of wheatgrass at the following website: http://www.hippocratesinst.org/benefits-of-wheatgrass

To all my friends who have recently announced their pregnancies, you should start drinking wheatgrass immediately! :)

I tried to buy wheatgrass and blend it in my blender...don't waste your money it doesn't work. I even watched YouTube videos of other people blending it then straining out the juice (apparently our bodies can't digest the actual "grass" - so you just have to get the juice). I've even got a pretty good Cuisinart blender, so I was surprised when it didn't work. I'll just buy pre-made at EarthFare....I heart EarthFare!

Promise I'll update more frequently. I'm still researching when I can, so I'll post updates on that info as I come across it.

And finally, I'm asking for prayers for 3 very special ladies who are in the midst of their IVF cycles RIGHT NOW! Praying for BFP's (Big Fat Positives) for all of you!!!!

Friday, August 5, 2011

The Green Monster

I've developed a great little support group of girls from various circles of my life and we're all going through this sort of at the same time. It's awesome how we all found each other and is so nice to have friends going through the same thing. My girls were kind enough to share a natural tip with me - Dr. Oz's Green Drink. (see photo and yes, it really does look that disgusting). I'll include the recipe at the bottom of this post for those who are interested. This miracle "drink" (if you can call it that) is FULL of antioxidants and fiber. Warning, I would be reluctant to call this a "drink" - it is THICK (hence the spoon in the glass). I treated it more as a chunky soup and choked it down that way. The flavor was not bad at all - it was a texture thing for me. Anyway, it's definitely HEALTHY and if I'm willing to pump my bod full of hormones and chemicals, I'm certainly going to give this a shot as well! I will tell you, I drank about 6-8 oz this morning at 7am and still am not hungry at 2pm...that is not normal for this girl...me likes to eat! Dr. Oz apparently drinks this regularly in the AM - love me some Dr. Oz!

Anyways, I will be lagging a little behind my girls on the IVF schedule due to some exciting new developments at the Randazzo Estate. The Italian was actually recruited for a new job (he wasn't even looking for a new opportunity - when does that happen in this economy). Well not only does the job include a SUBSTANTIAL pay increase, but there is a chance that their insurance plan will cover some or all of the IVF costs....SAY WHAT????? We'll find out early next week about the insurance, so we decided to be good stewards of all that God has given us and wait until we find out before we schedule our next steps for IVF. It's hard not to believe that God is shining down on us favorably for some unknown reason right now.


Anyway, I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted anything. I hate to say it but I have thoroughly enjoyed the last month - no shots, no pills, no counting days....it's been a welcome break! Work has been crazy enough - we're at peak wedding season, so I can't imagine having been on my injection regimine and trying to keep up with everything at work! Time is flying by and I'm realizing that I'm getting closer and closer to being of "advanced maternal age" - that's such a lovely term that they give to expectant mothers 35 or older. Awesome. Oh well, if I'm lucky enough to get preggers soon, I'll rock the title proudly! Peace out friends - chat soon!

Dr. Oz's Green Drink

2 cups spinach
1 -2 medium cucumber (approx 2 cups)
1 stalk celery
1/2 inch ginger root (or 1 teaspoon)
1 bunch chopped parsley (approx 1/2 cup chopped)
2 apples, cored
1 lime, juice of
1/2 lemon, juice of

Optional ingredients
raw carrot
unsweetened fruit juice
banana

Combine all ingredients in a blender and blend completely. Do NOT use a juicer as it will remove the pulp and all the nutrients contained within. I had to chop things up before blending and it took a lot of manhandling the blender in order to get it all mixed up. The texture will be THICK, but you should blend until smooth (no big chunks). Next time I will add a little water or a few ice cubes to loosen it up a little bit.

BON APETIT!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Missing in Action

I just realized that it has nearly been a month since my last post...wow time flies when you're not counting cycle days, popping pills and taking shots all the time! So at our last visit we had decided to begin the suppression phase which is basically going back on birth control pills for a month to sort of shut down my system in order to give my doctor total control over stimulating my cycle next month. They recommend 1 month of suppression, but not more than that as they don't want to keep patients on BCPs for too long prior to starting the stimulation meds.

So we were just starting suppression and the whole world seemed to explode. Drama with work, drama with our puppy, drama, drama, drama....

If you don't know me, I don't do drama.

At work, one of my teammates accepted an awesome new position within our company, so trying to prepare for that transition has been a little overwhelming (to say the least). I'm excited for her, but we're gonna miss that girl too!!! Luckily she's close by so we'll still get to see her!

Unfortunately, part of the drama was 100% my own fault. I made a careless mistake which has literally given me serious anxiety since Wednesday. I don't want to go into specifics but it's really messed with my head, my nerves and my body. I've been almost entirely without sleep for 3 days now - my heartbeat racing wakes me up every 20 minutes or so (I'm sure that can't last much longer). I'm admittedly being hard on myself...I am absolutely my own worst critic and I do not like to make mistakes...at all...ever. And I'm really bad about beating myself up when I do.

My girlfriends who are mothers have told me that I will HAVE to get over this as when you're a mommy, mistakes are bound to happen and there is no time to sit around and feel sorry for yourself like I'm doing now.

This to shall pass, however it's definitely not the "stress free" environment my doctor is recommending as we prepare to turn my hormones upside down. My IVF nurse pulled me off the pills and said for us to try to start suppression next month hopefully when things have calmed down a bit and my mind and body are maybe in a more peaceful state.

The final bit of drama is related to our oldest "child" - Chance (our 10 year old yellow lab) developed what I now know is called a "hot spot" - but at the time, I thought it was a non-stop flesh eating virus! In a matter of 1 day what looked like a bug bite about the size of a dime grew into a full blown raw, wet, bloody infection larger than my hand all over the side of his face. Dave and I were a wreck thinking that his face may rot off overnight (gross I know, but you just don't understand how fast this grew and what it looked like...we had blood everywhere in our house). Then we take him to the vet and they're like "It's just a hot spot"...JUST a hot spot? Our dog looks like Freddie Krueger!!!!

They had to sedate the poor boy in order to trim and treat it and now he's sporting these fashionable booties and stylish Elizabethan Collar. Poor fella...he looks kind of like a flower :) Man we love this dog...he is the sweetest thing ever!

So we're back to waiting a bit. We'll re-start suppression next month and then start the stimulation cycles and hopefully have good news soon!

For the time being, I'm getting my running legs back! Once we get to the end of suppression I'll have to chill back out on that again. Dr. Katz says for some reason infertility is the one area of medicine where exercise really does more harm than good (except in the case of some overweight or obese patients). It's the only thing that has gotten me through this week. Running is my time with God & with myself and my own thoughts...it's my form of meditation and the only time that I actually feel at peace.

So I'll try to be better about posting - but the next couple of weeks may still be a little crazy, so no promises...I'm not going to stress over it :)


Monday, June 27, 2011

The Holy Grail

Ok - so anyone dealing with dr's appointments of any sort knows the frustrating game of phone tag that ensues. Well imagine that you have dr's appointments several times a week and that your job has you in meetings and appointments with clients at least 50% of the working day and that after every dr appointment you're waiting to hear some result to some test. Frustrating doesn't even begin to explain it. They call and leave a voicemail saying that they have results, I call back and leave a message asking them to call me back, they call me back, I'm in a meeting - they don't leave results on the vm, I call them back, the nurse is meeting with a patient so I leave another message, they call me back...you get the picture, right?

So the Italian and I went for our IVF consult on Friday afternoon. More on that later, but the best thing happened...I found the holy grail of infertility...my IVF nurse gave me her EMAIL ADDRESS!!!!!! Praise the Lord - I can finally communicate with someone instead of playing phone tag...HOORAY!!!

OK - aside from that little nugget, the consult was crazy informative. Dr. Katz actually did a test retrieval which was kind of gross but took all of 3 minutes and he just carried on a conversation with us the whole time like nothing was going on...the weird thing is that Dave is getting used to this too. Everyone's just having conversations about all sorts of random stuff while well, you know...

After that lovely experiment, we spent over an hour with Dr. K going through questions, things we should know, all that good stuff. He seems to feel like I'm an excellent IVF candidate and said he'd estimate a 65% chance that we'd bring a little bundle of joy home after the first try. Sounds good, but that means there's also a 35% chance that my little eggs are shot or that my endometriosis is making it too difficult for an embryo to implant and that may explain why we're having trouble getting preggers in the first place. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts...

So we're definitely moving forward with IVF, just not right now. The IVF nurse gave us a a sample plan which would have us moving forward on July 1st...our wedding anniversary...next week....too soon! We're probably going to wait a month or so and just try to get back to normal a little bit. We want to take time to decide whether we want to pay for the one shot wonder at $12k or go for the mac daddy 6-try insurance plan at $23-$29k with a 70% refund if all tries are unsuccessful. MOST people don't have to use all 6 tries, but the peace of mind knowing that IF God forbid it doesn't work that you get the majority of your money back helps to relieve some of that stress that it's so important to be avoiding. Plus I need a little time to recover emotionally and physically from the crazy hormones I've had in my body for the past 2 years. (Dave could probably use a break from that too).

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

For my fellow Infertile Myrtles...

This is a sweet and thoughtful post that I found on an IVF message board last night, just wanted to share as I know there are some other couples struggling with infertility following along with this blog. My thoughts, prayers and love are with you too...

What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility? (Excerpted from a post on an IVF Board)

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive “advice.” We can all list the most popular ones: “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant,” or “adopt and you’ll get pregnant,” or “things happen for a reason“, or the most painful from those who think they’ve got the goods on God’s plan, “Maybe God never meant for you to have children.” The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, “Maybe God never meant for you to live.” However, because of infertility, the woman is supposed to get on with her life. It’s hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which treatment must be sought. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, “Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die.” What if he’d never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God’s plan?

What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That’s not my destiny; that’s just a fork in the road I’m on. I’ve been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I’m a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven’t let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I’ve ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I’ll say, “Don’t tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know.”

To whomever wrote this, I give you all the credit for the eloquent expression! This post has been copied and pasted so many times that I wasn't able to track down the original author. If anyone knows who wrote this, please let me know - I'd love to contact her! xoxo

Sunday, June 12, 2011

IVF it is....

I had my routine Day #3 appointment for blood work and an ultrasound...luckily Dr. Katz (my doc) was the one on duty today (they rotate on the weekends, so a lot of time you don't get to see "your" doc), so I actually got to chat with him for a bit. Although he had originally told us 4 IUIs is what he recommended he said that after this last one, he really doesn't feel like it will be productive. There's basically a 10-15% success rate for each IUI procedure, however MOST people see success within 3 attempts. The timing and preparations leading up to all 3 IUIs have been perfect and unfortunately there's no way to know what is going wrong after that. We've been spending between $700-$800 per month on the IUIs (with monitoring, drugs, the procedure, sperm wash, etc.), so it's not breaking the bank, but it's not chump change by any means either! I know people who have done 4, 5 and up to 9 IUIs with no success which is scary!

So he said that the decision is ours....we can go for IUI #4 or go ahead and start preparing for IVF (success rates closer to 60-65%). When I asked him what he would do if he were us, he said IVF with absolutely no hesitation.

We had to make a decision about the IUI TODAY, because if we did want to proceed with the IUI I'd have to start meds tonight. So it was all a little overwhelming. I was fine in the office and on the way home. But once I got home and Dave asked me about it, I had yet another break down. This is not normal for me. I'm weird - in my previous life I cried A LOT, but not about important things...I cry at Hallmark commercials, The Biggest Loser, Extreme Home Makeover and anytime I hear the song "Carolina in my Mind" by James Taylor (reminds me of my cheering days), but when it comes to real life stuff I'm really good at putting up walls like Fort Knox and holding it all together like a champ. Well now for some reason my walls are broken, no matter how hard I try, I can't put them UP. Poor Dave, he's not used to seeing this side of me. He just laid in the bed and rubbed my back and kept telling me that it will be ok.

I honestly never thought that we would get to this point...nothing against IVF it is AMAZING technology and I have learned that SO many of my friends have and are going through IVF now. I just never thought that it would be ME in those shoes. The preparations and drugs are just so hard on your body and spirit and of course, the cost is insane! Now I know that you can't put a price on the happiness a child brings but still...it's so frustrating to live in a state that does not require that insurance companies assist with infertility treatments. This is not a "choice" that I've made, this is a "choice" that was never given to me. I'm not an unemployed person choosing to have additional children so that I can accept more welfare from the government, I'm a hard working, tax paying citizen who just wants to have a family that we plan to support ourselves, not rely on the government to do so. (ok I'm off my political soapbox now).

We have a meeting with Dr. K, his nurses and the financial counselor on June 24th but basically it comes down to 3 options:

1. $12,500 = one try, includes the procedure, monitoring and injectables (4-5 shots per day on many days - YOWZA)

2. $16,000-ish = 2 tries

3. $20,000-ish = 3 tries (or more, not clear on this) and money back if it doesn't work

Those are rough guidelines - we'll learn more next week. Right away Dave said #3 sounds like what we should do. If we're gonna go for it, let's go all out - again, we'll decide for sure after our meeting on the 24th.

On the upside, what that means for this month is that I get to do NOTHING - no drugs, no shots, nothing...I just get to let my little body rest and re-set itself. I'm definitely looking forward to that!

If anyone has advice on how to prepare for IVF, I'd love to hear from you! I'm super nervous and of course, already trying to get my game plan together.

Much love to the hundreds of people I've heard from over the past month...I can't tell you how much I appreciate the love, support, prayers and most of all your stories too. My prayers are there with my fellow infertile myrtles. God has a plan!

Friday, June 10, 2011

The B!T©H is Back!

That's right - Aunt Flo arrived....EARLY....TODAY. What the heck??????? Ugh! Woke up feeling all "pre-Aunt Flowy" and sure enough...she settled in comfortably this afternoon.

The "F" in BFN does NOT stand for Big FAT Negative this month if you catch my drift. For those who know me well, they know that's about as close to a curse word they'll probably hear out of my mouth or off my keyboard.

So what do I do? Being the practical gal that I am, I get on the phone like a good patient to call Dr. Katz and report "Cycle Day 1" - as I'm going through my name, my chart number, my phone number, etc. my voice starts to crack and by the time I'm telling them WHY I'm calling in I can hardly speak. I got through the phone call and then sobbed like a baby (I mean uncontrollable, out loud "ugly crying") for 10 minutes and then all of the sudden it stopped.

The tears just stopped.

The shaky breath....stopped,

the quivering lip...stopped.

All I could hear was God's voice in my ear saying that it's for the best. My body is doing it's job. If it were time for a beautiful, HEALTHY baby - this wouldn't be happening the way it is right now.

So I straightened my dress, put on some lipstick and headed back to work to finish the day at my job that God has blessed me with so that I can drive home in the car that God blessed me with to the beautiful home that God blessed us with.

It's so easy to get caught up in the "why me's"...now I'm starting to ask, "Why NOT me???" What makes me think that I'm any better than anyone else? Why should my road be easier than anyone else's? There are certainly people dealing with much more difficult and dire circumstances than this, so for today I am grateful that perhaps God protected me from something that may potentially have been disastrous and devastating.

I will not worry about anything, instead praying about everything. Telling God what I need and being THANKFUL for all that He has done!!!! (Phillipians 4:6 paraphrased by yours truly - for those who don't read the Bible...you should check it out, there's an answer in there for everything you need).

We're headed back to the Dr. Sunday morning for Day 3 bloodwork and ultrasounds (yup the yucky ultrasound) - then back to meds, shots, more shots and our final IUI attempt...I'm not thinking any further past that.... "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

See? Told you! An answer for everything in The Good Book :)

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Frankie Say RELAX!

I can NOT begin to count how many people have told me in how many different ways that if we would just "relax" that everything may fall into place and we'd be just fine. As an optimist myself, I love hearing this, however....easier said than done! For all of those loved ones out there who are worried about my inability to relax, I promise, I'm TRYING to "relax" (sounds like an oxymoron right?)

I am naturally a tightly wound, obsessive compulsive control freak (some may lovingly use the phrase "anal retentive"), so relaxing is not my strong suit....and that drives me bananas because I am also type A, bonafide overachiever/people pleaser, so to realize that my attempts at making myself relax are not only not succeeding but also that other people are noticing that I'm not succeeding at that attempt and could potentially be disappointed with me for the "failure" is making me crazy which again sort of defeats the relaxation attempts. So I'll work on it - promise.

Anyways - so we're 8 days down and 6 days to go - more than halfway through the 2 week wait - HOORAY!!! I'll tell ya it hasn't been easy this go round...something is different ~ I feel flat out CRUMMY! I don't know if it's side effects from the injectables or what - but my body is not happy with this last round of medicine and the IUI. I feel and look like a blowfish (hubby swears that I don't look like one - but I think he's just afraid of what will happen if he agrees with my assessment). And it's not just the blowfish syndrome, it actually hurts and is very uncomfortable, all sorts of weird "twinges" and cramps all through the day and night.

I of course have self diagnosed myself (via google searches) with OHSS...Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome (which is not a good thing). This basically means that your internal lady parts (ovaries) have become overstimulated and incredibly swollen due to the fertility meds. This can be severe and require hospitalization or it can be minor and work itself out. One of the biggest threats is Ovarian Torsion - that's right...twisted ovaries (awesome) which can have all sorts of crazy, horrible and irreversible side effects. So as I read the plethora of horror stories on the internet, I am doing my best to remain calm, to "relax" and reassure myself that this is NOT my diagnosis but I'll chat with Dr. Katz about that to confirm. I'm starting to become a bit of a hypochondriac now too...(relax Kelly, relax, relax....)